More from Formspring!

Ooh ooh, more questions from Formspring… I am loving that thing. Fun!

You CAN see the latest Formspring Q&A anytime under the Ask Me! link at the top there, but yeah, I know, that requires a whole ‘move-the-mouse-and-click’ level of effort and I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to do it, so here they are…

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The girl I like thinks she’s a domme, but I feel she’s got it all wrong focusing on the acts instead of the relationship. She demands to use strap-on on me, and I have to doing all the housework when she will not be making any money.

There are eleventy billion ways to have a D/s relationship. Hers is just as valid as yours, but if it doesn’t *match* yours, then you have a problem.

Sit down together and talk through how you each want the relationship to function. If, at the end of that conversation, you are each looking at the other going, “WTF?!! Are you CRAZY??!!” then you have to face the fact that you aren’t going to be able to make it work.

If you are incompatible, then you have to move on.

Good luck with it.

Ferns

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I really love your “Shit Ferns Says” updates. I end up commandeering many of your quotes, especially the ones that are the most random out of context!

*laugh* The thought of out of context shit being repeated even *more* out of context is 100x more funny than the original!!

Kudos to you!!

Ferns

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You make me feel like a naive, overenthusiastic schoolboy with your amazing writing. I’ve never even seen a picture of you but I want to give myself to you, I want to fuck my mind into yours. Jesus Christ… You’re addictive, Ms. Ferns, Ma’am.

*smile* I consider that a compliment of the highest order, thank you, sweet anonymous.

You do know that I have a couple of nude photos on my blog, right? No face shots though, that would just be *too much*!

Ferns

Even just typing that made my cock twitch. Our little secret eh?

*laugh* Well, not any more…

Ferns

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hi i am a femdom addict its the only way i can get off by being humiliated by a mistress or 2 strap ons tight cock rings knee high latex or leather boots itsa lifestyle that i want to get into but is it healthy

Addiction is rarely healthy. You run the risk of being unable to function out in the world, or in relationships, or with other people if you have an addiction.

I’d add that what you have is not a ‘femdom’ addiction, it’s a ‘kink’ addiction. That is, female domination is about an interaction, a way of relating, and what you are talking about are kinky acts. They are not the same thing, and personally, a kink addiction is hugely off putting for any woman wanting to get into a relationship because it reduces them to a fetish delivery machine, and that just sucks.

So, my guess is that you have been overloading on ‘femdom porn’, and your head is full of fantasies and THAT is what you are addicted to. It’s not uncommon, it is heady stuff.

I suggest you go and find a professional dominatrix and at least test your fantasies out in real life, see how it goes. Maybe that’s enough to scratch your itch.

Then do a whole bunch of reading about *actual* dominant female/submissive male *relationships* to get some perspective (take my blog as an example… in case you haven’t noticed, my relationships are not centred around humiliation, strapons, cock rings, or boots… NOR ARE *ANY* RELATIONSHIPS!). The book Uniquely Rika is a good starter to give you a dose of reality.

Then take your hand off your cock and actually *think about what you want* in a relationship apart from the kinky play. You say you want to ‘get into the lifestyle’, but I don’t think you have any idea what that means beyond the kink.

There is nothing wrong with kinky desires, but if that’s *all* you are obsessed with, it’s going to be a problem for you.

Ferns

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Hi Ms. Ferns, I recently met a girl who think she’s a domme. She’s quite feisty and an angry person even at first message. What should I do to turn her on? I’d like to have a longterm relationship with her, and would do pretty much stuff to please her.

Hello there and thank you for your question!

I’m not quite clear if *she* thinks she’s a Domme or if *you* think she’s a Domme. This makes a huge difference to my answer.

If it’s just *you* who thinks that, I hate to disappoint you, but ‘feisty and angry’ doesn’t at all mean that she is dominant (neither does ‘bossy’, ‘mean’, ‘aggressive’, ‘assertive’, ‘controlling’ etc). It means she is ‘feisty and angry’ (or bossy, mean etc etc). Many men and women who *seem* dominant in every day life are actually vanilla or submissive.

If *she* thinks that she is dominant, then I assume that you have at least talked about this, and that puts you in a much better position to make something work.

“What should I do to turn her on? I’d like to have a longterm relationship with her, and would do pretty much stuff to please her.”

There are as many answers to this as there are women in the world (that is, everyone is an individual, there is no homogeneous magic answer), but I think that it’s actually the wrong question to be asking.

The right question would be “How can I be such an amazing partner to her that she will fall madly in love with me and want to keep me forever?” While there is still no single answer to that, it at least stops you from thinking that somehow if you can ‘turn her on’, you will have found the key to a happy relationship. It doesn’t work like that.

So here’s the boring answer: Talk to her about it. There is no secret key here.

Be gentle, talk about your relationship and where she sees it going, tell her that you would like to have a long term relationship with her, see what she thinks about the idea.

Where your relationship is at present will dictate *how* you talk to her, so I can’t help you with that, but I would avoid at all costs making the mistake of offering kinky things that you think will turn her on. That’s like a vanilla man offering the woman he is interested in ‘the sexy times’ and thinking that will work to make her want a relationship. It won’t.

Best of luck with it, I hope it turns out for you both.

Ferns

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Dear Ms Ferns, You are doing a good job at what You do. I wish only to say: I can access Your site “Domme Chronicles” without any to-do about it being an adult site. While that would have been fine at thirteen for me, my parents might have had so say.

Hello there, and thank you for the compliment!

I assume that you are suggesting that I should be putting a warning up about my site containing ‘adult content’.

I see your point in theory, but have to ask if you really think that it will stop anyone from looking at it? I actually don’t think it makes a whit of difference and the only purpose could be so that I have plausible deniability in a litigious society (“But but, your honor, I had a *warning* on there!”).

I’m not sure if you have noticed, but if anyone wants adult content, there’s real honest-to-goodness *porn* out there, with pictures and rude movies and naked people and everything!

Ferns

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Someone as lovely and audacious as Fern isn’t gettin any? Good God, what, has the world gone mad??? or…could it be that a certain domme has impeccably high standards..*eyeing suspiciously*

*laugh* The world *has* gone mad!!

And yes, I’d say your observation is completely correct, and your suspicious eyeing off is completely justified. Being hugely picky and having impeccably high standards does indeed have a serious impact on this unfortunate situation…

Ferns

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but but but I likes sneering… Unless the wind changes cos I might stay like that what’s wrong with you ?

You can sneer all you like! I would never stop anyone from sneering, especially when it’s windy!

What’s wrong with me?! No, what’s wrong with YOU!

Ferns

err the sneering thingy was me Coug btw

*laugh* Well that explains everything!

Ferns

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What’s your favorite *alcoholic* drink? Non-alcoholic? Have you ever shot a gun?

*laugh* Which of these questions doesn’t fit with the others?!

Alcoholic: Champagne (Ruinart is my favourite, then Veuve Clicquot, but I will happily drink a non-French quaffing bubbly also).

Non-alcoholic: Coffee.

And yes, I’ve shot a gun. Several. I went to a gun range one time and shot a bunch of different guns just to see what it was like. It was like an NRA smorgasbord of guns in there: a .22, a ‘Dirty Harry’ gun (.44 magnum?), a 9mm… some others that I can’t recall.

“Take that, mofo!!” *blam blam pow!*

Ferns

Also, I forgot to add, you are fucking awesome. you teach people D/s is loving and not afraid of anything. It’s jake and I’m a bit drunk, tehe

*laugh* Thanks! Drunk jake is cute!!

Ferns

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We’re pretty sure my domme has ADHD. When we started d/s, we noticed she can literally forget most of the rules she is trying to enforce. We’re working on it, but it can be difficult to try new things when you can’t keep track of them. Suggestions?

Oh, I can totally relate. I’m not sure about ADHD, but I have an appalling memory!!

I *do* have suggestions (of course, I am all opinionated and stuff…), but would say up-front that for rules to be consistently followed requires practice and they really need to become a habit for them to stop being conscious effort. It takes about 3 weeks to let go of old habits and to pick up new ones. You have to both be patient and consistent.

To your dominant (you can look away now… go on…off you go… *smile*):

1. Don’t make any rules that you actually don’t care about just for the sake of having rules.

Rules just to have rules mean work for you (to remember, to follow up, to check on etc), so don’t do that.

If you really *care* about them, then it is less likely that you will forget because there will be consequences of some sort (either practical or emotional).

For example, I always want a full glass of fresh water on the table by the couch. It’s his job to make sure it’s there. I won’t forget because “Wait, where’s my water?!”

If it’s something less tangible (for example, a form of address that he has to use consistently), then you need to *both* work on it as a team (see item 4 below).

2. Introduce rules slowly and be realistic about what’s achievable. One at a time is much easier than 5 at a time.

3. Put reminders on your phone if they are time-based rules (eg an alarm at 6pm on a Tuesday if the bins have to be out).

4. Put the onus on *him* to remember and take responsibility for staying on top of it. Don’t take it all on yourself.

For example, have *him* keep a list of the rules that he can check off, and report in daily/weekly/whatever about his progress.

Put it somewhere public so you can both see it (printed and on the back of the bedroom door or something) so when you pass and you see something wasn’t done, you can call him on it straight away. Then you can have a debrief on a regular schedule where he brings you the list and goes through which ones he did and which he didn’t.

5. If a rule isn’t working (it’s too much trouble, you both keep forgetting it etc) then it’s not important. Dump it.

I hope that helps. Best of luck!

Ferns

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Hello Lovely Ferns, It is Newbie Domme again! the question i was err’ing to is… Can you reccomend a book or futhur literature that you find similiar to your wonderful style/approach to D/s? Thanks xx

*smile* Hello again!

I have a non-fiction book list, each with a brief synopsis to help you get an idea of what they are about, but no, none of them reflect my particular style.

Irritatingly, I find a lot of F/m books tend to read like a version of an 80s cosmo article, “How to keep your man happy in bed”, which as we all know, is *exactly* the basis of female dominant relationships *massive eye roll*.

I tend to recommend Uniquely Rika (also on the booklist), even though I cringe at some of the assumptions she makes and I certainly don’t agree with a lot of her thoughts (that is, it is not at all ‘my style’). Nevertheless, her book is one of the few that has an approach that is genuinely from a female perspective and is *not* all about ‘fantasy fulfilment for submissive men’ which is prevalent elsewhere.

Ferns

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