It starts in the pit of my stomach, rising to my eyes, like a filling up. I let it come instead of fighting it, the welling making my chest heave as I start to cry. I hate to cry, I hate and loathe it.
I want to ask you if this is how it ends… Is this how it ends? Really? Is this how it ends? What are you doing? What. Are. You. Doing??!
I am trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, trying not to be angry and hurt and worried, but I am all of those things. Are you really wanting to hurt me, like this? Just like this?
This, this right here, this THIS is the deal breaker… is that what you want? Is it too hard, too much, too intense? Maybe maybe maybe… I don’t know… I am guessing, guessing guessing…
It just doesn’t make sense… there is no explanation for this except that you are being a fucking selfish pig, that you can’t man up and tell me what is going on with you. It’s so unfair and cowardly and weak.
I’m so so angry at you right now for making me feel this way. Who would have thought you had it in you. Who would have thought you had this in you?
You signed this contract just now, just now… you signed it twice… why did you do that?
What does it mean? What does it fucking mean?
Is this how it ends? Is this how you want it to end?
10 comments
o.O Take care Ferns, hugs.
Kitae: Thank you so much, I appreciate your kind thoughts.
I have waited to post this until the hurt was well and truly over and we were sorted. I am fine, and we are fine.
I posted it because I write about moments that touch or impact me and I figured that for balance, I shouldn't shy away from those that do so in a negative way.
And that, well that totally sucked!
Ferns
Thank you for the gift of honesty and balance and vulnerability and true heartfelt anger.
agaran: You are so welcome, I appreciate you comment – it was a hard one to post.
Ferns
Wow… You have such talent to express equally passion and anguish. I was sorry to read that.
No relationship worth anything is easy to end, or have end. It is ultimately a reminder to cherish every moment… as we never know how long we have to spend with special people that come into our life, and leave it, regardless of the reason.
Please accept my best wishes for strength, courage, and hope.
Dymion
“I have waited to post this until the hurt was well and truly over and we were sorted. I am fine, and we are fine.”
Way to get me all teared up for nothing. =P
Someday I'd like to be able to read at least on of your posts and not cry.
Dymion: “Please accept my best wishes for strength, courage, and hope.”
Thank you so much for your kind words and good wishes, I appreciate them very much.
It was a rough time, but we are ok. I will save up your kindnesses for when I need them next.
Ferns
Brids: “Someday I'd like to be able to read at least one of your posts and not cry.”
Oh, that's so sweet! I'm sorry for the unnecessary tearing up this time… but I appreciate that you felt hurt on my behalf.
Ferns
I'm glad that things are okay now, beautiful woman. You are wonderful, and your relationship inspires me.
Bellaforte: I'm glad that things are ok now also, and I very much appreciate your kind sentiments. I think it's beyond lovely that I inspire you in some way, and I am delighted to see the happiness in your writing right now.
Ferns