dave94 asked about this post:
“How does this end? Do the two overcome their missed connection and ultimately hook-up? Does the experienced domme introduce the shy newbie to the lifestyle and get him to fall for her?”
They are great questions! Tune in next week for… oh wait…
Come sit here by me on the bench while I tell you of my little dilemma…
It is easy to write about a boy I am already in a relationship with, anything I write might give him a further insight into what I am thinking, but it will not be news to him. If I write about something difficult or troubling, I will not do so until we have resolved it.
However, when I am single like I am now, and I meet someone, maybe at a social gathering, and maybe we have a date and maybe we are talking, and maybe it progresses, or doesn’t, I *cannot* write about it until it is resolved either way because he will read about it here, and that is difficult and unfair, and it also influences the outcome in an odd way.
It is rather tricky, really.
So… dilemma.
I do wonder how other bloggers deal with this (dear reader-bloggers, please pipe up!). Are you so anonymous that any potentials are not aware of your blog, so you have the freedom to write what you like without impacting them one way or another? That level of anonymity changes things, gives you a freedom, obviously, but it is not the case with me. Any boy I meet will know of this blog because I link to it from BDSM sites where I make these contacts, so reading about himself here (“What a rubbish date!”… “Oh my, that perfect arse, I just wanted to…” etc) is messy.
Do any of you have this problem, or is it only me who has created this issue for myself?
16 comments
Hmm… tricky, tricky! I try to separate my blogging identity from my dating (real name) self for this very reason. I like to be able to have the freedom to express myself without worrying if I will hurt the man in question's feelings. However, as I make more friends in the scene, and I do a bit of writing for their event sites etc, more and more people know I have a blog called One Sub's Mission.
I think there will come a day when my blog can't be a secret to anyone I might become involved with and that makes me feel a little sad. I value the freedom it affords me to vent about my mistakes and uncertainties.
I remember my ex finding out about the blog though – I had kept it secret – it was excruciating when he read it all!!! I hadn't been mean – just much more honest than people usually are when they really like someone ;)
I think you can be honest, as long as you are reasonably tactful. Although you could, of course, just ask him not to read it!
J: “I try to separate my blogging identity from my dating (real name) self for this very reason.”
Smart woman! The odd part is that honestly, I didn't think it through, which is kind of unlike me, though the nature of the content has evolved, so that's part of the problem. I started the blog when I was in a relationship, and I just did not think about 'what happens when…'.
I've already blogged aboutmen having read this blog and then meeting me knowing all these intimate things about me, but this is something different. Like all bloggers, I use my life for material. I have just realised that this little glitch is likely to mean I will have no new material for… errrmm… a long long time *laugh*…
“I think there will come a day when my blog can't be a secret to anyone I might become involved with and that makes me feel a little sad.”
*nod* It would materially change your self expression and impact the value of it for you, that's for sure. As you said… tricky tricky.
“I remember my ex finding out about the blog though – I had kept it secret – it was excruciating when he read it all!!!”
I can well imagine you rushing off to re-read all those old posts with new 'OMG, what did I say?!' eyes…
An ex of mine read my paper-based journal once, way back when. I said he was crap in bed. It was true, he was. Serves him right for snooping *laugh*
Digression…
“I think you can be honest, as long as you are reasonably tactful. Although you could, of course, just ask him not to read it!”
I get both of your points here, though 'tactful' is not one of my strengths. Perhaps the second is possible, then I can happily pretend that he is not reading it… (honestly, if it was me, I couldn't NOT read it!! I am terribly nosy!).
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
Ferns
I *cannot* write about it until it is resolved either way because he will read about it here, and that is difficult and unfair, and it also influences the outcome in an odd way.
Kind of like a kinky version of Schroedinger's cat
:-)
“it also influences the outcome in an odd way.”
Have you experienced this or are you just assuming?
Tom Allen: “Kind of like a kinky version of Schroedinger's cat”
Yes! Fucking cat!!
Ferns
Brids: “Have you experienced this or are you just assuming?”
I experienced it a long time ago when I had a blog before blogs were invented (yes, I really am that old!). I ended up hurting people with things that I wrote (long story with secrets, lies and intrigue!), and finally password protected my blog to avoid it all. It was not pretty.
Ferns
Hi Ferns,
The blog is an extension of you and also the people you write about. If you are sharing an intimate detail as in the water boarding post with your part boy, I would want to have consent before intimate details were shared. Not that I would want to edit nor control but at least being asked if I minded being the subject sub in posts.
In new meetings with new potential lovers, that level of intimacy, being a part of your blog, might be attractive for the man (boy. It signals a degree of comfort and intimacy. It is a signal that the boy may me a keeper.
This blog is your blog. If you want to use it as e a personal vehicle where you can talk directly to that subject boy (man) rather than about him. You can, it is yours. Your words are eloquent and charming and hot and sexy. It is part of your allure.
robert
robert
robert: “Not that I would want to edit nor control but at least being asked if I minded being the subject sub in posts.”
I agree, though honestly, I can't imagine a boy being mine and saying 'no' to it. A bridge to cross.
“In new meetings with new potential lovers, that level of intimacy, being a part of your blog, might be attractive for the man”
That assumption totally works if I say only sweet things. But if I say “He was kind of dull and why didn't he offer to drive me home? I guess I will see him again, maybe it will be better…”, then THERE's the problem. It is hurtful, and it seems like a passive aggressive way to manipulate him (damn cat!!) when that is not my intent.
“This blog is your blog. If you want to use it as e a personal vehicle where you can talk directly to that subject boy (man) rather than about him. You can, it is yours.”
True, but I don't want to use it to communicate with him – that's passive aggressive bullshit. If I have something I want to say to him, I will say it. But… if I am just thinking things through to myself for my own amusement or clarification, that is something very different and THAT is really what I would blog about. I don't do narratives, I pick out things in my head here and examine how they feel, and therein lies the issue.
“Your words are eloquent and charming and hot and sexy. It is part of your allure.”
*smile* Thank you! And I do appreciate your thoughts on this.
Ferns
now I understand why you are stymied about a piece of writing I think is a good start. If your posts are largely documentary then we will have to wait for the outcome. Blogs sometimes resemble gossip columns. On the other hand, if you preface your posts with a “once upon a time…”, or “I heard from a friend…”, then you are free to creatively determine the outcome even if the real event you refer to (meeting the new boy in this story) doesn't end this way. As for me, I prefer the creative solution. I do blog about events in my life but the other characters' names & identities are changed to protect them. I give my posts a respectful time-delay of several days especially if there is controversy. When people ask me if my recent post refers to a current situation I'm experiencing, I tell them it happened a long time ago. I also use the time to clarify my thoughts, spell-check & polish my writing.
All that aside, I prefer you post the way you do even if there is no resolution in that posting. Sometimes an unanswered question is more interesting than a predictable ending.
Also if a boy you might hook up with has read your posts thoroughly and still wants to continue meeting with you, chances are he is a “keeper”.
dave94: “If your posts are largely documentary then we will have to wait for the outcome.”
My posts are autobiographical, but I don't do chronology… so while the 'what' is true, the 'when' could have been forever ago. Those who follow know, for example, that anything tagged with 'my boy' is in the past, even if I just posted it yesterday.
“…then you are free to creatively determine the outcome even if the real event you refer to (meeting the new boy in this story) doesn't end this way”
That's true, but honestly, creative writing is not my forte, nor necessarily my interest. I HAVE been considering adding a 'never happened' category for just made up stuff, mostly to get around the fact that I will not have any new material for a while unless I go crazy out there in the world all of a sudden *laugh* I am thinking about it, but can't get excited about it.
“…the other characters' names & identities are changed to protect them… a respectful time-delay of several days… I tell them it happened a long time ago.”
But surely, if the people involved in those situations know your blog, they will recognise these incidents, and themselves in them, no matter how you obfuscate the details?
“Sometimes an unanswered question is more interesting than a predictable ending.”
*smile* Thanks. Narratives with nice beginning, middle, end are rare in this blog… mostly I finish in the middle, so this particular entry is no different, except for the lack of material becoming a broader problem… And I do like the idea of taking readers along into what is going on with me… (“Ooh, I had a date! Here's how it went!! What happens next?!” etc…).
“Also if a boy you might hook up with has read your posts thoroughly and still wants to continue meeting with you, chances are he is a “keeper”.”
*laugh* I am trying to figure out what you mean here. If he has read my posts and still wants to continue meeting with me, that makes *me* the keeper!
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Ferns
I blog over at another place but it has been said of me that the ones that I would, past tense because I have someone now, blog or talk about might not be that important to me. However, the ones that I did not say much or anything at all about…those were the ones that really had my attention.
I am an intensely private person. I open up to a very few. On my blog it's mostly dealing w/ feelings and experiences from my past. I might hint at things but that is about it. I have often found that most of the subs that were/are interested in me do not read much in my blog. That always puzzled me.
Faith
Faith: “I am an intensely private person. I open up to a very few.”
Funnily, and contrary to all evidence here, I am also intensely private. Out in the real world, most of what I write here is only ever shared with the one who was in it with me.
“On my blog it's mostly dealing w/ feelings and experiences from my past. I might hint at things but that is about it.”
*nod* That makes the impact much less of an issue (if any at all!).
“I have often found that most of the subs that were/are interested in me do not read much in my blog. That always puzzled me.”
That is so strange! Some men I know won't read my blog, and they have specific reasons for that, which I completely understand. But if someone is interested in me and just doesn't read it for no real reason… I would find that extraordinarily odd also! When I like someone, I want to know *everything*! Did you ever ask them why?
Ferns
I had a situation happen with someone recently and they wanted to know whether or not I'd blog about it. Well it depends on a lot of things. Mainly what's my objective in making this situation public? Also if it's a sensitive matter I'd want someone to talk with me about it before blurting it out to the general population. So I'm considerate…to a degree. It is my personal blog and if they enter into a relationship with me knowing I blog about my life…well some things should be expected.
I have asked why but I haven't found a good answer. I am w/ you, I would try and find out everything about a person that I'm interested in. I think that a person will put down *on paper* more of themselves than can be revealed in person, random convo or just email. Here, on a blog, is a place to express some views that may not be the main stream, might be a bit un-pc. I want to know all those things about someone I'm interested in. Of course, so I can tweek it and use to my advantage…all with their consent. lol
Faith
Goddess Eden: “Mainly what's my objective in making this situation public?”
*nod* For me, I blog about 'stuff going on in my head right now', there's no real objective. Without access to 'what is going on in my head right now', I have precious pieces of nothing to write about.
“Also if it's a sensitive matter I'd want someone to talk with me about it before blurting it out to the general population.”
Yes, that makes sense, but when you are out there dating, *everything* is sensitive, really, and a lot of it I have no intention of sharing with the person concerned. I mean, my saying 'I went on a date and wanted to kill myself by the end of soup' is sensitive. My pondering whether some boy is going to let me get him naked is sensitive. My interpretation and random feelings and turning over of what is going on between us is sensitive. And there is always Schrödinger's fucking cat!
“…if they enter into a relationship with me knowing I blog about my life…well some things should be expected.”
I agree, and I think if you are *in* a relationship, it's different. My blog started and continued with a boy who I was in a relationship with. Then you can resolve 'whatever it is', talk it out, and blog about it later. If your communication is good, he's not going to read anything in there that is out of left field.
The problem will be resolved when I find another boy… heh.
In the meantime, as J said, tricky tricky…
Ferns