I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m sad, and none of this is a surprise. Which is some comfort. Because I knew. And knowing means my instincts are good, solid, reliable. Knowing cushions the fall, makes the landing softer.
“I don’t trust him,” I said, right there in black and white.
I was right.
But I still kept a little piece of hope alive, because dammit, there was something there that I haven’t felt in a long long time. And I wanted it. Even though I knew, really, that it was an illusion.
Sometimes those imaginings have a power all of their own, they are warm and beautiful, and when you put them to bed each night and give them a soft kiss on the forehead, they are so very sweet. Full of promise and potential. And so you are reluctant to do the work you need to do to shatter them.
I did the work. The pieces are on the ground.
And this is not the draft that I had ready to publish. Not even close.
But it is what it is.
___
*Before you get too worried about me, let me say that when I was looking for a song for this post, I laughed my head off at this clip. Henry Rollins knows what’s what. He’s a god. And I’m okay, truly.
23 comments
That’s shit. Sorry.
It is. And thanks.
Ferns
I wish I could be the one to restore your faith, but my lot in life is cast elsewhere. You deserve happiness. Hang in there, it will happen.
And the journey continues. At least you know your fire can still be stirred deeply! That passion can overwhelmingly rise and unexpectedly flood your senses.
And what a great video! I’ve met my share of liars. LOL
There is that: being terrified is pretty awesome. I’ve missed it.
Ferns
Thing is, you’re absence from writing kinda had me worried that there was something… It’s good to hear you’re okay, but well shit… One of these days some cute tall handsome boy is going to have to wake up from a slumber and go and find you, or else i’ll lose all of my fate in humankind!
your absence… sue me, i just woke up, i know how to spell… ;)
I know… why are they taking so looooonnnngggg?! Geez, I’ve put the proverbial smoke signals up everywhere!
Ferns
I’m glad you’re okay and sorry to hear. You’re so right about those promisings… I’m trying to shatter mine at the moment and am holding the crystal in my hand and willing myself to drop it. It’s on it’s way, I think. xo
Yeah, no matter what, breaking that shiny thing is always the worst, even if it’s not really shiny any more :(.
Ferns
I’m sorry… That really sucks.
Yup :/.
Ferns
So very sorry. Unfortunately sometimes you can’t avoid the hurt without losing so much more.
I think you have to take risks. No risk: no reward. So I guess it’s par for the course if you keep putting yourself out there.
Ferns
Oh Ferns I am sad, it’s horrible when you’re lied to, especially under these circumstances. Have a hug (free, gratis and just to show the solemnity not even a sly grope) off me. On the upside I love that vid so you know. . . hurrah right? *waves hands feebly*
Coug
Oh, is this one of those situations where groping was inappropriate?? Coug always knows proper etiquette. ~slinks sheepishly away~
Thanks Coug *hug*.
And that video, right?! *laugh*.
Ferns
Damn, you recently have this disappointment as well as that egregios mansplaining incident from ImAFuckwit or whatever his handle was. Kinds of sucks at the moment. Hope it gets much better Miss Ferns.
*smile* Thanks, I hope it gets better also.
Ferns
Well shit that sucks… glad you okay hoping for great soon!
It DOES suck, but yes, I’m okay, thank you!
Ferns
Intense!! Hang in there… It’s all a process, right???:))) I know you’re okay, girls like you just keep getting better with age! That was an awesome video 🖤
Thank you! I appreciate the kind words.
(I should have a warning on emotional past-posts. My auto tweeter sent this out today, but it’s 4 years old now :))
Ferns