Reader Q&A transcribed: Finding partners, kidnapping, spanking, threesomes

I asked my amazing ‘man who knows everything’ if he could find some free software to transcribe my last podcast for those who might be hearing impaired, or those who just don’t like audio.

He is such a sweetheart that he came back with ‘Yes, I’ll look into it’ AND THEN HE MANUALLY TRANSCRIBED THE AUDIO FOR ME *swoon*.

So for the lovely Coug and anyone else who prefers text over audio for whatever reason, here’s my podcast transcribed. 30 minutes of talking is ungodly long in text: just sayin’.

Thank you to my most wonderful ‘man who knows everything’ for doing all this work, I really appreciate it.

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Hello, Dear Readers.

I thought I’d do a Q&A, by voice, again, because typing is way too much trouble. And I have a backlog because I think there’s only a few and then I leave them, and then when I go and check there’s, like, 20 questions. And I do appreciate the questions, I’m just really terrible at getting to the point where I think there are enough to make a post out of them.

Also, I feel like I need some theme music here, you know? Podcasts always start with some theme music, so I’m a bit, a bit crap all round, really. [laughter]

Nevertheless, I’m going to pause it, I’m going to find the first question… and let’s go.

This first question is: “What is the best way to polish an apple? Does this vary significantly by variety?”

That may seem like a very bizarre question. But I did mention in my… in one of my previous podcasts that my job is polishing apples in the supermarket so they’re all shiny for you.

And my answer is this: [laughter]

The best way is a clean cloth and a swirling motion. A quick swirling motion. And, no, it does not vary depending on what type of apple it is.

So there you go, I hope that’s helpful.

Ah, the next one is: “How do I start to choose a name for my subject and how do I start my control over him?”

Now this is quite an old one, so I hope you’ve sorted that out. But by subject, this person is obviously a dominant woman who means, by subject they mean submissive. So my advice is this: Choose a name that fits for you both, that works for you, that makes you feel warm and fuzzy and hot and fabulous. And that makes him feel whatever he wants to feel.

How do you start your control over him?

I guess you talk about what your D/s relationship is going to look like.

I suspect that’s not the sexy answer you expected. I don’t know. Like maybe you expected, “You grab him by the throat and you hold him up against the wall!”

Which is super hot, but not really the way you start [laughter] exerting control. Anyway, I hope you’ve sorted that out by now.

2:42 Oh! This is a sweet one! Thank you.

“You have a really lovely voice and accent, so you should definitely keep doing the audio Q&A.”

And I just have to correct you there, because everybody knows that Australians do not have accents. It’s everyone else who has an accent.

And they had a question as well: “Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who has expressed an interest in kink-related stuff that was a hard limit for you. If so, how has that relationship turned out?”

Um. No, I haven’t. And I think what is more likely than someone hitting a hard limit, because I think that would come up reasonably early, because I think my hard limits are… way out there. I think what is much more likely is that someone learns they have an interest in something that I’m just not interested in.

So it’s not a hard limit, it’s not something horrible, it’s just something that doesn’t do much for me. And I think that’s a much more likely scenario. And I haven’t struck it yet.

I think, I think if I did strike something like that and we had an established relationship and I, maybe I… am in love with him or, you know, I’m very, very fond of him and we’re heading toward some great love, I would probably be prepared to indulge him, from time to time.

But we’d have to have a very serious talk about it if it was something that he was really getting into seriously and really wanted to do a lot of, because I think that would be a problem.

4:26 Aw. [laughter] This is a sweet one! Except I’m not going to read it, because it’s not a question.

It’s a solicitation and this person said, “Next week I will be 69, no joke!”

[laughter] That does sound a bit like a joke though, right?

He starts off with, “You have no idea how much I would love to serve you.” And then he tells me a little bit about himself… and then suggests that if I’m not interested, I might be able to recommend someone in Florida.

Um. And then didn’t leave even a contact… so, he’s been waiting a while for a response here.

I appreciate your interest and, no, I do not know anybody in Florida, I’m afraid, and you’re a little bit too far away from me anyway. Good luck, I hope you find someone.

5:35 [sigh] This is probably why I haven’t done the Q&A, because I’m not sure what to say to some of these.

“Why do I fantasize about a woman kidnapping me and making me her submissive? I’m not sure, but I think I may want it to be realized, but I do not know how I would even do it safely, as I do not have a partner yet.”

Well, I think it’s a common fantasy, quite frankly. I think a lot of, you know, quite out there fantasies are very common. Um, and I think you are wise to be concerned about how you would do it safely. And most people who want to play with this sort of stuff do it with an established partner or with someone who they trust, because otherwise it can get out of hand, obviously, because if you don’t know someone, you can’t trust them to look after you.

So, it’s a fantasy that you can play out, but, yeah, you need to make at least a bunch of friends who will play that game with you and, uh, at best, you find a partner who’s willing to play that way with you. I also think it’s quite a hard and, um, tricky scene to pull off. I don’t think you can do… well, let me just say this: someone like me, who is not in the community and doesn’t have a whole bunch of real life friends to bring in on that is going to really struggle to make anything like that come true. And you have to recognize, and be very clear, that if you find someone to do that, it is a lot of work for them to organize, and to stage it, and to act it out. Not just preparation work, but mental and emotional work also. So, it’s not a small thing you’re asking there.

I don’t think it’s impossible. I know people who have done kidnapping scenes, and it’s worked quite well. So good luck finding that.

Oh, you actually asked, “Why do I?” I don’t know why. Because… it’s hot? [laughter]

7:46 Oh. Oh! This is the same person, “Sorry for this post, but this is the man who wrote about the kidnapping by a dominant. I’m looking for a long-term relationship with a dominant woman and want to get to know her as a person. Have not had success in meeting her, have been scammed a couple of times. I’ve tried the dating sites and as soon as I was contacted, they said they were going to meet me, but when the time came, they did not show.”

So… um… dating is hard. Finding a partner is hard. Um, I don’t… I’m still single after quite a while even though I’m very open to finding partners. So, I don’t have any magic answers for you, because there aren’t any. Finding someone who is both vanilla- and kink-compatible is just difficult. [said in sad voice] So… I don’t, I don’t… I think you are asking me for advice on how you can up your odds? The one thing I will say is that if you are on dating sites, if you are on Collarspace, or if you are on OKCupid, or you’re on Match.com, or you’re on Plenty of Fish, or you’re on FetLife, or whatever site you’re on, I’m going to say this: if… it’s not, it’s not 100% true, but I’m going to say it’s 99.9% true… if you get approached by a dominant woman who does fantasy talk at you, “I have chosen you! I want you to be my slave! You will serve me!” [said in mock dominant voice] You know, that sort of stuff: it’s a scammer! It’s a scammer or, you know, it’s someone who’s, well, there’s no, there’s no or anything, actually… it’s a scammer. And you should not believe them, and you should not send them any money. If anyone asks you for money, just don’t send it, okay?

And the exception to that is, if you get something out of it, if you, if you’re a finsub, and you get something out of sending money to strange women… they don’t have to be women, I guess… but, that’s different. But don’t pay on the promise of a relationship. Don’t pay because they’ve simply asked you to do that before they will even talk to you. Just don’t do it.

10:03 Um. Ah. [sigh] I, I… am struggling to understand this next one because the English is not very good. But… it is, I can understand enough to know that this is a, a forty-three-year-old virgin who is very upset and concerned about not being able to find a mistress. And I, I, I kind of have already addressed that, and I, I don’t really have much else to say about that. I don’t have a magic wand and I can’t make it happen for anybody. My best advice is: Be the best person you can be. Be awesome, and then put your awesomeness out there in front of people and, if you are community-minded, you can go out to munches, you can go out to parties, you can go and meet people. If you’re an introvert like me, you can get on a site like FetLife, and, and join in. Don’t just get on there and be passive. Get on there and join in, in discussions; and be thoughtful, and learn things, and be fantastic.

Um. You can’t expect to do not much and then have someone fall into your lap, because that’s just not going to happen, no matter how wonderful you are.

11:37 [laughter] This one’s obviously from a female dominant. She said, “Your blog rules!”

Thank you so much! I thought it was actually, “What are your blog rules?” or something. [laughter] But, no, it’s, “Your blog rules!”

Um, “Any advice for choosing a domme name?”

Well, mine’s Ferns. And it’s pretty, it’s got a pretty boring backstory and it’s not very dommely, or anything. And, for those of you who are curious, I chose it because I used it on a work-related site that needed a login that included parts of my name, and I made it short because it was easy to type and remember because I’m lazy. And it was gender-neutral, which I liked in the early days of computering. So, look, I don’t think it matters much.

I think if you choose one that’s a bit over the top, then you, you tend to sound a bit silly. So probably don’t do one of those, like, I always joke about “Mistress Bitchy Pants.” [laughter] Which is an awesome name. Um, but, probably not one that someone is going to take that seriously. So, if you don’t want to be taken seriously, choose something fun, and something you enjoy, and something you can have a bit of a laugh with.

Um, but, my only advice is don’t choose something that’s SUPER SERIOUS DOMLY DOM DOM DOM because you end up… being sorry, because you sound like a bit of an… an arsehole, frankly. [laughter]

13:17 Um… “Hi, I’m John, 58, from Texas. I’m a life-long submissive, happily married to a non-domme woman. We’ve recently started experimenting with a female-led relationship, and I think it’s going well.”

That is such great news, John! Thank you so much for that!

“I just discovered your blog, and I really love it. I’ve read it pretty much cover-to-cover in just one day.”

That is so flattering and lovely, thank you.

“You write very well.”

Thank you.

“In addition, you do a great job of melding the requirements of day-to-day living with being able to live your kinks. Very refreshing. Just one comment: I read your posts re: age differences, and I definitely understand your point. I just know that many submissive men are hugely attracted to older women. I think it may have to do with mother issues.”

[laughter] … Okay.

“My first sub relationship was with a woman 29 years older than me. I was 23 and it was amazing, though it had some Oedipal undertones. I hope we can keep an open mind if our friends want to pursue that path. Anyway, keep up the good work.”

I’ve spoken about age differences a few times. And I recognize that I’m ageist to some extent. And I try very hard not to let that influence me. I think, I think we obviously learn from our experiences, right? And if you have certain experiences with a certain demographic, then you start to expect that kind of behavior from that demographic, whether it’s good behavior, or bad behavior, or something in-between.

I… try to assess what people are like on their merits, but I’m also not naive. And, I do have to take into account that, whether someone is much younger or much older, there are things about them that are going to be… well, I don’t want to use the word “problematic”… that are going to be challenges, I guess. And the people who trot out cliches like, “Oh, age is only a number!” annoy me, because it makes me think that they have not given it a second of consideration. Because it’s a dumb thing to say. Age is not just a number. It’s experience, it’s life stage, it’s, um, what your future looks like, it’s all that sort of thing that influences how you are out in the world and how you are with each other.

And I do think that those challenges can be overcome. I’m not saying they can’t. But, to pretend they don’t exist… is folly, I think. So… yeah. I’m open to age differences, and I skew younger, because I’ve had better experiences with younger men, but… I do think there are some challenges there.

16:33 [laughter] Oh! This… these are such funny little questions in my inbox. I’m not sure why this time, particularly.

“You are one gorgeous, sweet, young lady. You beauty light [sic] up every room you enter or public place you go to.”

I don’t know how you know that. But it’s totally true. Totally true.

And there’s a question: “Why would a female enjoy being spanker, and enjoy spanking naughty boy over their lap? [sic]” [laughter]

I like these “why, why do women like this, or why do men like this.” I don’t know why. There’s probably a billion reasons. Why does anyone like anything? Because it feels good. Because emotionally it hits something in the back of your lizard brain. Because it turns you on. Why does it turn you on? Who knows?

So the answer to that is, I really don’t know. But some people really love it, and that’s awesome.

17:37 [laughter] And then the next one, I’m not going to read. Because it’s obviously from the same person, about spanking. Look, I’ve already answered that, I’m not answering that again. Different words. I recognise you, I recognise you.

17:54 And the next one is an odd one: “Are you still offering the online and phone submissive instructions?”

I don’t know who you’ve got me confused with, because I never did that. So, uh, no? That’s an easy one, anyway.

18:08 “Hi Ferns, your other blog’s page broke again. The last time they posted doesn’t show.”

I don’t know what you are saying to me, but I hope it’s fixed, because that’s quite an old one.

I appreciate you telling me there’s a problem, but I need more detail if you want me to fix it.

18:35 Ah! Now this one! I haven’t written about this because… I don’t know why.

“Sharyn, I hope that you might, by chance, remember me, virtually. We met online some years ago, in the nineties. Your tag was SweetAs. I asked you what you were sweet as, and your reply was, ‘Chocolate ice cream melting on summer day.’ You and I enjoyed a lot of correspondence. Your first website had a pixel that could be clicked on to see the hidden pages. I searched your name a number of times and was lucky enough to find what you had on Amazon. You changed my life. I wanted to connect with you. If you don’t remember, I will understand.”

Ah. So sweet. This was from a boy I knew as “Colorado.” Way back in the day before I went out into the real world, I was online, and exploring my dominance. And Colorado was my first ever submissive. And it was online, back in the days when it was dial up, and there was no such thing as digital cameras, and phone calls internationally were terribly expensive, and he was in the US. And, um, I have to write about this… anyway, he got in touch with me via this form, and we’ve exchanged a few emails, which is incredibly sweet. And I have so many good memories… of him, and of our interaction, and of the things that he taught me. But, one of the things he said, which really resonated with me, was that one of the reasons he wanted to get back in touch was to know if it was real. And that is such an interesting thing, because it was all online. I think we might have had one phone call in the twelve months or so that we were interacting. And, um, we exchanged one picture, I think. And it was incredibly powerful for both of us. So it was so lovely to get this email, and to get back in touch with him. I will have to write about that. I will.

21:13 Um… the next couple are a bit of spam.

Oh, here’s one: “I read your latest post. I’m simply curious to know, what’s a non-vanilla date for you? And what is a domme-date at all? What is your favorite ‘fantasy’?” [aside] That’s in air quotes. “What’s your favorite fantasy about that? Perhaps you’ve already described that many times. But is it so bad to repeat it, to say it again and again what one likes and loves? I wonder if the love of the domme is so impossible. I imagine several possibilities, more or less clear or vague.”

That’s a lot of thoughts in there, but I’m going to answer the obvious one.

So, when they say I read you latest post, it was about my vanilla dating. And, “What’s a non-vanilla date for you?” is a date with someone who I know is submissive. It’s not that the dating, that what we do, is so different. We meet up for a drink, we have a chat, all that sort of stuff. But it’s a vanilla date when he’s vanilla and he doesn’t know I’m dominant, and we have no, um, recognition of any D/s there and I don’t know if he would be interested in D/s or anything like that. And that’s all that it is.

I think the question comes from the idea that a “domme-date” is something very specific and different and I’m all “Ooo! Dommely-domme-domme-domme!” Which I’m not. That’s not how it works. So, when I say vanilla date, I really just mean a date with some vanilla guy, that’s all.

22:53 The next one is… just a little story from somebody. So I’m going to read it to you.

“Hi, I discovered you this AM and read a few dozen posts and just ordered your book.”

Thank you. I’m glad you ordered it. Hope you enjoy it.

“I wish I was in your area, not in New York City. As a fifty-one, and fairly recent widow, I’d love to buy you dinner as partial compensation for asking you many questions.”

Well, you don’t have to pay to ask questions. That’s what my inbox is for.

“I don’t think we’d be compatible, as I’m a mere lurker sub, and a remarkably timid one at that. I doubt I could go very far in this without a kind, very understanding, patient partner. Even without other issues in my life. But I was particularly drawn to your blog because, while sub, I don’t want to be despised, abused, hurt, cuckolded, denied forever, etc. I’d like to be loved and appreciated, perhaps even respected, despite my wish to please the woman in my life and defer to her.”

“As I said to my wife, I need a woman who can forgive me my foibles. Even though I never had the courage to tell her what all of mine were, one of many regrets I have.”

That is such a sad and lovely note. Thank you for sharing that, I really appreciate it. And I, I want to say that most D/s relationships really, really, really aren’t about what you see out there in porn and in the extreme, you know, marketing of prodommes, or whatever, where the sub is a lowly despised worm and abused and hurt, and all those other things. The majority of them are about love and… at fifty-one, you’re still young, right? And New York City is a big city. So… you’ve got some regrets; don’t be building, don’t be building more. You’ve got some opportunities there now, even if you’re timid and shy. I wish you the best, and thank you so much… for your note.

Oh. [laughter] I’m going through these in order. Oh, there’s more! Continued.

I think he maybe ran out of space.

“So, to my question.” [laughter]

“As a fifty-one-year-old, single father of a wonderful seven-year-old, I find the notion of dating anyone terrifying and exhausting.”

I hear you! I find it terrifying and exhausting also. I can totally relate.

“I’ve been off the market for about twenty years, and wasn’t good at it then. Just my fifty- to sixty-hour work week and taking care of Junior is kicking my tail. The idea of trying to find a lady interesting in meeting my son and in introducing me to, I don’t know what one would call it, light femdom, gentle dominance, seems impossible.

“I’ve taken note of FetLife, but I fear I’m neither attractive, witty, nor interesting enough to overcome the masses there. I welcome your thoughts on any part of this ramble and thank you for your time.”

You haven’t given me a name, Mr. New York, but you sound sweet. Um, and I think sweet is huge, for a start. I do think you have challenges, I’m not going to lie to you about that. But I think part of the, um, issue is that… you are devaluing yourself before you even start.

So… my advice to you is to try not to be too scared and to make some genuine forays and you’re on FetLife, have a look around, have a read, maybe join in some discussions, um, start becoming a little bit more comfortable with yourself. And I know you said work and looking after your child is huge in terms of your time, and I completely understand that, but I would encourage you to find something that you’re passionate about and get into it, you know? And maybe it’s something to do with your child, which would be awesome. Um, but if you trudge along and you are not indulging yourself, in terms of, you know, I guess being your best self, you’re going to feel that, and you’re going to project that… I don’t want to say negativity, that’s too strong of a word… that reluctance, or that lack of confidence, and that will impact how you come across.

And the word, the term you’re looking for, that’s used a lot is sensual dominance, which for people who are not interesting in sadomasochism or, you know, if they are, it’s very light, and who are very much concentrating on very sweet and romantic relationships. I wish you the best of luck. And you, feel free to friend me over there, if you’re on FetLife.

28:30 Um. “My master has shown an interest in sharing me in a session with a domme due to my bi-curious nature. Do you think this is something a domme would be interested in? I’m concerned with there being issues or a power struggle with two dominants.”

Well… hmm. Yes, I do think, I do think there would be an issue, but not really with the power struggle. I think you’ve identified the problem with your first question, “Do you think that a domme would be interested in it?” I don’t see why she would. I don’t see why anyone would be interested in that. Um, if she is a friend of yours, someone you know and respect, and she respects your master and likes you, then, sure, I could see something.

I don’t think in a play session, if you agreed and negotiated very clearly what was going to happen that you’d have much of a problem. I think if he expects her to submit to him in that play, then that’s probably going to be an issue, yes.

But I think the bigger issue is finding someone who’d want to do that. I just can see what’s in it for them, to be frank. If they wanted to play with a female submissive, I suspect they could probably find one that wasn’t in the same situation as you are, who is just bi-curious and wants… their master is organising this thing and wants the domme to play a part in the, you know, play act some part in their fantasy. That’s just not an attractive proposition. For anybody, really.

So, my advice would be to make some friends, and then some friend might do it for fun.

30:17 Oh, and then a lovely, “Hearty congratulations on your top ten listing.”

Which is from the Best Sex Bloggers of 2015 list. Thank you so much!

Um. And he put in a quote, “She’s a phenomenal writer and her blog is an honest and frank account of what it means to her to be a female domme.”

And he said this compliment, “couldn’t have been written any better for this reader.”

“While I lurk to your blog almost daily, I appreciate your joy, the pathos, the frustrations, the titillations you express so candidly. And I thank you very much for allowing a person such as myself into that little glimpse of your life. I hope your vanilla-dating project [laughter] has shown some sign of benefit lately, as I can only wish the best for you. Sincerely, from the direct other side of the world. -Jeff”

Thank you, Jeff, that is such a lovely little note! I appreciate that.

31:18 And that’s thirty-one minutes, and it takes me to the end of the Q&A.

So, um, thank you for your indulgence, and thank you so much for your questions.

If you want to ask me anything, I will leave the link at the bottom of this post, and… it will take me forever, but I will get to it, I promise.

So, as long as it’s not anything urgent. If it’s something urgent, go to the ER! [laughter] Don’t be leaving, don’t be leaving notes on random blogs.

Um, and I shall speak to you soon.

I need theme music to close as well, right? Maybe I should sing. No, nobody wants to hear that. [laughter]

I’ll speak to you soon.

[end transcript]

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