Q&A: What do I do with him?

Q:
I had a lovely submissive boy over for play, but in the middle of it, I had him in bondage, and I could see that he wanted and needed ‘something else, and I honestly just didn’t know what to do with him, so I ended the session. I think he probably left really disappointed.

Has anyone else been in this kind of situation? What can I do to be better prepared for a scene and play time? Any thoughts, ideas, advices are welcome.

A:
Firstly, you did exactly the right thing. If something isn’t working for you, I think trying to push through it for a little while to try and pick it up is fine, but if you get to the point where you are just ‘doing stuff’ and getting nowhere, then stopping it is the right thing to do.

It sounds to me like there might be some disconnect between your fantasies (how you thought it would feel, how he would feel, what would happen in the play, how it would go) vs reality. I read your profile and it is very lofty and grand (nothing wrong with that!), but I suspect that your ideals are very high and somewhat vague… and I don’t mean in terms of your expectations of a submissive, but of yourself and of the dynamic and the whole shebang.

So I’d agree with the ‘too much too soon’ thing… that you started with these vague and fabulous ideas of how it would all be in a ‘big’ sense, and then when the rubber hit the road, you didn’t really have the practical detail in your head.

I assume that this has been a blow to your confidence, and that sucks. Please don’t let it get to you. Sometimes things don’t work and there is no fault in it, it just doesn’t. The nice thing about having something fall flat in the context of a relationship is that you can both look at each other, shrug and go ‘eh’, and have a laugh about it. If it’s not a relationship, it can leave you feeling a bit shaky and as if you have failed. It’s understandable, but it happens and isn’t a big deal.

To me, there are a few possibilities. Sometimes a submissive just doesn’t give me what I need to get excited about him, no matter what I do. That’s simple chemistry and I am never going to get there with him. Sometimes the kind of play that I thought I might enjoy just doesn’t work (this sounds like at least a part of what happened with you), but if you don’t try, you don’t know. And sometimes, you don’t know what you want at the beginning and nothing comes to you when you are in the middle of it (the ‘Um…’ moment).

I suggest that you have a brief plan in your head for any play and include things that you know work for you. Then if you veer off it because it’s flowing, that’s great, but if you get stuck, you have the ideas in your head that you can go to and there will be at least some pleasure in it for you.

Trying to identify why this happened is important. We are all guessing, of course. Talk to the guy honestly about it. If you like him, try again and make it a small scene, simple, and something that you know will work for you… it will take the pressure off both of you.

Best of luck.