I haven’t written about this: I might still, at some stage. But sometimes the whys and wherefores of difficult things are better left to sit quietly unspoken until there is no power left in them.
Suffice it to say that I took a hit and feel like I am now gathering up my various resources, hoarding them until they are back at full strength.
I took a tentative step out and reactivated my vanilla dating profile, put up some new pictures. It was a litany of fail: Ridiculous one-liners, incredibly dull profiles, terrible off-putting photos. I swear there is some factory somewhere where they churn out these shadow-men in endless numbers. After a while they all just seem like the same one dimensional cut-out with slightly different shapes.
To be fair, I did get two interesting emails: both from men in the US… bah! One smart and funny submissive type who turned off his location filter to find me (silly boy, who wants to see glimpses of the untouchable?) and one vanilla type who had a stunningly fascinating profile and who had not given two seconds of consideration to the actual consequences of distance.
I deactivated the profile about a week later. I didn’t have the appetite for it. My resources are still too depleted.
On the upside, I have been talking to the sweet boy with whom I had a service date last year. We have been in touch on and off since then. He has also struck some experiences recently that have left him feeling a little raw.
I invited him to visit for another service date: He will wash my car, kneel before me, serve me champagne, massage my hands and feet, colour my nails, and we will talk about things that don’t matter much.
It will be simple and sweet and uncomplicated. A small reminder of who we are when we are not being buffeted by the world.
25 comments
The older I get, the more I think the best relationships are the least complicated ones. Enjoy your service date – I wish I’d done that kind of thing when I were younger.
I don’t mind complicated as long as it’s good.
Thank you, I will.
Ferns
My wife and I met online dating, were on opposite sides of the globe. Back in the dial-up Internet days.
I gave a ridiculous* one-liner didn’t expect anything out of it. Why one-liner? Most messages were not replied. It got tiresome crafting customized first messages. Also, I didn’t think online dating across the globe would yield anything.
I believe it was the photo** that caught her attention. Photography is my hobby. I put some effort into it.
Now we have a happy family. And she transformed from vanilla to a domme…
Just thought I’d offer some encouragement.
*Exceptionally ridiculous and dull, and half line, not even a full one line…
**One photo. Because it took forever to download one on dial-up.
Aww, that’s a lovely story!
I know it’s not unusual for online relationships to work out, but wow, you got lucky with a lame one-liner as a starting point *smile*.
Congratulations to you both.
Ferns
“I invited him to visit for another service date: He will wash my car, kneel before me, serve me champagne, massage my hands and feet, colour my nails, and we will talk about things that don’t matter much.”
And then you’ll beat him within an inch of his life, yes, yes. . . yes?
Coug
*smile* No. That kind of play is very intimate for me and we don’t have that. So no.
Ferns
Agreed, trying to get a date sucks! I wish there were a better, easier way. We live in a society of incredible convenience. Most of our needs are met with little difficulty: food, water, comfort, etc. It feels like relationships (of any kind) are the last frontier. The mountain that is making all the explorers go: “…fuck that, I’m going home!” I would love to conclude this response with some brilliant idea that would revolutionise dating, but “magic” is the best I can come up with.
I could do with some magic!
It’s interesting to me that WHEN I get something interesting in my inbox either a cold call, or a response to my initiating a conversation, I see potential immediately. I feel it. It’s a bit like magic.
Not that it *must* start that way but so far anything that has engaged me for any length of time, or turned into something more, has felt like that. Other exchanges feel more like ‘hard work’ to me, even if the person is perfectly nice.
So yes, I’ll take some magic please.
Ferns
How about avoiding relationships? Sounds like a plan to me.
Yes, that’s my default…
Ferns
Hello Ferns, and thanks for chiming in. My comment on May 4 was directed at Morion, in case that wasn’t clear (I did click the “Reply” button next to Morion’s comment, but after submitting it, my comment appeared after yours which looked a bit confusing at first for me).
I’ve only recently discovered your site, and haven’t read much of it yet, but I’m wondering why you say that avoiding relationships is your default when you’re still looking (i.e. the dating profiles you still have, activated from time to time) or you’re still entertaining introductions by others (such as Braiden below).
For myself, I’ve accumulated enough rejection, hurt, disappointment, etc. over the years to the extent that I have been able to mostly override what I think is a natural urge to seek out personal relationships. I say mostly, because on the odd occasion that I do relapse, all I have to do is recount what I’ve been through. The little voice that says at that time “But maybe it will be different this time!” gets punched in the face a lot. I do sometimes wonder what it will take for other people to reach their limit and say “Enough. No More”.
It isn’t a state of happiness, just of less misery, comparatively speaking.
I do hope that your efforts prove successful, and as always “may the odds be ever in your favour”.
@Archie: Yes it’s a little confusing: your reply did turn up as a reply to Marion, but it was after MY reply to Marion, so that’s where it appeared.
“I’m wondering why you say that avoiding relationships is your default when you’re still looking”
*smile* I was being a little tongue in cheek: I’ve been single for quite a while, so regardless of what I have been doing or not doing, it seems as if I AM avoiding relationships, so I may as well, you know, pretend that was my plan all along…
Ferns
@Archie:
” I do sometimes wonder what it will take for other people to reach their limit and say “Enough. No More”.”
I’m sorry that you’ve had such bad luck. I can understand going ‘enough now’.
I think the ‘Ok I’m done now’ point is so very individual. At its core, everyone assess the return vs the risk and decides if it’s worth it.
I’ve been lucky to have wonderful relationships with amazing people, so even if I’ve experienced heartbreak, rejection, loss, for me it’s a price I’m happy* to pay: it’s 100% worth the joy. I don’t think you can have the joy without the pain: nobody gets off scott free.
*Well, not ‘happy’, but if that’s the price, I’ll pay it
Ferns
A combination of comment indentation and chronological order. Got it. Thank you for explaining that.
Sorry I didn’t pick up on the tongue in cheek, and yes, why not make it as your plan all along. Indeed.
Couldn’t agree more about the limit being very individual. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been left wondering “So why do you persist?” when someone relates their story for the nth time, (Full disclosure; I did that when I read your post above) when I know what the answer is. Joy, or the prospect for it, is a powerful motivator.
I strongly disagree with you about not being able to have the joy without the pain, for rather bad reasons that I won’t go into here.
Brisbane sub interested in writer of Domme Chronicles.
*swoon* LET’S BE TOGETHER FOREVER YOU SEEM AWESOME AND HAVE TOTALLY GRABBED MY ATTENTION WITH YOUR WIT AND CHARM!
Ferns
Brisbane sub who is interested in writer of Domme Chronicles doesn’t know how to respond to the above.
P.S …..but still tries to be charming
*laugh* Well obviously you respond by reading my personal ad and sending me a proper email if you think we’re a good fit…
Ferns
Well obviously you respond by reading my personal ad and sending me a proper email if you think we’re a good fit…
Fit hurrr hurrr
Coug
:P.
Ferns
I went through a bitter, pseudo-philosophised ‘I’ve purged myself of the need for a relationship’ phase a few years ago during which I retreated into overdrinking and misquoting Schopenhauer. I’ve known a few men who’ve gone through that in their early 30s. I think it’s just a phase, you know, like emo or something.
Of course all that went out the window when I met someone. Then she cheated. Then I did a lot of soul searching and realized that despite this awful experience I’d still matured past the point of returning to the self-deceit of my previous ‘sour grapes’ defense tactic.
Now I’m in a relationship with the correct chemistry (yes, there’s a D/s element, which brought me to your wonderful site Ms Ferns…) For the first time in my life (nearly 40) I have a foundation of contentment aka ‘happiness’ (which is a loaded word, is life supposed to be an uninterrupted stream of extreme euphoria?)
It may all end tomorrow. I don’t think it will, but if so then to me it’s all part of the game. It will have been a bloody good chapter in the book!
I’m so glad you got past the bitter blah period, and congratulations on finding your partner. And having ‘a bloody good chapter’ is always worth fighting for.
I find it funny that you see ‘happiness’ as a loaded word. I don’t picture ‘an uninterrupted stream of extreme euphoria’. I imagine a scale with experiences being loaded up on it, and as long as it’s tipping towards the good side most of the time, I’ll call it happiness.
Ferns
Hi Ferns, yes, you know what – just after writing that I looked up what the phrase ‘loaded word’ actually meant & was a bit irritated at myself that I’d actually chosen the wrong phrase, really. What I really wanted to do was address my former stance that ‘happiness’ is just the lessening of unhappiness, (thus attempting to undermine the search for happiness). A pessimistic stance that I used to trot out to throw people off the scent about the fact that I was pretending to not believe in something that I actually really wanted!
I agree with your definition, and may it dwell with us!
*smile* Well it’s lovely that you found your happiness…
Ferns
“I invited him to visit for another service date: He will wash my car, kneel before me, serve me champagne, massage my hands and feet, colour my nails, and we will talk about things that don’t matter much. It will be simple and sweet and uncomplicated. A small reminder of who we are when we are not being buffeted by the world.”
I LOVE this! Especially the “small reminder of who we are” that is so full of awesome. Service submissives from what I have seen get a really bad wrap because a lot of people say they want to offer service but end up wanting play instead. You talked about it in your other post “what’s a service submissive?”
There are some submissives out there who truly get happiness from and desire to please, do a great job, know you made that person’s (not any person) life easier, to know you made them happy and pleased with you in some way and doesn’t expect play from it.
“to feel as if it’s a personal service he is doing for me versus it feeling like ‘random person doing chores’. ”
I GET that!