Hello wonderful Ferns,
I have started seeing a beautiful boi, who is alpha plus in his day job. This also means he is extremely busy. Sometimes this makes it hard to dominate him as we kind of work to his clock. I am okish with this as I admire his work, actually it really turns me on.. blah blah ANYWAY… Have you been in a similar position and how did you manage it? Or, alternatively do you know of some fet groups or blogs that discuss similar dynamics (im looking for tips, discussions on problems that come up). My biggest problem is that I sometimes I am ‘Dommeing’ on command – although I know that’s not his intention, or desire.
Thanks :)
Lady
Hello lovely Lady *smile*,
Congratulations on the start of your relationship with a lovely boy! That’s the most important bit!!
Without knowing any details, my main question would be ‘what do you mean by ‘dominating him’ in this question’?
The reason I am wondering about that is because realistically, we ALL deal with partners who have other demands on their time, that’s just how life goes. They have work, family commitments, boring ‘taking care of business’ stuff. So I don’t think you need to find a special group for people who deal with this. *Everyone* deals with this in one way or another.
So I have two thoughts on this:
1. If by ‘dominating him’ you mean ‘getting him to do sexy things at your command’, then I understand that you can’t do that while he is at work.
2. If by ‘dominating him’ you mean ‘having him under your control’ (even if you aren’t *exercising* that control in overt ways), then that’s totally doable any time, all the time.
So for me, when I have a D/s relationship, a lot of what we do sits under item 2 above.
By that I mean he’s mine, and he’s mine whether I am telling him to kiss my feet or whether we are grocery shopping or when he is at work. How I exercise control in each of those situations is completely different.
The first is an overt command, the second might manifest as me just saying ‘nope, not getting that’ to something he wants to buy and the third might be a request that he text me at lunchtime.
In short, HOW I exercise my control varies wildly depending on the situation.
Re the work situation, I might tell him what shirt and tie to wear on any given day, choose his underwear, have him wear a piece of jewellery I have given him, have him text me at least once a day during a break, have him send me a photo of what he is up to etc. There are any number of ways to exercise control that don’t at all interfere with his ability to do his work.
So my suggestion would be to become familiar with his work situation, ensure that you know enough to understand what the viable options are for exercising control, figure out what is sweet and meaningful to you both, and then go for it.
My wonderful readers might have some other suggestions too.
Best of luck!
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7 comments
Just in case the lady means that play is occurring on his schedule and not hers…
I can really relate to this! I have way more free time than the husband does. His jobs (yes, plural, as in more than one) are also physically and mentally demanding. The result of that is that play almost always occurs at his whim and not mine. That can really leave me feeling like an unpaid prodomme if I’m not careful. Adding to that, I have a way higher kink drive and sex drive than he does. So I want that play time more often than he does… which makes me very likely to say “yes” to play any time he is in the mood.
So. What to do about that? Well, for starters, I’m looking for a much more available and biddable second submissive. In addition to that, we have had several discussions about the situation. He isn’t allowed to say “yes” to any other jobs. Also I get first dibs on his free time. That keeps his schedule as open as it currently can be. Also, I have to be ok with sometimes saying “no” to play. We also try to schedule play time ahead of time as often as we can. That does help me not to feel like I’m some kind of kink-on-demand machine.
Great perspective, thank you!
Ferns
“Re the work situation, I might tell him what shirt and tie to wear on any given day, choose his underwear, have him wear a piece of jewellery I have given him, have him text me at least once a day during a break, have him send me a photo of what he is up to etc.”
It is interesting to see how you exercise control when your partner is not around physically. This shows a huge imagination as well. I can’t say I have suggestions since I have not had that yet but I think the suggestions you offered were fascinating.
Respectfully,
mysticlez
*smile* I like having tendrils all over him as he goes about his day: it makes me happy.
Ferns
I find the last sentence most curious:
“My biggest problem is that I sometimes I am ‘Dommeing’ on command – although I know that’s not his intention, or desire.”
I wonder what she exactly means by this statement. Is it the case that his schedule is tough to find free time and time together, so that his schedule is what controls the D/s dynamic and expressing it? Then perhaps it is the case that expanding the D/s activities into his work life is all that is needed.
But I have to wonder, is it instead (or in addition) the case that he is feeling the need to be submissive and then “requests” or makes time for it on his schedule? And is it perhaps also that there are times when he is open to it, and other times when he says, “no, not tonight, I am too tired” or something along those lines, which suggests a mismatch in expectations of what the D/s dynamic means to each of them? Possibly, for him, it is amore a scene type thing, and for her it is more a lifestyle type thing?
Interesting question, wish more was known….
I know, there are always so many questions!! I tend to just guess, make some assumptions, and go from there.
I think anonymouskinky probably hit the crux of it better than I did.
Hopefully something here has been helpful for Lady.
Ferns