Vanilla flirting is about expressing attraction and playing with it.
It’s essentially:
“You’re cute…”
“No YOU…”
And etc.
Flirting is fun, it’s bouncing potential off each other, even if there is no real intent. It’s about both parties feeling desirable and appreciated.
To me, D/s flirting has exactly the same aim, it’s just a little different in its execution. D/s flirting is about playing around with the dynamic a little bit. Similar to vanilla flirting, we toss things out to each other and see if the other person catches it and runs with it. It’s about exercising a little D/s in a fun, risk-free, gentle way.
For me, it may be cute silliness without intent, or it may be a part of feeling each other out early in a relationship, checking reactions, seeing how we fit. I love either of those.
What does it look like? Well, to me there are about a million ways of doing it from barely there to something more involved, but from my side, it’s often about lightly hinting at a dynamic that we don’t actually have, and seeing if he will pick it up and play with it.
—
Something really light might look like this:
Me: “I’d really like a copy of this book, but I can’t seem to find it anywhere. Any ideas?”
This is completely open. He could just say something non-committal, or make some general suggestions. Or he might want to go a little further with me. The ball is in his court.
Him: *he runs off to find information* “Here’s a list of places near you that has them, but if you want to buy them online, this is the cheapest site…”
Taking the idea and bringing me solutions. Of course there may be no flirtatious intent in it, but I’ll totally take it!
Me: *smile* Oh, thank you. Aren’t you a sweet boy?!
D/s tinge with the ‘boy’.
Him: *blush stammer* Oh no, my *pleasure*.
We both feel sweet at the end.
—
Something a little stronger might be this:
Him: I really should get to the gym!
Me: Well stop whining about it and go, boy!
I’m joking (duh!) and he can laugh it off if he doesn’t want to go there.
Him: *laugh* Yes Ma’am!”
Oooh, see? He’s playing with me. Sweet!
Me: *smile* Good boy.
D’awww, it’s cute, it’s harmless, and it makes us both feel a little warm and fuzzy.
—
A more advanced kind of flirtation might look like this:
Him: “…[boy working on his fitness talks about going out for dinner]…”
Me: “You should have a salad and some water!”
Him: ” … but … but beer and meat!”
Me: “Chicken.”
At this point, he could still easily just laugh and move on.
Him: “I should just have the cajun chicken burger then I guess…”
And now he’s inviting me, entertaining my suggestion.
Me: “I’ll be demanding to see the menu next.”
I’m pushing a little, but he can still chuckle and skip past it if he wants.
Him: *shows menu*
Yes!! Oh, fun! I am beaming.
Me: “Valid choices:
House salad with chicken, no garlic bread.
Caesar salad (dressing on the side, only use a little) with chicken, no garlic bread.
Greek salad with chicken.
One beer.
Enjoy.”
At this point I have no idea if he will do it or not. He hasn’t said he would, and he is under no obligation to do it, but he had played with me to that point. I am left waiting to see if he will follow through.
Him: …[after dinner, he describes in wonderful detail exactly what was going on in his head as he thought about it, and ordered what I told him to. The telling of it is part of the flirtation]…
This type of flirtation goes above and beyond because he is actually doing something I told him to. I find it close-making, hot, swoonworthy.
Total flirting win! *swoon*
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If I initiate this kind of thing and the other person doesn’t pick up cues, doesn’t play with me, doesn’t flirt back, then that’s okay. I will be disappointed, of course, but it’s such a light way of feeling each other out that it’s pretty safe for both sides.
And when it works. Oh my. I adore it. So incredibly sweet.
34 comments
Me: “You should have a salad and some water!”
Him: ” … but … but beer and meat!”
Look, Ms. Ferns – a boi needs his protein if you’re going to be riding him later on. Can’t have him collapsing on you in the middle of play.
Well, of course, but you do know that chicken is protein, right?! It is! You can look it up!
Ferns
Yeah, but… but… but beer and beef, dammit!
I agree with him though, I don’t think controlling what your boy of interest eats, wears, or otherwise telling him what he likes, wants, or feels, is a healthy way to start (or continue) a d/s relationship even if it gets your panties wet… Unless you both agree to do a full-time thing. In that case, disregard…
Why? Because it will be interpreted as not loving your boy for who he is and instead loving him for who you want him to be/imagine him…
…this sets the tone for a hostile relationship environment; boy states what he likes (and what he likes will hopefully be of interest to you as his girlfriend and mistress), domme shuts him down and tells him to do/have something else, boy is submissive and obeys. With time boy feels afraid to express himself and pursue his interests, he begins to feel unseen and like he isn’t loved for who he is, and eventually either builds resentment or emotional numbness as a result of his true self never being seen or loved.
He will feel lost and unable to find what he wants (and knowing what you want is a very attractive quality in my opinion. Something that indeed draws me towards d/s relationships)… ((I love how my boy knows his preferences in bed and in life! Hella sexy!))
Which can then lead to emotional unavailability, infidelity, and the likes…
On the other hand, if he is really indecisive and takes forever it might be ok to let your inner domme take charge for a little ;) after all, with time of not choosing for himself he will start to get a feel of what he does want, and that’s awesome because frankly it would be exhausting to be flat out controlling, versus hints-of-inner-domme coming out in unexpected moments… It can be a delicate balance, easily thrown off kilter..
…just something to keep in mind. This is a relationship were talking about, where each person has their own thoughts, opinions, and preferences. If sameness is what you’re going for that’s not much of a relationship if you ask me.
Ahh, you miss the interplay.
1. He’s working on his fitness and I know what his goals are
2. I feel him out as we go, give him a chance to back away
3. He doesn’t, he plays with me. THAT’S the hot sweetness for both of us.
If it doesn’t work for you, then it doesn’t. But in this case, you are extrapolating a hot-sexy little D/s exchange out WAAAYYY further than it goes.
Ferns
”
I agree with him though, I don’t think controlling what your boy of interest eats, wears, or otherwise telling him what he likes, wants, or feels, is a healthy way to start (or continue) a d/s relationship even if it gets your panties wet… Unless you both agree to do a full-time thing. In that case, disregard…
Why? Because it will be interpreted as not loving your boy for who he is and instead loving him for who you want him to be/imagine him…
”
That was months ago, but, I just wanted to add, that that is what I seek. Someone who will help me by pushing me to be better. With carrot or stick, I mean whip, literally. Someone who will *demand* … more. Someone who will punish me for what I am, and love me for what I can easily be.
That is, when it comes to stuff like fitness or improving myself, or just being organized and mindful of opportunities, instead of lazy and inattentive.
I’m not a fat slob, but I also do not perform anywhere near capacity without external motivation, i.e. a woman. Vanilla or domme.
“Sweet boy” absolutely does it for me, as do variations such as “smart boy,” “silly boy,” or the all-time classic “good boy.”
I wonder what it is about “Good Boy” that makes it so great for so many male-subs. It makes me melt!
@Capn_Andy: Good question. I expect it varies for each person, but for me, part of it is the combination of petting and using a diminutive.
Together they feel to me like wrapping him up all tight and warm and safe while metaphorically putting him at my feet.
*sigh* Lovely.
Ferns
It really is a kind of verbal “petting,” I would agree. Hearing it from the right woman gives me a similar feeling to stroking my hair.
@Neophyte: *smile* Yes! It’s terribly sweet.
Ferns
@SwitchOrSub: I think there are many many opportunities for a D/s relationship to help get all sorts of things on track in various ways. For me it’s both about control and sweetness.
Ferns
Yes. Fun and good times with such flirts.
But, damnit, sometimes I feel like I have a mental block at bouncing it backwards and forwards. I don’t expect it and don’t quite believe it when it happens . . . . I can leave conversations and, some time later – even hours or days later – think to myself, ‘What stopped you unfreezing there?’ I feel like I’m made out of granite, sometimes. Bugger.
“Yes. Fun and good times with such flirts.”
*smile* Yes!
“But, damnit, sometimes I feel like I have a mental block at bouncing it backwards and forwards.”
Yeah, I don’t think that’s so unusual, on either side. Maybe it’s mood, maybe it’s subtlety, maybe it’s brain freeze, maybe it’s just missing the cues (and of course, my assumption is always that they are not interested, you can’t shove at these things).
I think that the fact that it only rarely really fires (for me, anyway) is one of the things that makes it special when it *does* work.
Ferns
I do these things too! Soooo much fun when you get that shy little smile or blush and they play back! Nothing ever really comes of it, but fun!
@Neophyte: “verbal petting” I like that! Gonna steal that, k? Thanks.
I wonder if ‘Ma’am’ works as well for femdoms as ‘boy’ works on me . . . .
Yes, yes, I know they’re/you’re all different, etc, etc.
Good question. I wish I could quantify “good boy” along with “Ma’am” and see if one impacts more than the other?
Maybe it’s safest to just assume they are both roughly equivalent (both subject to personal preference, of course)
For me, when it’s said with *intent* by a boy that I like, it would be equivalent.
When he calls me ‘Ma’am’ deliberately, out of respect and affection, and as ‘verbal petting’, I melt.
Ferns
I’ve actually never cared for ma’am, but I do love ‘miss’ as its like a shortened version of mistress. If he addresses me with miss and looks at me with those cute eyes… *pat pat* good boyyyyy ;)))
My mom always hated ma’am cause she said it made her feel old, ad I agree! Miss is a lot more subtle. You don’t want to accidentally piss off your queen now… But then again a proper domme will correct you anyways :)
I think ‘Ma’am’ makes a lot of American (are you American?) women feel old, but it’s really not used here in Australia EVER, so that connotation doesn’t really exist.
For me, ‘Miss’ reminds me of when I was a schoolteacher with a bunch of whiny kids going ‘Hey Miss, Miss, Miiiissss!’ Very unsexy!
I’m actually open to other honorifics, but I’ve never found one that I liked as well. Plus if it slips out in public, I want to be able to pass it off as no big deal. That becomes difficult when it’s too theatrical or fetishy.
Ferns
Well, I quite like ‘ma’am’ if it’s said sweetly. I had a recent exchange with a boy where he just sort of casually let slip a ‘ma’am’ in what otherwise wasn’t a very flirtatious conversation.
Me: Did you call me ‘ma’am’?
Him: (laughing) Yes, ma’am.
And then I had to go lie down on my fainting couch for a bit. So cute! I don’t know if he’s kinky and am unlikely to find out, but I’m certainly going to pretend.
(Also sorry, Ferns, I hope you don’t mind my commenting on older posts!)
My favorite is when the flirtation happens, and there’s definitely a D/s vibe, but the other person doesn’t realize that what we’re both feeling is a D/s vibe — they don’t know what it is or have a name for it.
The openness and naivety and innocence is fucking delicious. All I can think is “You have no idea… you’re playing with fire…”
It feels predatory, and hot, and it’s so fucking addictive.
*chuckle* Yes!
Ferns
What a great article on DS flirting. Sometimes I think flirting is a lost art in vanilla or BDSM world. I do think we BDSM’ers have more “material” to work with when we flirt than the vanillas do. DS flirting is a subtle art in a not so subtle world.
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it.
I do think flirting is a lost art!!
I actually only flirt if a) I have genuine interest in him or b) the boundaries are really clear. Otherwise I find that most men will assume it’s serious and I then have to backtrack awkwardly to explain that ‘no, I don’t want to shag you, I was just having a little fun’. I assume that’s because they aren’t used to it, and the awkward back peddling is totally not worth it.
Ferns
Great stuff, Ferns. I think this that D/s flirting as you describe it is a good way to test the waters, so to speak, if that is what you want to do, as it can just be bypassed if the other is not interested or it can be embraced, or anything in between.
Yes!
I wouldn’t do it with a) someone who might be misled by it into thinking it was serious if it wasn’t or b) someone who I thought might be unable or unwilling to disengage from it if they were uncomfortable.
But other than that, it can be really sweet and great fun.
Ferns
Great article, Ferns.
I have the opposite problem to Sir Puppington Lothian in that I bounce back these flirts without really meaning to. This has meant that some of my relationships with certain girls took on a d/s tinge and I’ve fallen into the dynamic a little bit.
The first person I ever had I d/s relationship with said she knew I was a sub because of the way I would play along with these kind verbal games. I know what she means now looking back but at the time I was doing it all unwittingly.
Charlie
D/s flirting sounds fun. Question-could such flirting lead to the sweet little games that were discussed on another thread?