Shit Ferns says #10

There is a contingent on Twitter whose sole purpose seems to be to create 140 characters of sickly love-related tweetery that is so corny and cringeworthy that I can feel my internal organs die a little each time one crosses my timeline.

As sweetness between two individuals, I think a recipient might well adore it. But broadcast as ‘declarations of deep love’, they make me want to smack someone in the face.

“Like what?” you ask.
“I mean, how bad can it be?” you proclaim.

*sigh*

Fine. You asked for it. DON’T SAY YOU WEREN’T WARNED!!

(for the record, I made these up, but I’m sincerely representing the flavour here)

I knew your heart.. before I even met you. It was already bound to mine

I have tasted your words ~ now let me taste your soul..

I feel the warmth of your soul emanate from within you. All that you give; inspires me to greatness.

Oh how I tremble, as your fingers touch my soul

A lot of these kinds of tweeters have many MANY followers favouriting and retweeting like they are in some kind of slush-mind cult.

I thought I’d give it a go myself. Because, hey, I’m good with words, right? So off I went…

I think maybe I should start tweeting deep thoughts, less in the style of Jack Handey, more in the style of ‘Making You Cringe on Twitter’

The bell rings ~ it is for you ~ my lovely. Only for you. It rings like my heart beats. Loudly, like a bell does: clang clang clang.

My soul aches ~ It yearns ~ I wish I had some bacon ~ That would mend my broken soul ~ Also… pig fat!

I think I’m good at this! Need a hashtag though #CringeworthyTweets seems sweet. But not as sweet as my deep and true love for you, my love

My cunt weeps ~ For your touch ~ But it’s kind of pussy ~ I mean full of pus there, in case it wasn’t clear ~ oh love! #CringeworthyTweets

If my eyes could rest on yours ~ For a day, a week, a month ~ I could ask for no more ~ Can’t see though ~ Oh, bus!! #CringeworthyTweets

I am broken ~ But still strong in my heart ~ You give me the will to fight ~ You give me hope ~ You give me WHO I AM #cringeworthytweets

I am your vessel ~ Awaiting your tumescence ~ To touch my inner essence ~ And make me whole ~ For you are everything #cringeworthytweets

True love never dies ~ Forever real and true ~ As true as true love is true ~ And real ~ And never dead ~ Zombie love #cringeworthytweets

Tears fall ~ Words of wisdom spill like gems ~ Into the nothingness ~ Forlorn and unappreciated ~ No love ~ Tears, snot #cringeworthytweets

I am deep and meaninful ~ I spout words ~ That are deep ~ And meaningful ~ Excruciatingly embarrassing for all of us #cringeworthytweets

My heart overflows ~ Like lava ~ Or puke after a big night ~ Tastes terrible ~ Like the bitter aftertaste of lost love #cringeworthytweets

Oh Outback Steakhouse ~ How I loathe thee ~ For fake Australiana and curly fries ~ Give me your curly potatoes of love #cringeworthytweets

My proclamations of love ~ Include tildes ~ Gravitas ~ Separating me from the mediocre masses ~ Their deeposity sucks #cringeworthytweets

My gravitas ~ Like granny panties ~ Huge and creepily flesh coloured ~ Like condoms ~ Only not ~ A turnoff OR a fetish #cringeworthytweets