Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #107 [Audio]

This femdom podcast Q&A includes the following:

• Advice for a new femdom’s play (Tip: This book “How to make your first BDSM scene amazing”) :)
• A happy femdom story!
• How to find a Domme as an older submissive
• How to prepare for pegging
• Should I tell my therapist about kink?
• Can you fall in love with someone you’ve never met?
• On punishments: What if the Domme fucks up?
• My sub periodically ghosts me
• Should I forgive my sub?
• And more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes and Spotify: Subscribe if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

[00:10]

Hello Dear Listeners, and welcome back to my very irregular podcast.

My name is Sharyn Ferns, and I write at my blog, Domme Chronicles, which is W-W-W-dot-domme, D-O-double-M-E, dash Chronicles-dot-com.

We have, of course, a whole bunch of questions that have come to me via my Ask Me page on, uh, my blog, and I have just invited my lovely Twitter folks to add any questions if they want to ask me anything to include in this podcast. So we’ll see what comes out of that.

I normally record this at a time when not a lot of people are awake over there on Twitter land, so I’m not sure how many are going to come in through there.

Let’s get straight to it, shall we?

[01:08]

The first one:

Hi Sharyn!

Exclamation mark.

My husband and I (I’m female) started in the BDSM life less than a year. We aren’t active in the community yet. I’m having trouble creating scenes and having new things as often as I can so we don’t get bored with the same kinks. Do you have any ideas yourself of where and how to get more scene ideas? Any other information for a new femdom? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you.

Hello, new femdom. I do, as it happens, have something very helpful to you, and one would think I made this question up to pimp my book, [laughter] but I did not. I have written a book, it’s called How to Make Your First BDSM Scene Amazing. It is very well reviewed. Um, and I’ve gotten some very good feedback from new female dominants on it. And, in fact, from at least one male dominant as well, since it’s relatively gender-neutral information. So any non-binary folks, it’s applicable to you as well.

Um, you can find it on Amazon. You can search for “Sharyn Ferns” and you’ll find my books, or you can search for “How To Femdom” which should bring up that book also. It’s got a gorgeous little pink cover and a very cute cartoon from the fabulous Submissive Guy Comics on the front.

Um, if you do not want to invest – if my sales pitch isn’t good enough – um, a free thing you can do is, um, find that post on my blog where I did a sort of a very brief summary of what’s in the book to give you some high-level ideas. And I’ve linked you there to a BDSM checklist, which is essentially 200-odd activities – kink activities – that you may or may not want to do. And the idea is that you fill it in, your partner fills it in, and then you, as the dominant, have a look through them and find ones where you are both super keen to try something. Pick the ones that make you feel confident, and awesome, and excited, and hot and… then you start there.

There are many, many BDSM checklists out on the internet. So, if you don’t like mine, you can go and find another one, because there’s a heap out there. Best of luck.

[03:47]

Oooh. This is a long one! Are we ready? Settle in folks. Settle in, grab a drink. I have a drink, by the way. I tend to mention my drinks in my [laughing] podcast. Like some alcoholic lush. It is a little cheapy quaffing champagne today because my champagne boy – [softly] yes, I have a champagne boy – has, um, not organi– he’s left me with a gap here of good champagne. So I don’t know what’s going on with him. Going to have to have a little word, I think…

Right. We ready?

Hi Ms Fern!!!!

And there are four exclamation marks.

Hello!

A little bit about me. I am a lifetime submissive. I have always sought out women I thought would enjoy a fantastic D/s relationship with me. I did it for 20 years and never really made the connection… until I met Ms Jenn in the gym. We made eye contact and would flirt with each other the first few times. She would be training clients and I would walk up and do my awesome pull-ups [laughing] in front of her.

Ooh, pull-ups are awesome. Slow, controlled pull-ups. If somebody is– if some dude – I wanted to say somebody, but it’s… it’s actually true, if anybody is doing them at the gym, I’m going to manoeuvre myself so I can watch that shit, ’cause it is glor-i-ous.

She would reciprocate with this beautiful smile which would captivate me. She got my number from the front girls at the health club. Later that night I received a text from a number I wasn’t familiar with. It was one of her dumb jokes. I sat stunned for a minute but then she said, “It’s me Jenn from the gym.” I was sooo happy!

Um… okay. [laughter] Well, alright, I’m– I’m going to continue. It gets a little bit porny here, I need some porn music in a minute.

We instantly hit it off and before long I star– [pause] I steered…

Bit of a typo there.

I steered the conversation slightly towards kink, just to gauge her reaction, and she was down for sure. She listened to my likes and dislikes and had none for her herself as I was her first. She seemed very excited.

Later that night [laughter, followed by Ferns’ singing porn music “duh-dun-duhhhh da-da-duh-duhhh”] we were having sex (great sex, as it always is in the beginning) and she said something I had dreamed of hearing from my partner for a long, long time. Probably dreamt of it since my teens. She said, very bluntly I may add…

[laughter] The typos. [accusatory tone] Are you one-handed typing here? I’m a bit suspicious. It says, “Like my arse.” But I know he meant, “Lick my arse.” [laughter]

She said…

Look, I’m spoiling the whole porn vibe here, aren’t I?

She said, very bluntly I may add, “Lick my arse and make me cum!”

I was in shock, I felt like I died and went to heaven. I think I birthed a femdom monster and I couldn’t be happier. This doesn’t happen to me ever. Anyway, to make a long story short, we have been together for ten plus years now and the sex and boundary pushing have made us a very open, experienced couple.

This is a happy femdom story. Thank you very much.

Our relationship is normal at times and WILD…

Capital W-I-L-D!

…at times, we like to save the crazy sessions for once a month because I’m quite spent after serving Ms. Jenn. Our imagination makes our sessions over the top. I’m always aware it’s her doing what she is doing to me, but at times she likes to imagine me bound and helpless, as I usually am, blindfolded and gagged. Then she sets up her scenario. Whatever she is feeling. She verbalizes her fantasy as it’s happening and I can see it in my brain. Rather hard to explain, but it makes our sessions INTENSE!!!

All caps. Exclamation, exclamation, ex-cla-mation.

We’ve been married over 10 years now and made it work. There’s always a portion of D/s in all aspects of our lives, except my work. She’s never made me wear my cage to work – I work in law enforcement. Although, the threat is always there if I screw up.

I feel like we are lucky, we have a huge following on Fetlife. Or she does, LOL, I’m just the victim in the pictures. We adore each other, and I want to spend every waking day with her.

I’ve been with and experienced many dominos…

[laughter] Your spelling, my dear.

I’ve been with and experienced many dommes in the past, but there was always something missing. Ms. Jenn has it all and I am blessed, living out a fantasy.

My question…

Oh, here we go…

My question is more of a statement to the thousands of guys trying so hard to find a domme. I say, relax, be you, be observant, be kind and considerate, make her feel like she’s the only woman alive to you. Have a job you enjoy, find a hobby you love, and share your passion about it with her.

I want to keep writing because I’ve never really shared like this and there is soooooo much to tell. I turned my wife/my mistress onto your awesome podcast and I hope she writes in.

[slight high pitched exhalation in checked attempt to pronounce yet another type, followed by a sigh] Her Fet– oh my goodness, the spelling! Dear, oh dear, you need your mistress to get onto you about this. [laughter]

Her Fet profile is full of fans who would gladly drag her minions over to your blog and podcast. KEEP UP THE FANTASTIC WORK MS. FERNS!!!!

All in caps! With four exclamation marks. [slight laugh]

You provide a well needed sane service to countless people searching for answers. Have a beautiful weekend in your portion of the world.

Always XOXO
Dog, as my Mistress refers to me

There wasn’t really a question in there at all, but that’s okay. Sharing happy stories is always wonderful. You got lucky, and I’m so, so delighted that you got lucky. And thank you so much for sharing your story with me. And with my podcast listeners.

Um, I think hopeful stories to me – which is why I have two, um, Happy Femdom Stories volumes out there in the world – I think hopeful, happy stories from people who are in femdom relationships are always wonderful to hear, because I think it can be hard – I mean, I don’t think, I know it’s hard – to find a partner who is compatible in all the ways. And to make it work over time. And I think happy stories are always, always something that gives people hope, and I love them so much.

If anyone has a happy femdom story for me, I have a callout on my blog that is always, always open. Because if you have a happy femdom story, I really, really want to share it. And if you are willing to tell me about it, go to my blog and look up happy femdom stories. You’ll find examples and you’ll find my callout.

[invitingly] And please, come and send me yours. I’d love to hear it.

[11:17]

Ohhh, this is not a question either:

Mistress,

This one seeks to communicate with Mistress. If it pleases Mistress.

There’s an email address in there.

Thank you, Mistress

[pause] If you had… [long pause]

I don’t really know what to do with these, because uh, you know… [exasperated noise]

This person has obviously found my blog. Has read something on my blog? Maybe? Possibly? Has not read enough to understand the kind of person that I am, has just gone, “Ooo, mistressy lady type person on the internet, I will send an email!”

It’s a bad intro for many, many reasons. And… I haven’t answered this via email, even though they gave me the email address. I read it, and I skipped over it, and I moved on.

And my advice to anybody, any submissive man who contacts a woman on the internet, is not to do this, because there’s no, there’s no… it’s a generic form letter that someone will scattergun to everybody. And even if it’s not, it sounds like one. There’s nothing of me in there. I have thousands of pages of content out there that they could have commented on, or started a conversation… or tried to make some connection, or found some commonality between us. Any of those normal human interaction things. And they chose not to do that. And the chances of getting a response to an email like this is hugely low.

So I recommend not… doing that.

[13:06]

[laughter]

Reading you is sorta like me watching FOX News.

Oh my god, what a terrible thing to say! [laughing] I’m not even American, and I know what an insulting and terrible thing that is to say.

I like to see what the other side is thinking.

Okay, so you’re not a fan of FOX News, you just want to see what the crazy [laughing] people think. I’m with you now.

I do have a question. At 66 (not fat, full head of hair, considered good looking for my age) I am having a difficult time finding an attractive woman. I am either a creepy old guy or a sweet old grandpa. I am neither. Kinky women even ten years younger seem to have vanished. It looks like I am going to have to settle for vanilla. Any suggestions?

Gosh you, you… [soft laugh] you people in my Ask Mes are just begging for me to pimp my books, aren’t you? I have a book – [laugh] another book – in my How To Femdom series, called, “How to Find a Dominant Woman”. Now this podcast is not all about pimping my books, but the reason I bring it up is because (a) these questions are very, very common, that is, you’re not alone in finding it difficult. So, whether you are sixty-six and people think you are a sweet old grandpa, or whether you are twenty-four and people think you are too young to know what you want, or somewhere in between, it doesn’t matter. It’s hard to find a compatible partner.

And that’s just how it is. The pool is smaller with, um, D/s – it just is – than it is in the vanilla world where you might meet someone you like at the supermarket. That’s very unlikely to happen if you actually want BDSM. So… the pool is just small. Um… I started with a one there [ed. technically, it was an “(a)”]… and I can’t… [laughing] I can’t remember what it was. I’ve had half a glass of champagne. This is what I’m like in real life people, make no mistake. I’ll start a sentence, I’ll start a conversation, and halfway through I’ll forget what I was saying.

Um… anyway. [quiet laughter] Anyway. Oh yes, I was saying it’s not just about me pimping my books, though my books are awesome and useful and you should go get it. So, if you want some in depth advice, go and have a look at my how to books on Amazon, and you will find, um, How to Find a Dominant Woman and it’s got lots and lots of very detailed, actionable, useful information for you.

But, podcast-wise… you may have to settle for vanilla. I’m not going to pretend that might not be the case. And… I think, I think that’s not some sort of death sentence. I mean, having love in a vanilla relationship is a lovely thing.

The suggestions I have for you are… dependent on what you’ve already tried. I do not know, have no idea what you’ve already tried. So you could go onto vanilla dating sites and signal your submission. You could go onto, um, BDSM dating sites and see if you can find someone there. You can go out to your local community, make some friends. They might know people, who know people, who know other people, i.e. networking.

Um, and I think they’re probably the three most promising options. But I think a big part is figure out exactly what you want.

So recently I’ve been dating in the vanilla world, because I think I can get a large percentage of what I want from a vanilla man who is a pleaser. Because they have a lot of characteristics and behaviours that speak to me as a dominant woman. It’s not my preference, but I still think I could get something out of it if I found a man who had all the normal vanilla qualities that are awesome and that, that fire me up.

So, yeah. Figure out what you want and then figure out how much of that you might be able to get in the vanilla world. But the other options still stand.

Good luck with it.

[17:30]

An unpressing enquiry from your number-one vanilla fan, kink-envious tofu-lover and miffed [laughing] choko-virgin. [laughter]

See, I vaguely remember talking about chokos at some point. They’re horrible, by the way. So I’m not sure where this has come from.

If you were designing an ice cream flavour called “kink,” how would feel about about a chocolate ice cream dipped in chili flakes and a big red cherry on top? Probably stick it in a waffle cone. I mean to eat. Would it work for you?

Cheers from Boring Bri, proudest of tofu lovers.

[laughter]

I would want– I’m happy with chocolate ice cream dipped in chili flakes, yes. I think chili-chocolate ice cream is big yum. Not, not keen on the cherry. I would be tempted, actually, to go for vanilla ice cream… with chili flakes, and then dipped in real chocolate, you know. That thing? Mmmm, mmm, mmm.

I would actually have– see now, now I’m thinking about this for two seconds – I would have a range of kink flavors. [four lip smacking noises] You know. ‘Cause some are sweet, some are hot, some are scary, some are… just for fun. So, yeah, I think you need a whole range. That’s my advice.

But if you made that ice cream for me, I would totally have it, thank you very much.

[19:02]

The next one is a link to a YouTube video. Dare I click it? Shall I click it? [with slight trepidation] I’m going to click it.

I’m scared. [laughter] I’m scarrrred.

[pleasantly surprised tone] Oh. Okay. [music from video plays faintly in background]

It’s actually a video I’ve seen before. And it is lovely. It’s a– someone did a Sydney habourside walk, a really long one, and then made a video of it and… did it in fast motion. And it’s five and a half minutes long, and it is super lovely and I will link it, because… I don’t know why somebody sent it to me, but I agree it is a great video and it is beautiful. Thank you.

[19:56]

Hey Ferns,

Sorry if you’ve covered this already but if you’re pegging someone, what would your expectations around their anal presentation be?

Ooh. That’s a good question, actually.

Bar having a good suds round the area [laugh] maybe even some light cologne…

[more laughter] And then he’s got a tongue-sticky-out emoji.

Would you expect someone to have an enema? Or fast before? Or if looking at places off the edge of the map are you content to say, “Thar be dragons”? [laughter]

All the best, Gary

[laughter]

Well, Gary, let me tell you a little secret. [in breathy whisper] Let me tell you a little secret. You have to come closer. [soft laugh]

[back to normal voice] Of– and I am not a pegging expert by any means, but I’ve been around long enough to hear pegging horror stories– and let me tell you this: The most horror stories have come from people who have heard that they should have an enema, so they have an enema without really knowing how their body responds to enemas…

So they do all that, and then what has happened that has been the worst thing that has happened for most of the people that I know of, who’ve had unpleasant experiences with pegging and poo, is that… shit water, essentially… starts… [Ferns applies her talents to vocalizing shit water efflux noise] Did you hear that noise? [noise repeated, followed by laughter] … starts kind of leaking out, because they didn’t realise that their bodies took time to get rid of all that liquid, and didn’t realise that… they, the actio– the act of pegging would force it out. So, um, from what I have heard – and I have not experienced this myself – doing an enema when you don’t know how your body responds to it is possibly going to result in that mess that you were trying to avoid.

So, there’s that. For me, personally, I… have never required an enema. For me, no – or fasting, or anything particularly special. I do think, um, being hairless is just easier, ’cause if you have a lot of hair around your butthole, then it can just get trapped and pulled, and get in the way. Um, I think cleaning… around, and maybe a finger or two inside, and knowing your body well enough to know if you are or are not having to poo, or if you’ve not been regular lately, or there’s some issue with your bowels that would make it a little more risky, to be able to say, “Oh, not today, I don’t think so.”

But most people who have a healthy gut, it’s going to be pretty clean. And in the past what I have done is always use a condom on toys, so that if there is any mess – and it’s never, like, splurting everywhere mess – it might be, that’s the enema problem, if you do the enemas wrong, the [laughing] splurting everywhere.

Um, if you use a condom on toys and there is any, um, shit in the way of the toy, the worst that will happen is you get a little bit of a smear, or whatever, on the condom. You take the toy out, you take the condom off, it’s inside out. You’re done, right? With the, the messy bit. So I’m not too scared about it, and I don’t, don’t need anyone to do anything hugely complicated. But I think the biggest part there is knowing your own body.

And I think a lot of people who are into pegging, or interested in pegging, have done some kind of anal play before, whether by themselves or with a partner. So you get to know, I think, what your body is like. So, you can feel when it might not be a good idea, and you kind of know when you think you’re pretty clean and if you just [tongue click] wash, stick a few fingers up there to see what’s going on, then I think you’re pretty cool.

“Thar be dragons”. [laughter] That was a great turn of phrase. Thank you for it.

[24:31]

I don’t know what this is. I’m going to read it out anyway, because you, you guys should know and suffer with me the weirdness of what I get. This is a little poem:

And then it’s got a link to something that I’m not going to link to, ’cause I don’t know what’s going on there. So, there you go: You’re welcome, listeners.

[25:06]

I just discovered your website and it cheered me up so much, I wanna give you a hug!

Oh, that’s so lovely! I will take hugs.

I’m a submissive man in my early thirties. I haven’t been in a relationship or had any kind of intimacy for almost ten years. I recently started seeing a therapist for social anxiety disorder. My anxiety is particularly intense on dates and I think part of it may be related to my insecurity about my submissiveness. I’m worried that dommes are rarer than winning lottery tickets and I’ll never find one and it just makes me feel extremely undesirable most of the time. Should I tell my therapist about my kink? Her website says she’s LGBTQ friendly; I know that’s a whole other animal, but would it make it any more likely that she’s “kink friendly” too? Looking forward to reading your book, thank you for all you do.

Warmest regards,
Mr. Stuck

Well Mr. Stuck, I congratulate you on, um, being in therapy for your anxiety. I, I can imagine that it is very difficult on dates, and especially if you’re not feeling so great about who you are. I would one-hundred percent tell her about your kink. And maybe, actually, start with saying, “Look, I want to talk a little bit about BDSM. Are you knowledgeable?” Or, “What’s your experience?” So that you can get a feel.

And if she says, “Look, I don’t have a lot of experience with that, but I’m open to it.” – then go ahead. If she gives you some sort of bad vibe, then maybe you can ask her for a referral. But I, I do think, given what you said, that it is important to bring that into your therapy. Because if you deal with all the other stuff, but you’re not hitting at what you think might be the crux of how you’re feeling, then no matter how much help you get with everything else, I’m not sure you’re going to be able to get the, I guess, validation or the exercises to help you get to that point where you’re okay with it. And I think that’s really important.

As a note, there, um, is a directory of kink-aware professionals on the internet. If you look up “kink-aware professionals” you will find it. I will add it as a link into the transcript for this podcast. And, I mean, you could have a look even to see if she is on it.

I think, I think maybe it is worth looking either to see if there are any in your area, just for your own information. And see if maybe they’re on it, because if they’re on it, then, you know, you can feel confident that you are okay to talk about it. I do think it’s important to talk about it, though. I wish you all the very best of luck.

Also, ooh, aside: You might– if you’re not already on FetLife.com, I suggest you join. Because one of the values of it, I mean it, it has its pluses and minuses, but one of the big values of it is to find a huge community of people who are Just. Like. You. And a lot of them have dealt with this also.

And I run a group that is now a hundred thousand strong, for submissive men and the women who love them. And I… suggest you get on there and just have a read around for people who have the same struggles, or who have come out the other side of those struggles, those who are happy, to see how people have found their relationships, or have found some level of comfort with themselves despite society, you know, pressuring them to say that this is not what a [mock deep voice] real man [/voice] is, or whatever they’re internalized about who they are. So I think there’s huge value in that. And if you want to friend me over there, or follow me, I am Ferns over there, so please feel free to do that.

[29:10]

What do you enjoy about being the one to start a fire?

[laughter]

Oh this is so funny. Um, it sounds like it is weirdly out of context, but despite my terrible memory, I do remember what this is related to. I think in my last podcast I talked about my vanilla ex and how he has been with me throughout our relationship and even after we separated. And one of the things was we went on a little, um, trip away and even though he loves starting fires when you’ve got a fireplace somewhere, he let me start the fire. [slight laugh] Because he knows that I enjoy it also.

Um, what do I like about it? I think, I think it… it is very satisfying to be able to create this roaring, dangerous thing out of nothing. And also, you know, there’s little tricks to it and I’m pretty good at it, I have to say. So, I feel very competent. I feel very competent and then when it starts you feel all pleased with yourself and then, when it really blazes, you kind of are the creator [laughing] of this fire. That sounds a bit ridiculous. [Softly] But it’s still true.

I created this, that’s my baby. [laughter]

[30:36]

I know there’s Google, but I’ve followed your blog…

[laughter] It said “Twatter” [still laughing] There’s a typo, and they’ve written “Twatter” [more laughter] I don’t know. Is twat a thing… for Americans? I know a lot of my audience is American, I know that the British will absolutely understand twat. [More laughing]

Anyway, they’ve followed my blog and Twatter for a while.

…and you seem to be the font of all knowledge.

Oh. I don’t… I think you’re making a bit of a mistake there, but okaaay…

I’ve pretty submissive all my life, do you have any resources for men who now find roles reversed. Severely reversed.

Oh, I’m a bit confused by that. So you’ve been submissive all your life, but now someone wants you to be dominant? Or… you’re with someone who wants you to be dominant? [inhalation] No, I do not. I’m sure there must be resources out there, but that’s not relevant to my interests. [laughter] So, I am not actually aware of any resources for men who want to be dominant. My advice to you would be, “No, no, no! Don’t do that, it’s a bad idea!” We love submissive men and I would be remiss to point you to resources to change that.

Perhaps I’ve misunderstood. But that’s my answer: No, I do not. I’m sorry about that.

“Severely reversed.” I’m so curious, anonymous person. If you would like to get back to my Ask Me page and expand a little more on what’s going on, I would appreciate it. I’m not sure I can help you, I’m going to be perfectly honest here, I’m not sure I can help you still, but I’m just curious now. What’s going on?

[32:45]

Hey have you ever made or ate lamingtons?

JB

I have. For those of you who don’t know what lamingtons are, they are an Australian cake – it’s very strange, actually – my—the answer, for a start, is yes, I have made them. I did home economics at school and one of the things there was cooking, because girls, of course. And we made lamingtons one time. I’ve never made them for leisure, as an adult. And I have eaten them. I would not go out of my way to buy them, the only time I would buy them is if it was some community stall where they’re raising money for something, because if you ever go to a community stall where there is some sort of bake sale-y type thing, there’s always lamingtons. [Laughter] Because they’re a staple.

For those not in the know, a lamaington is a sponge cake that has been cut into cubes. And they’re big cubes, so… I guess, fist sized? ‘Round there? Maybe a bit smaller, I’ve got a pretty big fist now that I’m [laughing] making a fist. A small person’s fist size. And the sponge, it’s just normal vanilla sponge. The sponge gets dipped in a sort of runny chocolate, so you coat it in that runny sort of chocolate. It’s not proper chocolate, like it doesn’t harden or anything. It’s like a flavoured liquidy thing. Cocoa thing. Very dark. And then you dip it into shredded coconut, and that’s a lamington.

And sometimes you get cream in them, and sometimes you get jam in them. Sometimes you get both jam and cream. But traditional lamingtons are just that block of cake [laughter] with chocolate and coconut.

Doesn’t sound that great, but they’re pretty yum.

[34:37]

From Orson

Is it weird to fall in love with someone you never met?

No, I don’t think it’s weird, not in this day and age. Is it me? Have you fallen in love with me? I’m very lovable.

Um. [laughter] I think, um, in this day and age it’s pretty common, actually. And I don’t think it’s that weird. I do think that with social media… we have not yet come to the point where our brains [tongue clicking] can effectively separate out emotions that we feel online from what we might feel in real life.

And by that I mean – and I’ve been saying this for a lot of years, and I don’t think we’ve changed much. I think we will change, I think this will come. But I think we’re still at an age where if you are – have the kind of emotional life that is very cerebral and very emotion driven, then it’s actually, I think, very easy to fall in love online with someone you’ve never met.

And you may have, you know, also phone calls, and video calls, and all that sort of business. But there is still a very big gap between that and actually in-person being in the same space with someone and spending real time with them. And I know people– I don’t want to devalue what people feel, people’s feelings are real, and people who fall in love and who feel things are– regardless of what it is, I mean, we get hurt by things people say online, and that’s real hurt, right? So it’s not such a leap to say that we could fall in love with someone online.

I think the, the difficulty is that we haven’t yet… I don’t want to say evolved, but it seems like evolved, almost. We haven’t yet evolved to the point where we are able to make judgements between our inner emotional lives and our external reality. And what that means is that someone may be all-in with someone online, and when you meet it just doesn’t gel. And that happens a lot. A lot, a lot, a lot. It’s happened to me, it’s happened to friends I know, it’s happened to… almost everybody who’s been in a situation where they felt a connection with someone and then moved it to real life.

I actually think that there are some people who will spend, you know, ten years in online relationships and never meet someone. And if that makes them happy, that’s, you know, that’s cool.

So yes, I think it’s possible. I think if you’re wanting to move that into real life there are some very real emotional risks there… because they’re not the same thing. But weird? No, I don’t think it’s weird.

[37:38]

I am known as Methen. I have been performing self bondage for many years, ten of them as a performing artist and one year as a proud slave for my first and only mistress. Since I had served my former mistress, and regretting that we had to split up for the better of both of our normal jobs and due to her schedules, it has been a long 9 years since I have served. I feel that I am too advanced for the people I meet.

I am asked frequently how am I not owned when people I meet see the sincerity I have for the M/s (Master/slave) realm.

Since I have gotten into some entry-level studio production classes in Rochester, I have made a few of my self bondage videos on YouTube, “Lord Methen” or Rochester Kinbaku.

I would love to make a short movie on how I took depression, snowballed into BDSM, found happiness for the first time as a pet slave, and also point out how tying myself up turned into a performance art at the Rochester Erotic Art Festival for eleven years in March/April 2020. I had not read or seen “50 Shades of Grey.” I hear it gives a bad reputation to the true perspective of M/s.

I…

There’s… no… question… here. [laughter]

I don’t know what your question is. Um… I… Okay. I don’t know, I don’t know what you’re asking of me. Or maybe you just want to tell me that. Okay, well, good for you! You make that short movie! I hope it goes well.

[39:27]

Ooo! And audio-based question. [laughter]

I don’t know how this is going to go. I’m just going to play it and see what happens, see if my microphone will pick it up, right?

I’m going to turn my microphone ’round and see. I hope– uh, yeah, anyway. [laugh]

If it’s really terrible, I can cut it, right?

[as audio recording with some background hissing noise]
Miss Sharyn Ferns, I would like to know if you would ever do an audio collaboration with somebody who… enjoys the… sensuous nature of audio. Let me know if you would.

Did you catch that? [laughter] Oh, how interesting. Well, as it happens… as it just happens, I am… [clears throat] I wrote on my blog recently about… [laughter] …about a boy I just met with whom I have negotiated using him as a stunt cock. [laughter] I have a toy review to do, a toy that requires a cock. And I do not have one. Well, I have several; but I don’t have one that has nerves in it, which is what this toy requires.

And, as part of our negotiation, I asked if he would mind if we recorded it. So, in theory then, the answer is: Yes, I would consider an audio collaboration. On the other side, I don’t know you, whoever you are, mystery audio person. You do have a good voice, though your quality of recording was terrible. [laughter] Look at me, look at me, the expert all of the sudden.

Um… I don’t know that I’d be very good at… collaboration where it wasn’t like this thing that I talked to this submissive, lovely submissive boy, about. Um… maybe it will work, maybe it won’t. You’ll hear it if it does work. But it’s essentially me doing a thing and him reacting, and me recording that, right?

I don’t know that an audio collaboration with someone who wasn’t here with me doing things… would work? It kind of sounds like it would be a bit… uhh… I want to s– I don’t – I do want to say cheesy. I want to say cheesy, because it has to be acted, doesn’t it? In some sense. So I’m not sure that that would work.

But look, if you, mystery voice person, want to tell me what you had in mind, you send me another note and let me know. I’m curious enough, anyway, to hear your idea.

And also, I did like that you did the voice question. That was fun! Thank you.

[42:35]

Alright, a question:

Is in relation to your punishment post…

And I’m not going to read out the whole, um, URL, but it’s a post on my blog about punishment.

…which I really love, but got me to thinking.

I’m going to look up that post and give you the highlights of what it said.

Oh, okay. So I’ve written a few, um… a few posts about punishment. And people… get quite polarized, I think, about punishment. So when I have a submissive, I tend to have a punishment dynamic. Now that might change in future if it wouldn’t work for us, but… the way I deal with transgressions or disobedience is you talk about it, you sort out what the issue is, you come up with a strategy to avoid it happening again. So you do all that and, then, I punish him.

My punishments are not, um, corporal punishments, because corporal punishments require… play and attention, and there’s no way to spin them that isn’t playtime. And I… I’m not speaking for other people, I know other people use them successfully, but it doesn’t work for me. Because when something has gone wrong in our dynamic, I don’t feel like expending that energy on him, and giving him that attention and, you know, smacking his arse. Which, for me, is sexy hot fun.

If– what happens when someone, when my submissive doesn’t do what I want, is there’s a little crack that appears in our D/s dynamic. And, while we do all the talk to sort out what we are going to do about that and agree how we are going to deal with it, a punishment is a concrete consequence of that transgression. And the reason I use punishments is because they are a concrete consequence. They reinforce the dynamic, so when that little crack appears, we feel as if something is a little bit, not — broken is too strong a word, but a little bit damaged in the dynamic. He didn’t do what I asked. I feel bad about that, and he feels bad about that. So punishment is a chance to say, “Look, we’re going to exercise our dynamic in this particular way to repair that little crack.”

And… punishments, the third one, is that punishments act as a penance. So, when I have a submissive, because I choose a particular type of man, if he doesn’t live up to my expectations, he feels bad. And even after we’ve discussed it and we’ve arranged, um, for a strategy to make sure it doesn’t happen again, and we’ve all — we’ve agreed that we’re good, he will tick-tick-tick in his head about that badness, about that failure, forever. And I’ve found that having an actual punishment as a penance gives us a very firm way to close off that whole affair.

So my punishments, generally I try to make them fit the transgression. And the one I, I talk about because it’s so easy to explain is, um, one time when my submissive did not put the toilet seat down and I made him go in there and put the toilet seat up and back down fifty times while counting out loud, loud enough for me to hear him the living room. So he just went into the toilet, he had to kneel by the toilet, he had to lift it up and put it down fifty times.

And then we’re done, like really done. So then we’ve done all that little fixing and then we get cuddles and everything is alright again and we are fine. So that’s what that post is about, and I will link it in my transcript (https://www.domme-chronicles.com/2010/08/punishment). But let’s move on with this question:

What if the domme – for example, you, Ferns…

[sharp intake of breath at the very idea, followed by laughter]

…is the one to make a mistake, to do something that violates the trust or agreement in the relationship?

Is there anything comparable the sub can do in that case, in order to get the relationship back on an even keel?

Or does he just have to swallow up the bad feelings, possible feelings of betrayal or whatever they may be, and try to push them out of his mind because, well, he’s the sub?

How could a sub go about getting things back on keel in that kind of situation?

P.S. [laughter] I can’t believe I got the sum wrong. I answered that 2 – 1 = 3.

[more laughter]

I have a little, um, a little sum on my Ask Me page to stop spammers. [laugh]

D’oh! Thanks for not wiping out the entire post as a, well, a punishment. [slight laugh]

No, there’s, look, there’s nothing comparable that the sub can do in that case.

If I do something wrong, I will own it, and I will apologise, and I will do whatever I have to do to fix it… but there’s no, there’s no comparable action for the dynamic that we do to make– to do those things. Like there’s no penance, there’s no, um, closure, and, honestly… if I’m beating myself up about something – which I will – I just have to deal with it. So… no. There’s no comparable activities to do, I guess, from from the sub’s side.

I think– but that’s very different from sucking it up, or push them out of the mind. You have to deal with it, so you deal with it first. And if you haven’t dealt with it, then you deal with it some more. So there should be no… concept of sucking it up, or pushing it down, or feeling angry about it going forward. You have to sort it all out.

But there’s no such thing as a punishment for a dominant in my relationships, no.

I mean, some people might do it, which is why I said for me, but I don’t think it’s common.

[48:56]

I have been reading your posts… about Collarspace and your asking if there are any other free site that has live bodies on it [slight laugh] and is for real. I am waiting for approval on Collarspace, and if it takes more than three weeks (ten days now). I will let you know. I wonder if alt.com paid the Collarspace domain owners for the privilege of taking over the site and, if so, how much. Thank you for your service to the community.

I have a, um, post from last year on my blog. I think it was May last year, actually, where I sounded the alarm bells on Collarspace because they were doing some things that were signaling the end of it. And they have been on the downhill slide for quite a few years now. And their practice has been just to cut off functionality without warning anybody or telling anybody. And my take is that at some point you’re just going to go to that site and it’ll be gone.

The reason I put that warning up was because there were some things happening that seemed to be escalating that issue. And those things have been fluctuating from “super, really, really bad” to “oh, it’s not so bad now.” So that site is definitely on the way out, and it has been bought by Alt.com. And there was a period there where you couldn’t even sign in as a new – sign up as a new person. The signup page actually redirected you to alt.com. They’ve since… stopped doing that. So I don’t know why they’re doing it the way they’re doing it, you’d think they’d just send an email to all of their, all of their members and say, “Look, we’re going to shut it down in six months. Move over to alt.com, or get lost.” But they’re not doing that, what they’re doing is essentially making the site unusable because they have no staff, they’re not spending any money on it, they’ve implemented little things that make everyone’s experience worse.

I have not yet found a site, with bodies on it, [laugh] that is comparable and that works. I know quite a few people are attempting to set up… um, alternative sites. But none of them actually are working in a way that I can, that I feel I can in good faith recommend them. And the issue with those sites is that even if they’re really good, it takes however long it takes to get a customer base, or a member base where it makes joining worthwhile. So of course everybody has to join to get to that point. But, of the sites that are out there now, they all have some pretty serious flaws — and no people. Probably because [laughing slightly] they have some pretty serious flaws.

So, yeah, I’m still waiting to see a BDSM dating site that actually works.

If you have one that actually works, and seriously, I mean seriously, it has people on it – I think because I’m in Australia my… judgement of “having people on it” is kind of the outlier, because there has to be probably a hundred thousand people on it before there are any Australians. Um, but if you know of a site that… is actually functioning and has a decent number of members on it already, or is doing a lot of publicity and marketing to get those numbers, then please let me know.

But it has to work. Some of these sites that are being set up… Just. Don’t. Work. Very well.

And that’s an issue.

I think some people are setting them up very quickly, to get people on board. And haven’t quite thought out the functionality.

[52:32]

Next one:

I’m not really a dom, but have kinda developed a relation with a friend in which we play the Dom/sub roles. I really like it. He goes through cycles where he ghosts me. I want to know how a real dom would deal with this.

[laughter]

I’m – I’m assuming you’re online. I have to assume that.

So, how would a real dom (assuming that’s me) deal with this? I’d go, “Nup, see ya!” [laugh]

It’s disrespectful, and I’m not putting up with it. It’s not okay. So, yeah. That’s the answer.

So, you don’t – you don’t say a lot about this. But let me put it another way, because I’m, I’m… I guess the queen of “I’m not putting up with that shit.” But, if you are getting something valuable out of this, the other option is just to… completely reset your expectations and say, “Okay, well, if he turns up at some stage, we have some fun. I’m not going to give him another second’s thought.”

But the fact that you have asked this question of me means that you are not able to do that right now. The fact that you’ve asked this question means that it bothers you, and that is completely understandable.

So you really have to weigh out whether what you’re getting out of it is worth this disrespectful behaviour. And it is disrespectful.

I will add this: If you haven’t said to him, “This is disrespectful behaviour and I’m not putting up with it,” I suggest you do that.

So give him a chance to improve. But if he goes, [in dumb voice] “I don’t see why it’s a big deal,” then he’s quite happy treating you as someone whom he presumably contacts when he gets horny. You’re a booty call. A D/s booty call. [laughter] And that’s okay, if a booty call is what you want. But if it’s a booty call one way only, for example if you’re horny and want to play and he doesn’t respond to your messages, but when he’s horny and wants to play, you respond to his messages, that is not a two-way booty call. That is a one-way booty call.

So, yeah. From a real dom, to a new dom: Dump That Mother Fucker Already (Post-recording note: ‘DTMFA’ is an acronym popularised by Dan Savage, I normally just write ‘DTMFA’. Sounds a lot worse when I say the entire thing out loud :P).

[54:51]

Oh my goodness, I don’t know what is going on. This is the same person that’s… did the last little thing that was weird. And I’m going to read it to you, because if I got it, you’re getting it!

More than you know,
from head2toe,
bodyNsoul I love you.
Follow me to Seventh-Heaven!!
Why??? Im a NDE!!
I’d loooooove to be your servant
for eternity’s lengthNbreadth to
RITE zillionzNzillionza novelties.
Cya Upstairs, miss gorgeous…

I don’t… I don’t know what’s going on. Help me! [laughter]

[55:34]

The next Ask Me is completely blank. [laugh]

[55:39]

Awww!

I think you are great. Smiley face.

Love, tiptease.

[laugh] Tiptease is a regular commenter on my blog, and thank you so much for that. That is lovely.

[55:51]

Oh, this is a Collarspace comment.

My Collarspace profile as been unusable since November 2018. Four times it has been ‘approved’ but I’m unable to send messages. When I try, it sends me to my profile which I’ve edited down to ‘hello.’

The last fake approval was in May and it’s still not really approved. I tried to create a second profile and I get a “profile has been posted” message, but my profile is not found in a search, and if I look at my personal details they are all blank.

So, new profile does not save details and a ten-year-old profile will not be approved for over eleven months after making a change.

So, yeah. If you, good people, are on Collarspace and you have some promising people you are talking to, or you’ve made some friends, or you’ve got some potentials, get their offsite [singsong voice] de-tails.

And, um… when you send a message on there? Check your sent box, because what you type in is not what is getting sent. And it doesn’t like, um, email addresses, for one. So you have to make it a bit tricky. So when you send a message, check in your sent box as to what was actually sent. Tedious. And a shame.

[57:10]

Hello,

I just got my first sub, online sub. Everything was going smoothly, but I noticed some weird things, like avoiding questions or the way he responded.

I recently sent him a shopping list from Amazon and requested a screenshot of the things he picked, only two. He felt uncomfortable since his personal information was involved. I made sure to clarify I didn’t want to see his personal information, calmed him down, and asked again properly at around 11PM. He didn’t respond, ghosted me for more than twenty-four hours, and when he responded said that he’d had a busy day, had to drive all day.

Since it’s my first sub should I cut ties with him? Or forgive him?

Ooof. There’s a few things going on there.

Firstly, did you agree with him that he was going to buy you things? Is that a negotiated, agreed part of your contract?

Second thing, is it true that if he buys something from your Amazon wishlist, you get his details? I’m not… I don’t know if that’s true or not. But my question to you is, is that true? Because if that’s true, and I assume you’ve not shared your personal details mutually – well, obviously you haven’t – I think it’s fair of him to say, “I don’t want to share my personal details with you, I’m not comfortable with that. And if I buy you something off Amazon, they show you that.”

I’m not sure if that’s true. I’m pretty sure I’ve looked at this at one stage, or asked about it, but I can’t remember the answer. Because I don’t use that service. So I don’t know if it’s true or not.

[ETA: It’s my understanding that if you mark your purchase as a gift and then edit the gift note to remove your name, the recipient will not get any of your details]

So. You ask if you should cut ties with him. My overall suggestion is negotiate with him very clearly what is in and out of scope. Because if buying things from your wishlist was not in scope, you asking for that may not have been something that he was expecting. And what happens is if you ask people who have not agreed to buy you things to buy you things, they go, “Hold on. Does she only like me because I’m going to – she thinks I’m going to buy her things?”

And it freaks them out, makes them feel bad. So. Negotiate exactly what your relationship is. If he agrees to certain things, then he has to feel safe, and he has a right to feel safe. So if Amazon wishlists don’t make him feel safe, then that’s not a thing, right?

Maybe gift cards. I don’t know, some sort of gift card would be a more anonymous thing if he wants to buy you something. So probably a bit of research into whether you are compromising his personal details by asking for something like this is worthwhile.

Second thing is… you said he ghosted you for more than twenty-four hours. And I assume from that you are in contact all the time that this is so unusual. ‘Cause twenty-four hours is not a long time. So, as well as negotiating the scope of your agreement and the boundaries, this part is– fits well into that. So negotiate what you expect in terms of, um, communication. So then there’s no question about whether each of you are meeting your parts of the agreed relationship.

So if he says, if I’m going — If you agree, not ‘if he says’. If you two agree that if he’s going to be out of touch for more than twelve hours, or whatever, I don’t know what you want to agree, but whatever you agree, if he’s going to be out of touch for more than twelve hours, he must message you before that, or at some stage, to say, “Look, I’m driving, I’m doing whatever, I’m not going to be contactable for this long.”

So what seems clear to me is that you haven’t done any of that, or done enough of that. So that’s where you start.

I think it’s not a question of should I cut ties with him, or forgive him. It’s, “What went wrong here, and how do we fix it.” So, I suspect what went wrong was you didn’t negotiate properly the boundaries of your agreement, and you need to do that. And then see where you are.

I hope it goes well for you. Both.

[1:01:47]

My girlfriend…

Oooh, look, it’s over an hour now. Look at us go. You still with me, you still awake? [laughter]

My girlfriend was joking around popping a belt at me and said she would put a collar on me. I instantly got upset, but I didn’t react, mostly because I got angry…

Whaa… I would call being angry and upset a reaction. Okay.

…which I don’t commonly do. Also because our time is limited together and I wanted to use our time wisely, without conflict. I would never wear a collar and though I am not in the BDSM lifestyle at this time, I do work toward educating myself. I have a dominant personality and would like to tap into it more. Any remark about me submitting quickly flips my switch, upsets me. Am I being overly sensitive to the joke?

My intent is either 1) let it go because I didn’t speak on it immediately, and address it immediately if it ever happens again or 2) Bring it up and let her know any remark related to me submitting annoys me.

Such an interesting question… to land on my blog. Why are you on my blog asking me this question? That’s the part I don’t understand.

Um…

I don’t, I don’t know why… I do think you’re overreacting, even if you’re completely vanilla. I mean, people joke around all the time about, “Ooh, I’m going to give you a spanking, hurr, hurr, hurr” you know. It’s a joke.

I guess it’s [sceptically] possible she was feeling you out for interest, and I guess she got a very clear, um, response. I’m not sure that you hid that you were upset and angry particularly well, because people react instinctively to things, and I imagine she would have seen that.

So, here’s my thing: I do think you’re overreacting to what is ostensibly a joke. So you have some issues around the idea of being submissive, and that’s cool, you know, if you’ve got those issues. That’s… your issues, and whatever. But I don’t think if she did it once bringing it up as a big deal is necessary or productive. I think if she brings it up continually or, you know, thinks it’s funny over and over and you don’t think it’s funny, then absolutely yes, say something. Just say that it upsets you when she makes those jokes and can she please stop.

I find it, I do find it very interesting… that you came looking for somewhere to ask this question. Because it seems to me this is just normal relationship stuff. You know, your partner makes a joke that… you don’t like, and you tell them to cut it out. It’s not complicated. So you– I think you have some issues [in Gollum-like whisper] issues around the idea of being submissive and she pressed a button. And you might want to explore that. I mean maybe you just want to bury it deep and not think about it again [laughter] which is perfectly fine. But I think you have some unresolved shit going on there that you might want to have a look at.

[1:05:05]

And now we’ve reached the end, dear listener.

Thank you for sticking with me. So we’re at just over an hour this time.

If you want to ask me a question to include in my podcast you can can go to my blog, where there is an Ask Me page. It is completely anonymous, I will not know who you are. You can say sweet things to me also, I like that.

I hope you have a good day and thank you for listening.

Bye for now.

[outro music]