So, you (submissive male ‘you’) have emailed with someone for a while, she seems perfect, she ‘gets’ you, you have a lot in common, she likes your kinks, she thinks you are special. Then she asks for money. You go ‘hang on!’ and you baulk.
Then she sends something like this (actual email below). It is designed to hit every insecurity and doubt button you may have.
I am disappointed that you seem to want to fail so early and ruin everything but this is why I set this test. There are literally thousands of so called submissives who promise to do anything but really are just selfish and are only interested in themselves. This test is basically full proof in that respect as someone would never send a cash gift if they are a selfish person or disingenuous. Most just want to be submissive in their fantasy dreams and come out with unoriginal excuses trying to explain how wrong it would be to send a gift thinking they are being clever. Not realising of course that they have immediately stereotyped themselves, no woman wants a man who spends time thinking up ways to be selfish.
If what I have described in previous e mails is what you truly seek then you will not hesitate and understand why I have asked it. It is a significant show of trust and in terms of a long term relationship is nothing. Those looking for a quick masturbate would never send anything. If you refuse to obey then it is self explanatory no matter what you think, I have had far too much experience with fantasists and also real submissive men who are genuine so know the difference. If all you want to do is be submissive on your own terms and conditions then no Dominatrix will be interested in you.
I had thought we were getting a connection. The choice is send a gift through alertpay which is like paypal or goodbye. If you dont do as ordered then there is no need for any further emails as we will never meet. I will look elsewhere, so good luck in your life. Think carefully if you decline though as the opportunity will not be repeated by Me, dont miss it through being obstinate and its hardly like Im asking you to chop your arm off.
Do not judge me by standards of others either, you must move in strange circles!!
Goddess
It is not as simple as ‘Hello, send me money’, the sting comes after there has been promising conversations, after there is some emotional investment and when there some hope.
Ethical lifestylers, pro-dommes, or findoms do not do this. It’s a scam.
Don’t give strangers on the internet any money.
Edited to add: Other common scams involve asking for hundreds of dollars to buy a BDSM ‘training kit’ or toys, paying for a first play date in a dungeon hotel (there is a professional-looking website with addresses and photos of these imaginary hotels all over the world: They do not exist), paying to have a contract drawn up, paying to show sincerity, signing up to some for-pay website, or bailing the ‘dominant’ out of some tricky situation she’s gotten into (stolen passport etc).
It sucks.
Click here to read more pieces I’ve written about scammers and common scams.
Edited again to add: And click here for a really useful thread on Fetlife (requires login) on various kinds of femdom scams.
Summary of VERY common things scammers try, from the thread:
- Overly keen about you, persistent, with a desire to ‘claim’ you very quickly. Things like ‘you’re my slave now’ after some minimal online back-and-forth
- Immediately start doing some kind of online play or hot little D/s protocols with you to hook you in
- Tell you to send sexy pictures, hot videos, any identifiable information straight up (they’re setting you up for blackmail)
- Discourage you from asking any questions or expressing any doubts about their authenticity: “That’s not submissive behaviour!” / “Who’s the domme here?” / “How dare you question me?!” etc
- Getting you to move off the site pretty much immediately (kik etc) & delete your profile: This makes it easier for them to manage multiple marks at one time
- Tell you to join this for-pay site or any site that takes your CC details, usually with the promise you won’t be charged (which maybe you won’t, but they have your CC details now)
- Say tribute is expected by ALL dominants, this is how it works, “It’s just this one time”
- Say ‘send tribute (money, gift card, somethin’) to show your sincerity, “It’s just this one time” (again)
- Tell you to buy some ‘training kit/starter kit/toy set’ that she will use on you when you meet, then either point you to a non-legit supplier, or tell you to send them the money to them to buy it for you
- Tell you to send money to draw up/review/file a BDSM contract
- Be keen to visit (“I will fly to you! We can get a hotel!” etc) to sell their legitimacy, but they will cancel repeatedly because reasons (see next point)
- As above with the reason often being a sob story that requires money to fix: “I’m coming to visit like we arranged, but have an emergency that is preventing me, send money so I can ‘fix my car/pay my bill/buy gas/get a new passport/etc’ to get there”
- Tell you to book a BDSM hotel/dungeon for your first meeting, sending a website URL with dungeon/hotels worldwide that may look real (it’s not, those BDSM hotel/s do not exist)
- Tell you “Buy something for me, I will send you the money”. They will send the money on a platform where they can take back the payment after you’ve bought them the thing (eg paypal))
- If you baulk at payment, they will often shame you about your so-called submission (“If you were a real submissive” / “You’ll never find anyone with this behaviour”…etc), guilt you with emotional blackmail (“I thought we had something special” / “I thought you weren’t like the rest” / “Don’t you want this?”*), or get angry/abusive
103 comments
Wow. That's really tough. It almost makes me ashamed of not wanting to give money to dominants. I hope that the submissives who get these e-mails are confident enough to see through that farce.
I set up a second Instagram Account for my kinkier side recently, and within about 2 days Ive been contacted by at least 12 “dommes”. There is maybe one honest findom in there, although Im not sure about it, since my account is pretty much empty right now. The odd thing that sticks out though; every single one wants me to pay 50$ to “set up a contract” to become their slave or whatever, and luckily I got suspicious early. I paid once (and for whatever reason got a refund although Im really really sure that its a scam, since she asked for 100$ for the “BDSM council” afterwards.
Even though I know theyre scammers most likely, and maybe even the same person, (like they try to pressure you into paying, saying things like: goddess is waiting/ you have to obbey every command!), I still feel a bit obligated to do what they say, which really, really sickens me.
Please trust me when I say that it’s not ‘most likely’ that they are scammers. They ARE scammers.
Not a single ethical findom behaves this way.
If you genuinely can’t tell, and you are actually handing over money to these scammers even though you know the truth, please delete your account entirely to put yourself out of their reach.
Ferns
boy you really HAVE been watching Xena Warrior Princess.
Also you didn't Goddess's alertpay account number. How am I supposed to prove myself to her now?
I think I’m in contact with a scammer posing as a Domme wanting me to become her sub. I found her on aff. We’ve been emailing a couple of weeks about our kinks. She send very long emails talking about the lifestyle. Now she says the last step before our first meeting is to trasnfer funds to purchase a top of the line bdsm kit. Suspicious. Anyone else run into anything similar
@Bob: You are, and good on you for recognising that (and sorry that you got sucked in).
This is a very common scam, so common it’s likely run in organised groups. Usually they ask for $600-$800.
There’s no woman, there’s no meeting. Don’t pay any money.
Ferns
I have a similar thing. I was contacted via Fetlife. We started emailing and then she had me delete my account. Ask me to do a couple of things and prove via pics, then received graphic emails on what she wanted me to do with her. After a little over a week, she has hit everything I like and wants to meet, but only at a BDSM facility. Sounds like fun, but the only catch, it is not any of the popular ones in town. It is a “private” one with rooms starting at $400 and I have to make reservation and pay for it. There is no phone number to call, just a “contact us” page to request a reservation. They have houses in various cities in North America. It looks legitimate, but after doing a search on the internet, there was one guy who was scammed by this company. So now my hackles are up as it all seems too good to be true. She will not meet in a public place to have coffees we can just confirm that she is who she is. She does not want to meet that way since our relationship is not boyfriend/girlfriend, but BDSM only. That also is sending up warning flags to me as to not waning to just meet somewhere public. Am I on the right track as to trust my instincts as this is a scam, or I am I just overthinking it?
Thanks!
@Shane: This is 100% a scam, also a common one, and you are not at all overthinking it. They have set up a legit looking website for dungeon/hotel spaces all over the world. And you’re right, they don’t exist.
Good on you for doing your research, and for asking before you handed over any money.
Ferns
I am experiencing it at this very moment. Just got the email to get the top of the line kit for $850 asap. Not falling for that one!
Yes, I have run into the same thing. There were even erotic emails. Then she mentioned the “financial commitment” of the equipment. There were really no other red flags up until then. Everything seemed real and it was personalized. Locations made sense. But then this request. She seemed to get mad. If it helps, this is Mistress Ann.
Mistress Sarah ask for # 840
Bob, your post was 2020. It is now 2022 and I have beem on contact with a scammer just like that. Asked me for $950 for a training kit only after I first inquired. I wish Ferns would tell us how the real do actually behave.
Ferns — I am in dialogue right now with a ‘Mistress Sarah’, the SAME name as Anonymous posted in his reply right here in April.
Now her asking price for the kit is $885! I’m sorta stringing her along and delaying, just to fuck with her. They are insanely creative and manipulative, just like you said.
Thanks for these types of posts!!
Um hey maam
These guys wont actually leak your photos right
They won’t.
If a blackmail threat doesn’t work, they’re not going to waste their time following through because there’s no value in it. They just want the money. They’ll just focus their efforts on whoever else they have on the hook.
I’d add that since I wrote this post, deep fakes are SO ubiquitous and easy to create that plausible deniability has reached an entirely new level :).
Ferns
I am right at this very moment sitting here staring at the exact email request for kit order or no meeting. This sucks, guess it could be worse, i could have paid $850 for some bullshit that never happened. Glad I trusted my gut.
I’m glad also: And sorry you experienced it :/.
Ferns
Wow! Only $850? My “domme” wanted two grand!
On the plus side, I got a few nice pics of her. Also, I produce soft core adult videos, and she gave me an idea for some future clips :D
omg she tried me a few days ago. that name exactly?
I got a very similar thing. My scammer was more ambitious though. He/she/them or whoever asked for $1565.20. That didn’t happen lol.
I just had the same on AFF they wanted a sub i was up for it, we spoke ll seemed good location time etc spoke about our kinks and needs then boom you need to buy your training kit £150 with a screenshot of a site to purchase all the toys etc at this point i knew something up so asked for meet and greet introduction and was told nope its this or nothing. just so you know it was Mistressbee33
I have the same one I believe. I told her I needed $500 a week to proceed because all good things cost money lol. Waiting for her response now this is awesome I’m having fun with it.
N: “I hope that the submissives who get these e-mails are confident enough to see through that farce.”
I think quite a few aren't, and these things can be very convincing to the new, the eager, the hopeful, the vulnerable, the unsure. I am always glad when I see someone asking 'Is this normal?' and am disappointed when people roll their eyes as if they are idiots. If the scammer is good, they can be very convincing, and there is so much misinformation out there, that many newbies no longer know what is 'normal'.
The 'no Domme will be interested in you' line is a horrible one.
Ferns
Hi guys,
To be honest I took the bait. Mistress asked for paying the kits. The picture she sent me can be found on different websites. Now she is asking me for 850 more, the tribute to the bdsm community. But the same bank account. I feel so sad, manipulated and stupid.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s horrible, but at least you learnt quickly and didn’t sink more into it.
You aren’t stupid: Trusting people want to believe. Add in hormones and wishful thinking and hope and, well, that’s why it works.
Ferns
Yes I have just last week run into something similar. I never click on ads placed on pornhub but last week for some reason I clicked on an ad to meet mistresses. It took me to a site named MISTRESS MEET. Curious, I signed up, added a profile and to my surprise I got lots of responses. The site is a bit confusing and took me a while to figure out navigating it. Then I got a message from a “domme” and decided to respond. At first she seemed genuine, but the first red flag waved when she wanted to chat off-site on Google Hangups. That didn’t work because none of her email addresses didn’t work. She finally figured it out and we chatted a bit, leading to her wanting to take me to her dungeon for a weekend training session. Then she asked me to take some photos of myself which was kinda fun. But then she blew the deal when she asked me to buy the toys and other stuff which cost almost $2000! Scam or no, as soon as they ask for money for whatever that ends the deal. She wrote me the next day trying to save the deal and I offered to send her $500 though I was still suspicious. I wrote to the site about my situation but so far no response. So I’m glad I found this page which confirms my suspicions.
Okay so my next move is figuring out how to get out of this mess. I feel like dealing with a liar by lying back and telling her I tested positive for COVID and I need to go into quarantine for a month.
Anonymous: “boy you really HAVE been watching Xena Warrior Princess.”
Well, duh! Who doesn't?!!! She's awesome!
“Also you didn't Goddess's alertpay account number. How am I supposed to prove myself to her now?”
You can just send a paypal payment straight to my email (you'll find that in my blogger profile, top left). I will forward it to her, I pinky promise.
Ferns
“the opportunity will not be repeated by *Me*”
“Do not judge *me*”
So did she capitalize “me” for a specific reason or did she mess up on the lack of the capitalization on the other one?
“Goddess”
Lol I hope no girl ever asks me to seriously call her that…
Anyway, I probably wouldn't have sent her money either. Partly because it seems like she calls herself “Goddess” and actually takes it seriously (which makes me not take her seriously) and also because it seems a little to scam-y to me. Who bases whether or not a relationship goes forward or not based on whether or not the other person sends you money?
Who bases whether or not a relationship goes forward or not based on whether or not the other person sends you money?
A findom does. It’s not a scam folks its a legit fantasey. His response should be “I’m not looking for financial domination goodness, I prefer physical domination” its that simple. And if he’s willing to pay tribute for physical domination this can be done in person to avoid online scams.
What’s more entertaining than reading a thread full of people with fetishes judge other peoples fetishes lol
Mz Scarlette,
There is a huge difference between a legitimate, ethical findom and a scammer.
I have no problem with ETHICAL findoms. Ethical findoms state up-front that financial domination is their thing: They clearly state what they want, and men who enjoy that will happily engage.
Ethical findoms do NOT pretend to be offering a personal relationship, wax lyrical about the amazing connection they feel with someone, lie about what they are offering, and then use a submissive’s emotional confusion and hopefulness to demand money.
Lying about intent and asking for money under false pretences = scammer.
It’s not complicated.
Ferns
It seems like the “Goddesses” are either scammers or 22-year-olds who have never done a single scene! A pdrson should have to earn that title!!
Thank you for this Ferns. When I was first exploring my subby side I did in fact have an interaction with a Domme who acted similarly and asked for a gift up front. I did reject the invitation to give her a gift but was wracked with doubt and feelings that I was doing it wrong and that this was accepted protocol. Your posting did ease a feeling I have been carrying for several years (although I did not realize I was carrying it)that I was soehow inadequate as a Submissive.
robert
I hear about this quite a bit from the subs that I've talked to. I've never read one of the emails, but I think it is pitiful to be manipulating the very feelings and tendencies of the subs for finanical gain, Unless that is the agreed upon dynamic between the two ppl.
Faith
That's horrible! The part that really creeps me out is how well that awful person understands submissive men's insecurities, and then cold-heartedly uses every one of them to make money.
Ferns! I sent that email in confidence you had no right to post it!
yours in litigation
Coug
P.S.
joke for the folks who didn't get it
This is business to these 'women'… which often, from what I have heard also refuse to voice or cam with men. So really the scam could be going much deeper. It gives domination a bad name. Financial domination works for some, to each their own I guess. Being used is being used. But far too many of my submissive friends have had this happen to them. It's very discouraging for anyone genuinely looking.
Brids, I would like to add… You find the right woman, you will call her Goddess because YOU believe it. I laughed at it myself once, as I do most self proclaimed titles… but I admit once my beast called me Goddess on his own accord, it grew on me swiftly! meow!
“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.”
Margaret Thatcher
I've always considered this sort of scam to be especially heinous. It very strongly reminds me of juvenile bullying and 'give me your lunch money or we can't be friends.'
Haha i get these all the time, the funny ones are those you get from a bank “your account has been suspended” and you dont even have a bank account from that company. They will chance their luck with anything these people…
Brids: “So did she capitalize “me” for a specific reason or did she mess up on the lack of the capitalization on the other one?”
I'd hazard a guess that the presentation of this sort of persona capitalises personal pronouns to show uber domliness.
“Anyway, I probably wouldn't have sent her money either.”
Good!
Ferns
robert: “When I was first exploring my subby side I did in fact have an interaction with a Domme who acted similarly and asked for a gift up front. I did reject the invitation to give her a gift but was wracked with doubt and feelings that I was doing it wrong and that this was accepted protocol.”
Ugh! I can well imagine the inner voice going “Should I/shouldn't I?” and the doubt afterwards that you missed out on something amazing if you didn't. It is ugly.
“Your posting did ease a feeling I have been carrying for several years (although I did not realize I was carrying it)that I was soehow inadequate as a Submissive.”
Oh, I am so glad to hear that!! I know that they do play heavily on the 'well you aren't a real submissive then!' schtick. It is so destructive… grrrrrrr!!!!
Good on you for seeing through it!
Ferns
Faith: “…I think it is pitiful to be manipulating the very feelings and tendencies of the subs for finanical gain”
YES! That's it, right? It plays on vulnerabilities and inexperience and exploits them. Ugh!
Ferns
Stabbity: “That's horrible! The part that really creeps me out is how well that awful person understands submissive men's insecurities, and then cold-heartedly uses every one of them to make money.”
It is horrible, yes! It is much less distressing if the scammers are stupid and obvious and simple minded. But often, they aren't. They just have to plant enough doubt to get their target over the line.
Ferns
Coug: “I sent that email in confidence you had no right to post it!”
*laugh*
“yours in litigation”
Bring it, sister! Once I tell the judge that you don't like brie or willies, they will know you are a nutter and throw it out uncontested!
Ferns
Sweets: “This is business to these 'women'… which often, from what I have heard also refuse to voice or cam with men.”
You are right to put 'women' in inverted commas. They are mostly not. Many of them are well run organised scams run by men. I can well imagine the incredulous response if one of the submissives asked for a voice call or cam verification ('you aren't a true submissive, you don't get to demand things of me…' etc)
“Financial domination works for some, to each their own I guess.”
Agreed. This is a different discussion.
“It's very discouraging for anyone genuinely looking.”
It is, yes, very.
Ferns
OnyxCoquelicot: “It very strongly reminds me of juvenile bullying and 'give me your lunch money or we can't be friends.'”
That analogy made me chuckle… I'd add to it that the one being bullied is new to the school, doesn't speak the language, has no other friends and really thinks the bully is lovely…
Ferns
Andrea Toys: “Haha i get these all the time, the funny ones are those you get from a bank “your account has been suspended” and you dont even have a bank account from that company. They will chance their luck with anything these people…”
True, scammers are everywhere. The difference between the “Your bank account has been suspended” or “I am a Nigerian prince” and these is that those don't exploit your emotional vulnerabilities with the promise of the relationship you have always wanted.
Both are after your money, but these can be emotionally damaging.
Ferns
Quick!
Someone is exploiting the subs! Turn on the Ferns Signal!
Look, Ferns, someone needs our help!
Clarence the Bratboy Wonder…
Clarence the Bratboy Wonder: “Look, Ferns, someone needs our help!”
Holy emptying wallet, Bratboy!!! Quick, to the Fernsmobile!! *~zoinks…pop… splat… whirrr… zap!!!!~*
Ferns
Findomme is just hiring someone to do your bidding not theirs. Femdomme on the other hand is beautiful. I can always pay someone to do whatever I want and that is just hiring someone as an employee. On the other hand I can have a relationship. In a real relationship people care about each other. There is powerplay but also love but in this society it is all mixed up.
I will reiterate: I can hire someone to play dominant for me. But the one who pays is the boss; make no mistake. I have no problem with pay for work. If you want to be paid then you do what I tell you. If you want a relationship then we are equals. Get it?
Unfortunately, this has happened to me twice in succession, so much to the point that I’m honestly a fair bit embittered by it. I want to experience the absolute most of the BDSM lifestyle, but the fact that I’m new to the scene is particularly frustrating. This latest one wanted $300 on Amazon Gift cards, but even I can’t justify that kind of expenditure to myself. Honestly, with the shit luck that I’ve had I honestly am considering just giving up entirely because this hits so close to home. Even when I asked if I could treat her to lunch earlier today, she flipped out on me and assumed I was “topping from the bottom.” which, I might’ve been, I’m not sure. To me, it was just an opportunity to get to know this person with whom I would’ve surrendered myself to. But now? I remember why I’ve hardened my heart so damn much.
My advice to any newbie? If the supposed “domme” wants you to immediately disable any accounts you have after talking, run for the friggin hills because that is a big red flag on the first part. If they demand you spend X amount of dollars on gift cards for iTunes or Amazon cards, again run for the friggin hills! I can’t believe I fell for this crap one right after the other…
I’m sorry you learnt the lesson the hard way, though from the sounds of it, you never handed over any actual money, so that’s good.
Most run-of-the-mill scammers are super easy to spot once you have a clue (too eager, never anywhere near you, much ‘slave-talk’, probably some hot pics). Just: Don’t give strangers on the internet any money.
My advice: Get involved in your local community, and in reputable online communities. Talk to F/m folks. Read a lot. Make friends. Once you get the reality solid, you will easily spot a scammer because they don’t behave like normal people (well, and eventually, they are, of course, going to ask for money :P).
Ferns
I can so relate wilji. I’m new too and this entire thing with chasing my fantasy has begun to feel like nothing but pain and frustration. The cons are always obvious to me. If anyone wants you to send money into the wild blue where you have been given no follow up or means of recourse, it is a con. Maybe sometimes it isn’t, but to me it I immediately smell shit. My problem with being new and trying to be a social animal in this environment is that I have faced so much “polite indifference”. No real connection have I made with a single soul. I thought I did, but that was just me and homemade reality. I’m considering just quitting the attempt and going back my vanilla lie. At least there is some comfort there.
“The cons are always obvious to me”
That’s good. And yes, most are ham-fisted and easily identified.
I get that men are not used to having to wade through rubbish people trying to take advantage in their dating lives, but women have pretty much done it their entire lives (replace ‘just wants money’ with ‘just wants sex’ and you get the picture) and part of it is a matter of learning and experience. So while ‘imma give up’ is perfectly valid choice, it’s helpful to look at what you are doing and how you are going about it to improve your experience.
I get a LOT of questions related to this, so wrote a book that has practical advice for newbies: ‘How to find a dominant woman’.
Ferns
I wonder what the response would be, if, early on, the submissive male asked the woman about her fee.
I would expect that a legitimate pro-domme would give a straight forward reply. That is, state what the fee will be for specific services rendered.
Not sure how a scammer would respond, but I expect that she wouldn’t respond the same way as a legitimate pro.
(BTW, how would a lifestyle domme respond to such a question?)
An ethical findom or pro-domme will state clearly how they work with subs, what it will cost, what they expect etc. Many of the legit one have very clearly laid out websites with all the information you could ever want about how they run their business.
A scammer would most likely get very angry ‘how DARE you, I’m trying to create a relationship, I thought we had something special’ etc etc until the submissive abjectly apologised.
I get asked that often, and I tell them F/m is my relationship style, that I don’t provide paid services. 99% of the time, those men ARE after paid services and have just assumed that all dommes are sex workers, therefore I am also a sex worker, which is a whole OTHER issue.
Ferns
I so wish I had seen this before being foolish enough to get myself duped by an online goddess. My story is so similar to some of those mentioned here. Met on an app, told to get off the app, send pics, buy a gift card. I just want out and my gut feeling is to just delete my account from the platform we were conversing on and get over it. What do you think?
Yes, delete it.
Don’t give strangers who promise you a relationship any money ever.
Ethical pro-dommes or findoms will be up-front and clear about any monetary arrangements.
Scammers will pretend to want a relationship, and then ask for money/gift cards/purchases and etc to progress it/prove sincerity etc.
I’m sorry you got taken in.
Ferns
“…have just assumed all domes are sex workers….” Back to the situation in which lifestyle F/m is obscure.
Yes, exactly that.
Ferns
I too think I am being scammed. I met a domme on AFF, she told me to delete account, download kik and give her money. Shared some pics, which are probably on the Interenet now. I don’t really care about that. My first alert should have been my Amazon account being attacked after I bought “her” a tribute gift card from Amazon. (It was a Sephora gift card). Then, I stupidly bought one at work and let her use the card and scratched it off in the back. I kept denying the so called “session” that hasn’t taken place yet.
I am new and although I know some dommes do want money, I have had a feeling “she” is a scam. She did give me pictures, and said she was going to invite me to a facebook and or instagram group which she never has. She was going to send me a slave paper, which she never did. I see the red flags, but after being scammed once with a more vanilla date, and online dating just not working for me. I don’t know what to do.
I also tried to use both the name she used on the kik account and the name on the email to send the online giftcard that didn’t match. I assumed they were pseudonyms, but tried to do research. If they were legit, I thought I would find something online. This all has led me to a scam and after reading this seeing more poeple have been scammed like me. I think I need to delete the kik account.
I don’t have any local BDSM communities, and I don’t want to go to another BDSM related dating sight as I am afraid it might happen again. But, I want to join the lifestyle.
Yes, it’s a scam.
One thing a lot of scammers often do immediately is ‘delete your account here on this platform and contact me on yahoo email/kik/some other way’. I assume it’s because some platforms police this kind of behaviour and would stop it (or maybe they just want to prevent you meeting someone else).
Don’t send anyone any money.
Not sure how you’ve determined that you don’t have any local BDSM communities: Have you looked on Fetlife?
I’m really not sure what you are after, but since none of that included ‘we were going to meet’, I assume some kind of online thing?
If so, go to reddit and have a trawl around for discord servers where they clearly say ‘no findoms’ and where they do vetting. Some of them WILL be dodgy (it’s the internet), but you at least get to see the history of those who post about them and see if they seem like good people, have been around for a long time, interact with others in sensible ways etc.
Ferns
Ferns,
Thank you so much for this valuable, needed information. Some of it sounds familiar. Let me tell you about my two experiences, one over and done with, and the other I’m still involved in.
I did meet someone on AdultFriendFinder claiming to be a non-pro dom, who asked me to delete my account. (red flag) I did. Emailed with that person a while. It started smelling fishy in a variety of ways, so I quit communicating with said person.
I later found someone on subcuckold.com with whom I’m still communicating. I’ll use the pronouns she/her here not knowing for sure the person’s actual gender. She did not ask that I cancel my subcuckold.com account, but did ask to communicate through hangouts instead (red flag). She seems to want to communicate through texting rather than any phone calls (red flag). One day I gave her a deadline to either call me by such and such a time, or I would end efforts with her. She did not call by the deadline, but I did receive a call from her a couple hours past the deadline. I did not answer it. A couple of weeks later, I decided to give her another chance, so contacted her again through Hangouts texting. She is saying that there will be four training sessions prior to actually meeting and I am to pay $200 at the end of the training sessions (red flag). Then I would have to buy ‘toys’ (red flag). Haven’t yet gotten to what that would cost. Actual dom/sub sessions would then be held at no charge. She says that I have to sign a ‘form’. I asked her what would be on the form. She sent a photo of it. It asked for name, age (red flag), marital status (red flag), home address (red flag), and duration of our serving duration. Of course this generates a lot of questions in my mind. Communications is slow and difficult through texting, making it difficult to ask all the questions I which the erratic communications generates (red flag). It seems every answer I get from her generates more questions in my mind. I haven’t presented them all here in order to keep this short.
I suppose this is all some sort of scam, but would like to get your take on it. The one thing that seems possibly contrary to a scam is that she’s not asking for that much money ($200) and not until ‘training’ ends. Is paid-for ‘training’ typical? She did claim sessions after training would be at no charge. But who knows how true that is? I would like your view of how legitimate this second opportunity is. My view is that it is probably a scam. I will end it soon, unless you suggest otherwise.
And, yes, I’ve just download the Kindle version of your book, but haven’t yet had the chance to read it.
Thank you again so much for your help. (I didn’t know that a dominatrix could, at the same time, be an angel!)
Rlalen
Ferns,
Thank you for this valuable information. Some of it sounds familiar. I did meet someone on AdultFriendFinder claiming to be a non-pro dom, who asked me to delete my account. (red flag) I did. Emailed with that person a while. It started smelling fishy in a variety of ways, so I quit communicating with said person.
I later found someone on subcuckold.com with whom I’m still communicating. I’ll use the pronouns she/her here not knowing for sure the person’s actual gender. She did not ask that I cancel my subcuckold.com account, but did ask to communicate through hangouts instead (red flag). She seems to want to communicate through texting rather than any phone calls (red flag). One day I gave her a deadline to either call me by such and such a time, or I would end efforts with her. She did not call by the deadline, but I did receive a call from her a couple hours past the deadline. I did not answer it. A couple of weeks later, I decided to give her another chance, so contacted her again through Hangouts texting. She is saying that there will be four training sessions prior to actually meeting and I am to pay $200 at the end of the training sessions (red flag). Then I would have to buy ‘toys’ (red flag). Haven’t yet gotten to what that would cost. Actual dom/sub sessions would then be held at no charge. She says that I have to sign a ‘form’. I asked her what would be on the form. She sent a photo of it. It asked for name, age (red flag), marital status (red flag), home address (red flag), and duration of our serving duration. Of course this generates a lot of questions in my mind. Communications is slow and difficult through texting, making it difficult to ask all the questions I which the erratic communications generates (red flag). It seems every answer I get from her generates more questions in my mind. I haven’t presented them all here in order to keep this short.
I suppose this is all some sort of scam, but would like to get your take on it. The one thing that seems possibly contrary to a scam is that she’s not asking for that much money ($200) and not until ‘training’ ends. Is paid-for ‘training’ typical? She did claim sessions after training would be at no charge. But who knows how true that is? And, yes, I’ve just download the Kindle version of your book, but haven’t yet had the chance to read it.
Thank you for your support. (I didn’t know that a dominatrix could, at the same time, be an angel!)
Rlalenska
This is 100% a scam.
I know that hope is eternal, but you see the red flags for yourself.
They are starting for ‘not that much money’ to see if they can hook you in. After that there will be more money and more while dangling the promise of a relationship/meeting/session in front of you. It’s never going to happen.
On the upside, even through your hope is making you hang on, you are identifying the red flags. Trust your instincts: They are right.
Ferns
Rialenska, I noticed that you posted “(red flag)”. multiple times. If there are multiple warnings that something isn’t quite right, I would heed them.
If there are multiple warnings that something isn’t quite right, I would heed them.
Agreed :).
Ferns
Ferns,
Thank you for the personal response. Well, yesterday I ended the second option I had mentioned above. While there were the multiple red flags that I had identified in my earlier post, I simply wrote to ‘her’ that I before I were to start a serious relationship with someone, I had to both develop trust and respect for them. And I couldn’t do it if that person refused to speak with me on the phone. I didn’t see much point in blatantly saying, “I think you’re a scam.”, even though that may have been the right thing to do. As best I could tell, it wasn’t even a female – just a male trying to scam me. And that’s why ‘she’ wouldn’t get on the phone with me.
Once again, thank you for all of your assistance.
Rlalenska
Hello Ferns, Thanks for being here… I would wish to know just what, or where to seek a Goddess who sincerely wishes to pursue a deeply abiding being together LTR… over the past 3+ years i have “met” on line 50 or more “women” who claimed goddesshood, and that they sought a LTR with me, with whom i chose to take our conversation beyond the site where we “met”… taking our conversation to e-mail, g-mail chat and/or tele text… the half life of these relationships has been under a week, although several have actually lasted for several months… many have quickly demanded specifically tribute, or gift cards, then there have been those who suddenly needed meds, or help buying school books, or rent, or… then of course the toy/kit for “our” first meeting stories… big time training fees, there are the “registered” Dommes who can only take me after i become a registered slave (registration fee required), one woman said she would come live with me, and since i am building a dungeon in my art studio, she would send money to my account and then, since she has connections and can get things at a much lower cost, so she would need to be on the account, a couple others wanted banking info for various reasons, recently a woman was going to “help me” with my transition and put a full court press on me for personal info, wanted me to send pictures of my ID, name change court documents, and other info… and got very angry when i didn’t automatically capitulate… then most recently, and this is what got me on line seeking info, which brought me to this site and a story precisely like what i was getting, about goddess wanting our first meeting to be in a commercial dungeon because it is well stocked with toys and a good place to start my training… and of course i was asked to go to a specific site, arrange a reservation, and the site indicates a $400 fee for the one room and i am guessing quite a bit more for the “dungeon”… those are the ones that come to mind just now… but what is clear is that there are many unscrupulous individuals on-line who have no problem leveraging submissives, especially but certainly not exclusively sub guys and sub trans girls, using their desires, passion, need or even desperation for a human to human connection with a bdsm basis to exploit for their financial gain, posing as someone/something they aren’t, and really just cons, scammers and bottom line, false goddesses- so, being zero for fifty something regarding actually meeting face to face, let alone forming an awesome LTR, what must a little artist/poetess Fauve girl do, where can she look, (Esp. w/ Covid decimating any sort of local meeting via munches, bdsm learning groups, etc..) to improve her chances of finding her one true Goddess???
There are indeed many unscrupulous people out there.
I’m not sure where you’re finding these people, but the truth is that your ability to filter out the scammers is perhaps more important than the site. Scammers are on Every Single Site and the starting measure is: If they seem to good to be true, they probably are.
If you want to meet actual-for-real people in your area, Fetlife is still a good place even if you can’t meet right now. You can still join local groups, some are doing online socialising, you can verify that they have a local presence, that they have local friends, that people know them etc.
Ferns
Ferns
Thank you for this great article. I’ve been in contact with a Mistress for a few days now. I found her on the BDSM finder site. I sent many messages through the site to her and never heard anything. Now months later I get this email out of the blue.
She has told that she is not a pro dom. It is the life style that she lives as a dominate woman. She is looking to train a sub into her kinky life style. Sends a picture of herself in a bikini.
She is 28 and has been in the BDSM her whole adult life. We have been emailing now for awhile with her sending two more bikini pics. She asked me for a picture which I sent. I then received an email asking to buy my training kit which can arrange thru the store where she buys all her stuff at a discount rate $1500. I told her I had concerns as I’ve never meant her or heard her voice. She told me till I prove myself the only communication will be by email. Once she gets the receipt I purchased my kit she’ll give me her address where she has a personal dungeon. I am now waiting for the stores name. This is a huge red flag to me and now thanks to you I realise I was being played. And for me $1500 is a lot of money at the moment. Thanks again
I’m so very happy that you were suspicious enough to search for information and that you found this post before you handed over any money. What you struck is a super common scam, but when you’re new, you don’t know what’s ‘normal’ and what’s not, and they rely on this naivety.
Your instincts were exactly right, and I’m so glad I could help.
Ferns
I have a situation where I met this gal on Mingle. After talking for a while she informed me she has been at this BDSM Dungeon for 5 years and was under the training of a Glenda Hughes in Conway Arkansas. She said the Mistress Glenda would release her for $980 dollars and then the BDSM authority would bring this girl Emily to me to live. I didn’t send any money but it seemed fishy from the start. Has any of you heard about anything like this??
Yes, it’s a scam. And yes I’ve heard of this before.
Someone else asked the exact same question on one of my ‘is this a scam’ posts.
Good on you for your suspicions.
Ferns
Thank you for the reply. I thought so because the so called girl would never let me call, no video chat nothing but text on hangouts. The red flag went up. They wanted $980 to end her contract. No way.
Ok.
If you are being set up to buy five training collars, each a progression in status but still–all at once and I’ve only got one neck. Is this a thing? I want this to be real damnit.
It’s a scam. Not one I’m familiar with, but anyone asking you for money for stuff for your blossoming relationship is a scammer (because I already know she didn’t say ‘go out and buy them’ right? She said ‘send me the money and I will buy them off my special supplier who does very high quality gear, that’s why it’s expensive’. Amirite?).
You could try saying, “I’m happy to bring the first collar to our first meeting :)” and see if it results in a rant about how you’re not a real sub and etc like the one in my post.
Sorry :/.
Ferns
Its…crazy tho for someone to put this much effort into it. She sent me a pic of her self and her dog, in response to sending a pic of me and my cat. Like normal people do, right? The face matches the alt com profile shot.
All this time talking to me when I’ve been up front about being just a guy getting by on disability. There’s no big payout for stringing me along..?
Who DOES that kind of thing?
It’s a game of numbers, and many scammers are organised, so quite possibly it’s not an individual but a group. It’s less work than you think to engage people who are naïve and eager, so no matter if you say ‘I’ve got no money’ or ‘I’m not interested in paying’, it’s no skin off their nose to keep sending messages until they’re sure it’s a dead end :/.
It used to be that a reverse image search would out a lot of scammers, but with technology now, that will only catch the really lazy ones (cat or no cat) :/.
Ferns
And she finally tried after 3 days of playing “Am I real? Am I not real?” with me I’m suddenly getting trusted enough to deposit a bunch of cash into my account.
Sigh.
Ma’am? Is there anywhere to look for real people anymore?
3 days is a reasonable amount of time to invest in figuring out if someone is a scammer, is even remotely compatible, or any other thing. So take that as a given.
Check their social media, their fetlife activity, their history of online activity.
If there isn’t any, or it’s all fantasy-based and sexy pictures? Then it’s unlikely to be an actual-for-real woman looking for a connection because actual-for-real women looking for connection are generally tapped into *some* kind of community, and know very well that if they do that, they’re not going to get quality connections out of it.
And if you really can’t tell and this is happening over and over, then get out into your local real-life community. I promise you: This stuff only works online.
Ferns
Your site contains a lot of very important information, I hope this site will remain
met on aff and she sent me an email that was really hot but it had some misspellings and oddly structured sentences. She sent me pics to show me that she’s the woman from aff.
she sent me a “questionnaire” so she could gauge my “experience.” after I sent it back to her, then her next few emails talked about getting kits. So I questioned that.
here’s one of the emails….
“This payment is simply to get all necessary toys,slave Dvds and Costumes for our sessions and The kit costs $950 although there are cheaper items but I always advise we use one of good quality to have a better experience.
it’s the same items we will still be using in subsequent sessions so you only have to do this once.
I am not a one night stand mistress and want a long term relationship with my slave. After you’ve done this, we will work out a suitable time and arrangement for our first session this weekend,you will pay directly to the sales rep. I use reason because they have a very limited edition of toys I like and they will be customized and branded with our names on it just to my taste. , so once this is done you have nothing to worry about..
if you are serious as you say, let me know if you are willing to proceed now so i give you the order# and the sales rep details for payment
I await your response now.”
I wrote her back and said I had no idea this would cost that much and to buy one before we even meet? lol sure thing hun.
Or maybe she’s the real deal and I’m dropping the ball here? LOL
“Or maybe she’s the real deal and I’m dropping the ball here? LOL”
LOL. Yeah, this is a super common scam, so common I mentioned it specifically in this post.
Though I did laugh out loud at ‘DVDs’. Like, have they been using the same scam text for the last 20 years :P?
Well done for not falling for it.
Ferns
So glad I found this thread because I’m already getting a creepy feeling about a recent interaction and I want to cut it off early if it’s not the real deal…which I’m pretty sure it’s not.
Found a domme on Ashley Madison who immediately wanted to switch to email (without ever even checking out my profile). Not necessarily a red flag yet, but then her first very long email didn’t even acknowledge the message I sent her. Seemed like a very detailed (but very provocative and sexy) form email. The warning bells in my head started going off. I responded expressing extreme interest in becoming her sub and then got the longer email describing everything she’s about (with good spelling and grammar) along with 8 what seem to be stock questions (what do I do for a living? Any form of disability? Does anyone know about my kinky lifestyle? Have you ever been a slave? Are you ready to be totally devoted 100%?…etc). Then at the bottom is a last paragraph that seems to be added with language and grammar not as good…like written by someone else and asking for pictures (even though I had pictures on Ashley Madison that they never asked for or looked at). Now I get that there could be a general email and list of questions that a legitimate Domme in the lifestyle would ask any potential sub, but this is when I decided to do some research and found this thread. I feel like if I respond with answers to the questions and photos, I’m getting myself deeper into a scam and closer to the next email that asks for money like everyone else is discussing.
Delighted to help, and yeah, what you describe is NOT legit at all. Actual-for-real women do NOT behave this way.
They are 100% setting you up to either ask for money to prove your sincerity/buy a training kit/pay for a hotel room/somethin’ somethin’ or to threaten to out you to all and sundry unless you pay them.
Good on you for trusting your instincts.
Ferns
Any pointers to find legit ‘domes’ ?
Hello Everyone! I am a real woman and have worked in the adult industry for 10+ years. And I am apparently making a major mistake! I get contacted on a lot of different sites and social media accounts that I use for advertising. I always ask that people stop contacting me through the website specific messaging service and text me on my phone number which just happens to be through Google Voice (I have been using the same number my entire career). I do this to make things easier for me and to save time. It never occured to me that this was a Red Flag request. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Do you think it would be ok to suggest that they contact me on my number for a faster response as long as I state that if if they prefer to continue using whatever sites messaging service that is fine too?
If you are clearly advertising your ‘pay for play’ professional services, and then stating your preferred communication method to discuss those services when someone contacts you, no-one is going to think you are a scammer.
Scammers are NOT up-front about wanting money, they do NOT advertise services-for-pay, what they do is pretend to want a relationship only to spring a money demand into the mix on some pretense of it having to do with progressing this pretend-relationship.
If you are an ethical professional, and you are up-front about what services you offer clients, and what costs are involved, AND you have communication preferences, you’re fine :).
Ferns
Hi, I had a potential Domme tell me that in order for us to meet for the first time, we needed to meet at a dungeon. she proceeded to give me a link to a booking service that handles this claiming she uses that service. However, she didn’t know the payment methods this particular booking service uses.
I asked the booking service what their payment method was and found it a little odd when they said that they require payment to do booking with a prepaid non-reloadable mastercard gift card. Is this a normal thing? or should I be a bit worried about this? (I am omitting the name of the booking service to protect against slandering the service in the possibility that it is legitimate).
Thanks
100% a scam: Don’t give them any money.
Ferns
I think you may be correct. I pressed the Domme about it again last night when she contacted me. She claimed there was nothing wrong because her ex sub (previous sub i suspect) booked through them using the non-reloadable gift card. She tried claiming I will be happy with it almost in a manner of trying to tell me that I should go through with it. She also claimed that she believed this booking service and the other company (i assume she means Mastercard directly) are in some sort of partnership which may not actually be the case.
In any event the booking service uses a website made via Wix (not that the website in itself makes it a scam) but found no policies, TOS, Privacy Policy, etc. on the site. Its basically a generic landing page where you wind up having to contact them via their contact form to either get more information or do any booking.
So yes, Very strange.
I have recently over the last few weeks been in contact with a supposed domme, and I have bought into it and think I have been scammed out of a good chunk of money. I have always been good about recognizing scammers, but this one caught me off guard she asked for 240 sent to her cash app to be her slave then 600 for a BDSM kit and a picture of my driver’s license. Now she hasn’t given me a session appointment and keeps messaging me giving me these tasks, and says we have to wait for the toys to get delivered to her. I have just become suspicious, and want to know have I been scammed and what should I do because I’m freaking out?
It’s 100% a scam. Sorry :/.
I mention your scammer’s take specifically because it’s so very common:
“Other common scams involve asking for hundreds of dollars to buy a BDSM ‘training kit’ or toys.”
What to do?
If you sent your driver’s license, do some research to see what the real-world risks are for identity theft where you live based on just that, and what you can do about it.
I recently had my data hacked from both my health insurer & a financial institution, and they suggested I run credit checks to see if anyone had been applying for credit cards in my name (they hadn’t).
Other than that: Don’t say a word, just block them everywhere. Delete any throwaway accounts you were using.
They WILL threaten you with blackmail if you remain in contact and reveal that you know they’re a scammer, and that can be scary. There is no way to blackmail you if they can’t reach you, and it’s definitely not worth their while to go through with doing anything with your information out of spite.
Ferns
Thanks, that list described this person spot on, I just feel like a fool that after avoiding many different scams this one got me. I suppose all I can do is learn from the experience.
Hi everyone, I’m Chrissy…
After reading this, I’m not sure if I feel better or worse. I wish I had this knowledge sooner.
I was an idiot and fell for it, not once but twice, I got scammed, bad! The first time, she asked where I lived so I told her. Turns out she only lives 2 hours away from me. So she said at least. Then after talking for a bit, she wanted me to book a room for a private discreet dungeon. So she told me to get the room that provided everything and get it for 2 hours. I did. I spent$500 for this “private discreet dungeon” a few days later I got an email saying I had to purchase lube from them because you can’t bring your own. The mistress I was talking to gave me a sad story about how she’d have to go to the hospital if I didn’t get the lube.
Long story short, I paid $200 more for the lube! So then the day before my appointment at the dungeon, they emailed me saying my room is no longer available but if I upgrade for the membership of $600 they would have a room for me! Finally I got smart and told them I didn’t believe them and I wanted my money back. They said I’d have to send another$200 to get my money back! So that’s were it ended. $700 they got from me.
Later on I met another mistress. I told her how I didn’t trust anymore and I ended up telling her the whole story of how I got scammed before. I asked her to promise me she wasn’t going to scam me. (Like an idiot, I believed her) she told me to delete my account on the site we met. She asked for my Facebook info, she wanted my home address, and she asked for my phone number. The mistress had a slave contract for me to fill out and pay $200. I did. Later on she wanted me to purchase sex toys from a reputable seller.
After going back and forth I gave in and ended up spending $242 for sex toys. There was a mess up on the shipping and my toys somehow got delivered to my mistresses house. But she told me not to worry because she would just bring them for me when we meet. Then she tells me she didn’t realize I hadn’t paid tribute and I needed to pay$100. So I did. The next week she says we’re to meet that night because she has to leave for work soon. So long story short she has me purchase a room for$200 and I drive 2 hours to the location and wait for her. When I tell her I’m there, she says, she has to go home because her mom fell down and she has to take her to the emergency room and for me to wait. After an hour more of waiting I finally drive the 2 hours back home. The next day she says she’s sorry and that her mom needs surgery and she needs money. I finally told her I don’t have any money… because I literally don’t lol
After reading this I know your thinking, how could someone be so blind and get scammed like this…. I guess I was so desperate for their approval and wanted so badly so please and make my mistress happy that I was a blind idiot to what was really going on. They really mess with your head. Open you up and make you vulnerable to them. Tell you everything you need to hear so you trust them.
Thank you so much for posting this article. hopefully people will read this and become aware that they are being scammed sooner then I did.
Thank you for your time,
I hope you all have an Amazing day.
Sincerely,
sub chrissy
At most use your first name never your last name. Never send them your mailing address. Never use your main email address, make a new email address just for this type of dating which you can easily get rid of. Also make sure your full name is never in your email address. Never share your phone number. Never send money. If they can’t arrange to meet you in person within a few messages and they are not local forget it. Also meet at a library or some coffee shop, the first date should ideally be less then $10.00 (If you can do it for completely free even better). Best if they live close to you.
The old tactic of Bait-and Switch. Scammer pretends to be interested in a relationship, to draw you in, then starts asking for money.
Unless someone has indicated that they are a pro-domme, assume that any mention of money is a red flag.
Very nearly fell for a scam last month. This particular scam wasn’t related to D/s, but when I told a friend about it, he made a point that is all to relevant to this discussion….
Scammer become masters of manipulation.
Hi,
Thank you for this forum. I too met someone on bdsmdate and they told me to delete the account instantly. We have chatted for weeks and today I have been asked to buy a starter kit for £270 at a discount (she claims to be paying 180 and offering me a discount) and send the money to her kit seller.
I emailed her seller to see what response I’d get was told to buy an apple gift card and sent it to her. Turns out that the seller and the Mistress have the same surname!
It sounds like the same scam and I glad I saw this on a few sites before I went any further.