Her legs are freshly waxed, smooth and soft. Her skin, though, is too dry, she thinks, and looks over at the moisturiser, allowing a momentary digression of wistful thinking at the fact that she has to do it herself. She sighs inwardly and reaches for it.
She paints her nails avoiding the thought that this, too, she must do herself. She chooses a rich dark red, carefully applying colour, concentrating, avoiding the edges, the sharp chemical smell wafting in the air. It makes her think of perfume… she really only has one that she likes, she is not really a perfume lover, but maybe… she makes a mental note that she knows will be forgotten. It is not important.
Her long hair is freshly washed, she dries it carelessly and when it is dry, she uses the straightener. It is already straight, but the iron gives it a structure and shine. She does it almost randomly, taking whatever pieces are at hand and pulling them through the hotplates. It doesn’t take long.
She studies her face in the mirror, she looks tired, she feels tired. She quickly plucks some stray eyebrow hairs, applies some make up to cover the flaws, a little neutral eye shadow, no mascara, not today. She pouts into the mirror and pats some lip stain onto her full lips, a little gloss to finish. She steps back, makes a face at herself.
She goes to her wardrobe, eschewing bright for something dark, calm and simple. She chooses a pretty summer dress, a strappy black, with splashes of colour in large red roses and green vines. She slips it on, she has not worn it for a while. She twirls in front of the mirror, smiles a little at herself… it looks good, she is relieved.
She has bought new shoes, black satin stiletto heels with a peep toe, pretty and conservative. She will post a picture on her blog, she thinks, though right now the effort to orchestrate the photo-taking seems beyond her. She perches on the edge of the bed, slips them on, the blood red nails peeking out. She stands, towering now.
It feels, she thinks to herself, just like getting ready for a date.
She looks at the clock, takes a deep breath and feels the stutter start in her chest, rising up to her throat. She hears a tiny sound catch there, she shakes her head, grits her teeth, takes a few more deep breaths. She pushes it back down, silently telling herself to stop it, there will be enough of that later.
She picks up her bag, opens the door. One more deep breath for strength and she heads out to her mother’s funeral.
34 comments
I am so sorry for your loss. Even when expected, losing someone close is a difficult thing to go through. All of us here share your sadness and we will all keep you in our thoughts.
I'm sorry for your loss whether it is recent or if it is a bit in the past. I lost my Mom when I was 16, she was just 39. We were not close but I still remember it very well. I lost my Dad a year ago last week…*Hugs*
Faith
slapshot: “I am so sorry for your loss.”
Thank you, you were just asking me if I was feeling down… yes, I am. I appreciate your kind thoughts.
Ferns
Faith: “I lost my Mom when I was 16, she was just 39. We were not close but I still remember it very well. I lost my Dad a year ago last week…”
Oh, I am sorry for the young you, and anniversaries I imagine are tough.
“*Hugs*”
Thank you *hugs back*
Ferns
This misleading title thing has got to stop…Here I am, all unaware and content, wondering who you're going on date with, then realizing it's not a date and wondering where you're really going and then BAM! Uber sad ending!
While I've never lost anyone I particularity cared about, I'm sure if I do, I'll be at least 100 times sadder than I am right now. That said, I hope one day you can feel at least 100 times less sad then you must be feeling right now.
My thoughts are with you and your loved ones Ferns.
p
x
Brids: “This misleading title thing has got to stop…”
*smile* I will take that under advisement… considers the title “My Mother Died”… hmmm…
“…I hope one day you can feel at least 100 times less sad then you must be feeling right now.”
Thank you Brids, I appreciate it.
Ferns
happypet: “My thoughts are with you and your loved ones Ferns.”
Thank you.
I am hanging out for the day when I can happily write a never ending series of blog posts about delightful wonder and hotness… I miss those days…!
Ferns
I've been enjoying your blog. Such a shame that the first time I've commented is over something this sad.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered. My thoughts are with you. I'm hoping things get a little easier soon.
Jx
J: “I've been enjoying your blog. Such a shame that the first time I've commented is over something this sad.”
Thank you so much for the delurk, maybe especially because it was on this post. The kind thoughts are much appreciated.
Ferns
Oh Ferns I'm so sorry for your loss. Your blog has brought me so much joy while I've been reading it and have been meaning to make a comment before now, but couldn't let this pass without expressing my sympathies.
Like J above me I'm sorry that my first post has to be of this nature. My thoughts are with you.
Take care
pete
Oh Ferns… deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is never easy, no matter what age.
Really sorry to here of your loss, I can't say I know how you feel, I can only imagine the heartache of losing a parent. Look after yourself and as crap sounding as it maybe at the moment, try to stay positive. Take Care
V
pete: “Your blog has brought me so much joy while I've been reading it…”
*smile* Thank you, I'm happy for that.
And thank you also for the delurk and sweet sentiments.
Ferns
Maggie: “…deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is never easy, no matter what age.”
Thank you Maggie. I worry more for my father, we celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary 2 years ago. He is kind of lost. It is heartbreaking.
Ferns
Valan: “Look after yourself and as crap sounding as it maybe at the moment, try to stay positive.”
*smile* A bit crap sounding, yes, but absolutely no less sound and welcome for it… Thank you V.
Ferns
I've just found your blog and have been thoroughly enjoying all your entries. And though I've never commented before – I wanted to wish you my best during this time.
Ferns: “I am hanging out for the day when I can happily write a never ending series of blog posts about delightful wonder and hotness… I miss those days…!”
YOU miss those days???
(Sorry. Inappropriate comment. I'll just trawl through old posts to get my fix until you feel better. Which will be soon, right? I mean, you've already done the cathartic post now, so….)
Seriously? Keep well beautiful girl. Your little garden of devotees is wishing you all the best.
my thoughts are with you Ms Ferns and if this sub is allowed: *HUGS*
ID
One does not know what to say in terms of regret for the pain you are feeling. My thoughts go back to when my mother died and the surreal experience of feeling like you were in some movie and it was not really happening but it was.
robert
Aurora: “I've just found your blog and have been thoroughly enjoying all your entries.”
Thank you, I am so glad. And thank you for your lovely thoughts.
Ferns
Anonymous: “YOU miss those days???”
*chuckle* Yes, vicarious anonymous, I miss them with a passion born of desperate hunger and obsessive wishful thinking!
“Seriously? Keep well beautiful girl. Your little garden of devotees is wishing you all the best.”
I have a garden of devotees?! Oh, I hope there are some vegetables in it! I don't eat enough vegetables.
Thank you for what was a most genuine, delighted laugh and for the sincere good wishes.
Ferns
ID: “my thoughts are with you Ms Ferns and if this sub is allowed: *HUGS*”
You are most definitely allowed… one can never have too many hugs… thank you.
Ferns
robert: “My thoughts go back to when my mother died and the surreal experience of feeling like you were in some movie and it was not really happening but it was.”
Surreal, yes… it is something like that. I am sorry for your loss also, and hope the pain has lessened. Thank you for sharing that.
Ferns
Just catching up with your blog after being gone for a few weeks…and I'm so very sorry to read of the passing of your mother. My deepest sympathies to you and your father, Ferns. My heart aches for you both….
“Delightful wonder and hotness” … I wish you tons of that, especially right now. I won't bother you with any sad phrases, I know that every time you hear one of those well-meaning sentences, it's a stab through the heart once again.
Anonymous: “My deepest sympathies to you and your father, Ferns. My heart aches for you both….”
Thank you, I appreciate the sweetness.
Ferns
N: “”Delightful wonder and hotness” … I wish you tons of that, especially right now.”
Yes, please! I shall keep an eye out for it… I just know it is going to land in my lap anytime now… Ok… now!… Well… now!…
Ferns
So sorry for your loss.
May: “So sorry for your loss.”
Thank you for the kind thoughts, May.
Ferns
Fern,
I have been searching for the words since I read your this post. It had a profound effect on me. Having experienced the same,I never know how to quite express that I know just how you (they)feel. Your expressed it so elegantly, yes surprising at the end but that too is part of it all. Even when expected it's unexpected. Thank you for sharing this very personal moment. I hope each day the sun shines a little brighter for you the your sadness of your loss is replaced with smiles of the memories
Steve
Steve: Oh my goodness, what a lovely heartfelt comment, thank you so much for it, even though it made me shed some tears. I am sorry for your loss also. Your words were a warm and welcome perfection.
Ferns
Fern, I missed this post while out of town for a bit. Please allow me to offer my belated sympathies to you and your family. I am sorry for your loss.
A number of years ago I lost someone very important to me. I was sad but not inconsolable. Everything was fine for almost a year and then for absolutely no reason it hit me. I can only guess my mind finally decided it was safe to acknowledge what had happened and it takes a bit to gather yourself again.
Take care and keep a friend nearby.
Sassy
Sassy: Thank you so much for your kinds thoughts and for sharing something so personal.
Ferns