Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #109 [Audio]

This femdom podcast Q&A tackles the following questions:

• Is this particular fantasy possible?
• New sub still wearing chastity device from his previous Domme. Halp!
• My wedding gift to my wife was a CB2000 as a joke (hint: not a joke)
• Am I a foot fetishist or a submissive?
• Do you have any post-orgasm torture ideas?
• How do you feel about honorifics from submissives you don’t own?
• Questions from an Arabic Muslim sub with an American Christian Domme
• Is ‘breaking subs’ a thing? What about shaping, training, or manipulating ?
• And much more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes and Spotify: Subscribe if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

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Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

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Full transcript after the jump…

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[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

[00:10]

Hello Dear Listener, and welcome to the Domme Chronicles podcast.

My name is Sharyn Ferns, and I blog over at domme-chronicles.com, which is W-W-W-dot-D-O-double-M-E-dash-chronicles-dot-com, where you will find waaaay too much information about me, and [questioning tone] maybe some nudes [/tone] and links to my femdom books. So if you want to have a look, you go over there and have a look. Love to have you.

I’m doing another reader Q&A, which I’m aiming for about an hours, but last time it went long. Lots of people asking questions and me, you know, not staying on top of it, as one does. Or doesn’t, as the case may be.

So let’s get started.

Now the first one, I normally don’t read these before I… read them for the podcast, because I want to be as surprised as you are [laughter] by what’s coming into my inbox. But I did give the first one a quick preview, and it is over a thousand words long. So, I’m going to tell you right now that I’m not going to read the whole thing. I’m going to give you the highlights so you get the point of the question. And we’ll go from there.

[Sigh, followed by laugh]

Hello, listeners. [slight laugh]

[all business] Alright, let’s go, no mucking about here. [/tone]

[01:49]

Wish to know what a female who is sensualistic-inclined…

Sensualtisic is so a word.

…thinks of the following male’s fantasy. He wishes to change a traditional role in at least one sensual activity. Instead of initiating the “typical” – in quotes – sensual conversation, romantic petting, being treated with special affection, and seduced into physical gratification [slight laugh] of one’s senses, the male is the receiver of such activities.

[laughter] I feel a bit like I’m narrating a nature program, you know what I mean. [Mock deep Attenborough voice] “The male of the species…”[/voice]. Anyway, continuing.

In progression of this fantasy, she trash talks him into allowing her to slowly and romantically remove, periodically, various items of his clothing. Also tells him what she’s going to do to him, wants to accomplish, and how he is to perform.

During the conversation, female proceeds to undress the male [laughter] slowly, periodically, and slightly aggressively remove various items of his clothing. Upon gaining his nudity, the female instantly begins to search, fondle, serious massage, being playful. Makes periodic body-to-body contacts, yearning to possess him with her hands, hugs, and kisses. Eventually ties and restricts various areas of his body in a B&D type of activity – that’s a ‘Bondage and Discipline’ type of activity. She proceeds towards whatever she desires or wishes to do with the male. Any limits would be within the realm of a prearranged agreement.

Would such activity with a male sub be of any interest to a sensualistic-inclined female.

[with slight laugh] Now, the email could have ended there, but it did not. It goes on… quite a bit into specifics. And it’s from Phil.

Dear Phil,

[laughter]

I… I do appreciate your very sincere inquiry. And, here’s the thing: What you’re looking for is… very common and not hard to find. And, certainly, if you just want to experience that, you could easily find that by paying a professional dominant to play out that specific scenario for you in whatever way that you really want it to go. So, that’s my first comment. Because… the rest of the thousand words gets more specific, not less specific.

And the more specific you are with what your fantasy is and what you want, the more I lean towards finding a professional service provider who is skilled in creating those fantasies for you, and you can get exactly what you want. Of course, you do have to pay for that.

Having said that… if you aren’t, you know, married to that very specific scenario that you’ve described, what you’re talking about is a very, very common kind of, um, female-domination, male-submission type scenario. Like there’s nothing unusual about it, there’s nothing, you know, shocking about it. So, if you’re in a relationship, or you are exploring a relationship, or you are talking to some potential relationship person, what you’ve described is not at all out of the realm of absolute possibility.

But, my advice to you is: If that’s what you’re after, that’s fine. But if that’s all you’re after, this one specific fantasy, I strongly urge you to go and pay a reputable professional to create that gorgeous, fabulous fantasy for you and… maybe that’s enough to scratch that particular itch. Maybe you’ll want something else after that, I don’t know, but that’s my advice to you.

So, what you want is not at all unusual. It’s not hard to find if you end up in a relationship with someone. But if that’s very specifically what you want, then I ss… I really suggest you go and find a professional to fulfill that fantasy for you. I wish you luck with it.

[06:45]

Oh. [laughter]

The next one is from J.

Heya, Ferns.

Heya, J! How ya doing?

Thank you so much for getting back to my question on your podcast – really appreciate your feedback. I was the one asking for advice re: falling for your sub when he’s one of those full-on-extreme subs with no want or desire for love or romance. Literally lives for feeling the wrath of a dominating woman and happily spends the rest of his days [laughing slightly] watering his plants alone and most definitely [laughing more] not communicating with me or responding to texts 10 hours later, etc. Eyeroll.

And there’s a little editorial note saying:
Err what’s with these nonchalant subs?

I haven’t told him – in brackets – (taken on your advice) because what you responded with resonated with me a lot.

And, look, I’m going to be very honest with you here. Not just you, J, but my audience in general. I cannot quite recall what the exact question was, and what advice I gave. But, if you want to go back to my last podcast, you can find it and you will know.

I mean, I could go back also, but I’m in the middle of doing a podcast! So, I’m busy.

Umm… J says, as well:

I’m quite new to femdom, so I got confused by the intense attraction I have for my guy. Socialisation is to blame, I’m sure. I should just be satisfied with playtime followed up with aftercare,kissing on the couch, etc. because he has said from day one that ‘subs are, slash, should be separate to lovers’ (I think by lovers he means vanilla relationships). And, in all seriousness, I’m content with that.

I just wanted to thank you for guiding me and my obsessive thoughts to this realisation. I feel quite relieved as starting out in femdom can be fairly confusing whilst tearing down all the social norms. Especially with such an experienced sub who, in turn, I find intimidating.
Love you enormously,

J

I’m so glad it helped. And, honestly, I said I wasn’t going to go back and look, but I have to go back and look just to give… you, my listeners, a brief recap of her issue and the advice I gave. So I’m going to do that. Hold on one sec, you won’t even notice I’m gone!

Okay, I’m back. Did you miss me?

You missed me, didn’t you? [laughter]

Um, I don’t think J signed her email last time, but there was one in there about a submissive who was very uncommunicative between playtimes, and I think that was her issue – that she kept asking for more communication and he kept not doing that.

So. That’s that, then. Of course I said talk about it, of course I did! You know I did. And I spruiked my book. [laughter] Because you know I did that too.

And, umm, just to be clear, I have a book called (just to spruik it again) called How to Handle Disobedience, which is a book for new dominants who are just struggling a little bit with asking their submissive to do something and then finding that their submissive doesn’t do it because, reasons. And that can be hard to handle when you’re new and you’re not sure what’s going on. So I’ve written a book for new dominants specifically to deal with that problem.

So it’s on my blog if you want to go find it, have a look at it, get it for your friend, get it for yourself. Just, you know, buy it for fun. [laughter]

[10:40]

The next question:

Hi there Ferns,

First off just wanna say this podcast is a godsend, so a big thank you to you, legend!

Thank you so much! [tongue click]

I’m new to domming and have been in a D/s relationship for about a month now. My sub has been in chastity for four months. His previous domme’s visa expired, so she’s had to go back to the States. What she ordered him to do before she left, however, is for him to serve multiple goddesses. Now, I’m only a newbie to all of this, but is that not [laughing] a bit batshit crazy considering he’s in chastity? When we met, I was under the impression I was to be keyholder, and I was. Then previous domme’s bestie, who is also a domme, comes into the mix – she had been away on business apparently and my sub assumed, because she hadn’t replied to his messages, she wasn’t interested anymore and left it at that. Now I’m to be co-keyholder? I definitely chucked a wobbly…

This sounds very Australian. It’s from Carmen. Are you Australian, Carmen? Chucking a wobbly is very Australian. [laughter]

I definitely chucked a wobbly, said I wasn’t into the idea.

And for those who are not Australian, or maybe even British, “chucked a wobbly” means… they were not happy.

Does Previous Domme purposely want to sabotage?

My sub’s gone out and bought a new lock with two sets of keys. He wants one to belong to me still, but I told him his new domme can just take my key for the current lock.

Ahhh, what to do here, Ferns? I am pissy ’cause I’m extremely fussy and actually like him. Sad face.

P.S. As if navigating D/s as a newbie isn’t energy consuming enough as is, now I needa navigate non-monog for the first time, too?

Lotsa love,
Carmen

[deep inhalation] Carmen! I would have totally chucked a wobbly as well! [laughter]

Mind you… as, as soon as some submissive said, “I’m still in chastity to my previous dominant,” I would have been O-U-T, out.

Because that’s not someone who has moved on from their previous dominant. That is someone who is still tied to their previous dominant. They were there first, this submissive still, in air quotes, “belongs to them” and you are then the add-on. And that’s not okay.

The whole thing with the bestie is just the next chapter in that kind of thing.

So… I know you like him, and I suspect you’ve probably resolved this. Um, because I’m very slow with these podcasts, but, honestly, [deep voice] dump him.

There’s two choices there. [laughter] I immediately go to dump him because I have no patience with this bullshit, but…

Obviously the more mature and considered response would be: Talk to him about what he wants. Tell him that you’re not into this scenario, that… he has to make a choice whether he’s still tied to his previous dominant and, apparently, her friends? Hmm. Or if he’s moving on to be with someone else.

So, then you get to discuss what you offer in your relationship which, from the sounds of it, would be a monogamous, um, D/s relationship versus where he is now, which is tied to his previous domme and whoever his previous domme’s proxies are.

So, yeah. If you’re monogamous, it’s not a situation that’s going to work. So… no. Just no.

I hope you sorted it out, and [less than hopeful] maaaaaybe [/tone] you’re doing some happy ever after thing there? [tongue click] Fingers crossed for you.

[15:01]

And, for my champagne report:

I always ge— have a glass of champagne during my podcasts, and I give a champagne report. [laughter] To let you know what I’m drinking.

I’m not drinking gorgeous champagne from my champagne boy. Unfortunately, that arrangement has ended. Which is very, very sad for me. So I am drinking, [in a very pained voice] cheap quaffing champagne. Sad face! [/voice] [laughter]

It’s still fine, though. And, cheers.

Cheers to you, listening to my podcast.

[15:38]

Alright, next question:

When I asked my wife to marry me, I gave her a CB-2000 as a gag gift and promised her I would wear it whenever she wanted me to.
Well, [laugh] seventeen years later, and three devices, she kept me locked the past 15 years all the time except for occasional releases in a stainless steel — ah — except for the occasional releases (orgasms, I guess) in a stainless steel device. Special occasions are my birthday, her birthday, our anniversary, and Christmas.

She tends to just ignore and forget my poor, locked, little penis, no verbal teasing or physical. Every few weeks she will have me orally please her and I love and crave it.

In the beginning [windows chime] she addicted my penis to her teasing [slight pause] it with anything soft, angora.

I assume you mean an– like, angora… wool? Is that a fur?

[tongue click] Oh, it is. [laugh]

Now every time she or any other woman wears anything angora, my penis immediately tries to erect and causes me pain. It wants to be teased by her and feel some Angora. But she only does it once a year now. I want it so badly, how can I convince her to allow me more.

I am fascinated by this. Angora is sooo very… specific. I’m literally going to look up angora now. Bear with me.

[inhalation of mild surprise] How fascinating. Angora wool refers… angora hair or angora fibre refers to the downy coat produced by the Angora rabbit. They are, by the way, not killed for this. Um, while the names of the source animals are similar, angora fibre is distinct from mohair which comes from the Angora goat.

[breathy heh]

Angora fibre is also distinct from cashmere, which comes from the Cashmere goat. [laughter] Look at you learning things on my podcast! I did not know that. I… I have to ask. Like, are you so… attuned to these fibres that you can tell the difference between, say, angora or cashmere? Or something else super soft, gorgeous wool? [intake of breath] Fascinating.

Um. You know what I’m going to say, though? You can’t convince her to allow you more. You can ask her, tell her that you really love it, and you can ask her if she would allow you to have that pleasure more than once a year and see how that goes.

That is, though— on the whole, it sounds like you have a kind of dynamic that works very well for both of you. Like, you don’t sound unhappy about it, she’s full on with it, you sound pretty pleased with it, and pleased with her, and pleased with the way the relationship is working, so congratulations on that.

If this is the only thing that is stopping you being a hundred percent happy, then maybe talk to her about it. And tell her that. But, if she says no, she says no. And I guess [tongue click] that’s your lot in life. [laughter]

Unless it’s a deal-breaker, which I absolutely do not get the impression it is.

[19:10]

Hi.

I just listened to your podcast for the very first time and was really impressed.

Ah, thank you!

I am mainly a foot fetishist and been like that since I was a kid. The question is: I get sometimes confused whether I am a sub or just someone who loves worshiping feet and feeling really fulfilled under a woman’s feet. I particularly like being humiliated by dominant women standing over me and toying with my willy — yes, he used the word willy — [laughing] until I come.

Look, man, who doesn’t enjoy a woman playing with their dick until they come. I mean, that’s enjoyable for everyone, right? [laughter] Every dick-owning person I think, pretty much, would enjoy that. Um, I– I would say from that very tiny snippet that you are a fetishist, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Submission is specifically about wanting to submit to the will of a woman. And, I suspect for you, if a woman’s will wasn’t about feet, or standing over you, or any of that business, you would not be happy with that because it’s not submission you want, it’s… foot stuff. [laughter]

So, yeah, I would — if you are looking for a partner I would use the description of, um, kinkster or fetishist and then talk about… what your fetishes are, but also make sure not to make her feel like you’re looking for someone just to do your fetish to you. Because that’s not fulfilling for any woman, unless you’re going to pay her money for that privilege. So… um, if you’re looking for a relationship, look for someone who loves foot— feet stuff, and there are plenty of women who like that, but don’t make it all about that, because that is a big, big turn off.

[21:02]

Do you have any tips on how to do post-orgasm torture on a sub?

I mean… they’ve had an orgasm, you just — [laughter]

This makes me laugh, because I’m going to give the dumbest answer ever. But it’s still true!

You can just do anything. Do anything. And, after orgasm, and they’re not turned on anymore, and they’re a bit tired and just want a little nap, [laughing] it’s all torture. So, if you want to do pain play, or impact play, or you want to stroke their cock, or you want to do some CBT, or you want to, you know, it doesn’t really matter. It’s all torture after that. Maybe you just smack them around a little bit [laughter] and prevent them from having their little nap.

Depends— and, I mean, I say that, and I’m only half kidding. I think it’s pretty much true, but of course you have to know them, right? So, if you get to know them you will learn what would be the most tortuous for them. I think for a lot of them, continuing to play with their cock after they’ve come is pretty much torture for anyone, post orgasm, because it— it no longer feels good. [softly] It feels like torture. Which I guess is the point.

[22:25]

Are soft punishments like tickling effective?

This raises questions. [whisper] This raises questions. [/whisper]

What do you mean by punishment? And what’s your goal there? Effective for what?

I’m gonna, I don’t know… [laughter]

There’s a difference between a punishment that is… trying to correct behavior that you don’t like, and a punishment that is just for fun. Which we tend, we “in the biz”, tend to call funishment, with an F, because it’s fun, but it kind of can be played as a punishment.

Um, and effective for what? Uh, it’s a very unclear question.

My tip is this: If you like tickling, and they like tickling, do it because it’s fun and awesome. Get in it! Get on it! Do it! Um, yeah.

If you’re looking to get something else out of it, I do not know the answer to that question specifically, because the truth is it depends on a lot of things. But, generally, play things are not… effective punishments. And I know that some people feel differently about it but, that’s how I feel about it.

[23:55]

Is it possible to stay in long-term bondage for extended periods of time? Are there any dommes who do this?

Well, I’m a bit wishy-washy today, because I want to say, “It depends.”

So, how long is long term? And what sort of bondage are you talking about?

So, the first thing to say is, if you’re talking about traditional bondage with just people tying you up and doing all the stuff people think of as bondage, “normal bondage”, I used air quotes for that, it’s not safe to do it for extended periods of time, no. Because a lot of it is too tight, it’s going to cut off circulation, it’s dangerous… so you can’t stay in that type of bondage for any extended period of time.

Um, there are types of bondage that you can stay in for longer if you’re under supervision and it’s safe. And, yes, there are dominants who do this. Uhm, someone who comes to mind immediately is, um, Troy Orleans, who is an amazing dominant who works out of New York, New York City, and her speciality is bondage. And I’m pretty sure she would be able to arrange some kind of extendeded bondage session for somebody and do it safely and well.

I think, um, for… your average, you know, dominant who plays with different kinds of bondage, I think there are some very light bondage scenarios that can work for, say, overnight or something like that. But, the safety police are quite right, in that they’re going to scream their heads off about it.

But I’ve done things like, um, used a simple cuff. ‘Cause a cuff is not going to tighten overnight, right? And, um, used a cuff to tie my submissive to the bed. And, if he wants to, he can get out, it’s not inescapable. Um, it’s not full bondage, it’s not something that if there’s some sort of emergency he can’t get out of, but he won’t get out of it unless there is an emergency. And I think that’s perfectly safe, as long as you’re not leaving them alone and they’re thrashing in their sleep and end up choking themselves somehow.

So, yeah, I think there’s ways to do it. But I think if you want a full on, um, serious bondage session, you do have to go to someone who is very, very experienced at achieving that. As opposed to asking someone who’s played a bit— with a bit of rope a few times, to do that for you.

So, of all the, the… um, kinks that have ended up causing death or serious, um, issues, a lot of them are bondage related, because people underestimated how dangerous it was. And a lot of it is just bad choices with a lot of different types of ties, and the person being left unsupervised, and they choked to death, or they get strangled, or, you know, just bad stuff can happen. So be careful with it.

[27:12]

After reading your pattern-sounding, end-of-year note it finally struck me: Do you have Aspergers?

I… wouldn’t think so? I mean I’ve never been diagnosed with it, and it has never occurred to me that I would… have it? Or be on the spectrum in any way. I think I just like words and I like patterns. [laughter]

So, I’m going to go with, “No.”

[27:45]

I just have a question: I am a submissive. I do have… a dominant in mind. How do I get him to I guess commit to me and to start something more than we have?

Um…

Oh! People are asking very vague questions with no context!

So, “start something more than we have” assumes that there’s a play relationship of some kind there? Or a friendship? Or, I don’t know what you’ve got already?

But the only way to, to approach this is to say, “Hey, I am interested in you and I would like more than we have.” [very slight laugh] And then you talk about it. You can’t “get him to commit to you.” All you can do is lay your cards on the table and… see what he thinks.

I wish you luck with it.

[28:41]

Dear Sharyn,

[laughter]

I always feel, feel a bit weird when people call me by that name because I’m so used to hearing Ferns. I mean, Sharyn Ferns is my author name on my books, but I don’t really use it elsewhere, so it always sounds a bit odd.

I just listened to podcast number 108.

That was my previous one, for anybody wondering. This is number 109.

It was a GREAT — ooh, all capitals! — podcast. I could listen to your voice 24/7.

[laughter] Thank you very much for the compliment.

Here’s the part that I need to comment on. In the podcast you make it all sound so easy for men to have a relationship with a dominant woman, even going to the extent of the men that have these relationships take them for granted. I truly do not understand. Perhaps it’s different in Australia, but here in New York … moving along… I would appreciate you not using my name

[puzzled tone] Um… okay.

… I follow you on Twitter, etc., etc., and we have exchanged chat, but I could not ask this question on there. How does it all work? Thank you in advance, dear Sharyn.

Always,

And then the name I’m not allowed to say.

I don’t know how I have made it sound so easy for anyone to have, or find, a D/s relationship. It’s not easy; I mean, I have been single for [exaggerated tone] A MILLION YEARS! [/tone]

So, I’m under no illusion that it’s easy. So I think you have maybe misconstrued what I have said? You’ve got an impression that I haven’t actually stated anywhere, ever.

So I don’t think it’s easy. I do think, though, that for those who get into a relationship, what they discover – especially if it’s their first one – is… that… what they image it would be is not how it ends up being. And I get questions from those people a lot.

Because they thought it would be all play, all the time, and they were so excited when they got into the relationship, and it all started all amazing, hot, and heavy. The same as vanilla relationships. But then it settled into something different. And it must. Relationships evolve as you go past the ‘new relationship energy’ stage and settle into something more, and something different, and something where you are building more of a life together. And it doesn’t stay at the same level all the time.

And I think for some of those people – and I hear it more from submissive men, I guess, because they’re the ones who contact me – they start to go, “Yeah, but I wanted to do this thing,” and, “Yeah, but I wanted to do this other thing” and, “How do I make her do blah?” And I think some of them do take things for granted. And I guess maybe that’s what you’re hearing from me? A little bit of frustration that they kind of thought that this dominant woman they got into a relationship with was going to be their fantasy domme, and she’s not.

She’s a real woman with her own desires, and her own feelings about what’s going on and what she wants. So, I do not think at all that it’s easy to find those relationships, and I don’t think it’s easy to have those relationships. I think they have all the challenges of vanilla relationships and more because the pool is so small to find partners, and because there are no pervasive models of what these relationships look like, so I think there’s— there can be quite a bit of an adjustment when people learn what the relationship actually looks like, for real.

[32:42]

Next one:

How can I find an online domme that teaches me how to be the perfect sub?

[softly] I dunno.

[laughter]

Look, man! [more laughter]

[sigh] Look, most— most women who do online domination want [slight sing-song] some money for it. Because for most of them, it is not… an enjoyable… pastime in and of itself. The only, the only people I think who find it fun just for the hell of it are women who are very new and who are not yet willing or able to step out into the real word. I mean, that was me when I was young, when I was a baby domme.

I did online stuff because I was finding my feet and I was exploring, and online was the safest, easiest way to do that. I suspect — and I don’t know — that you might find some of those on Discord. I have no experience with Discord, but I see, um, advertisements all the time for, um, female-dominant, male-submissive Discord servers. And a lot of them seem to be kinda role-play type environments. And I imagine out of that that online-only people find each other.

But — and as I said I’ve got no experience with this — I also imagine [slight laugh] that some of them are just… there to suck submissives in and there will be a bunch of women there who ask for money. So, I am not sure really how that works, or what the split might be there. But, if you look for Discord servers for femdom, and there might be some who specifically say “No findoms”, and have a play around there and see what you can find.

[34:52]

Greetings Ferns!

I am a recent lurker of your content.

Well, welcome! Welcome to my content, dear lurker. Though you’re not a lurker anymore.

Um…

Your thoughts are often riveting!

Oh, thank you!

My question is: How do you feel about people you don’t know— Oh no! —How do you feel about people you don’t own addressing you as Ma’am and Mistress? Do you have online protocols you reserve only for yours?

From The Botanist.

I… nnngha [indecisive noise]

There should be an easy answer to this but, first of all, I can say: I don’t like mistress. I mean, I don’t like it in my personal relationships, I don’t like it from strangers. So I don’t use that one at all. For Ma’am, I’m very aware that for many it’s not just a kink honorific, trying to– which is meant to denote respect– but also in the vanilla world… I was going to say cultures, but it’s really a lot of areas, geographical areas, it’s, um, in common usage as a measure of respect.

So, if some random person calls me Ma’am or mistress once, and I’m never going to hear from them again, I just let it ride, right? I don’t care. If it’s someone I’m talking to a little bit, I will ask them to call me Ferns because I prefer that. Um, if they are— they become closer to me, and… I feel comfortable with them and want to acknowledge their submissive nature, even if they’re not my submissive, they’re just friends, I allow Ma’am. And I know quite a few submissives feel quite comfortable, or more comfortable, with that than using my name.

So, it’s a case-by-case basis.

For my submissive, it’s different, because, um, I will decide what I want to be called, and that’s what he must call me. So that’s a very different thing. And in the past I’ve used Ma’am for that. That might change at some point, I don’t know. Depends what our relationship is, but I do like Ma’am. And I kind of like that you can get away with it in public, because you can kin– say it and people might think you’re being a little bit ironic… [softly, pleased] but you aren’t. And I kind of like that.

[37:29]

This slave also thinks it is an important question directly related to that topic is how does the domme that is trying to embrace and get in touch with the experience learn to do that. My Mistress reports that she enjoys being my mistress and we strive to find ways for her to go deep inside herself and connect. We would really appreciate any comments. I hope you don’t mind I posted the same in comments to last post.

I’m not sure where that was, I don’t remember seeing it on my blog on a post. And I’m not sure I can give any advice for someone who’s struggling to find her feet, because I’m not sure what she’s trying to achieve. Umm…

Or what, or what she has tried, or what her interactions are like, or what she feels like she’s struggling with, so if your mistress would like to actually ask a specific question, please encourage her to do so, and I will try and help her with that.

[38:33]

Dear Ferns,

First, my apologies for any poor writing as English is not my first language.

You know what’s funny always to me? That people with English as their second language write absolutely clear, fabulous [laughter] comments and emails. And often they apologise for their, um, poor English. And it’s astounding because, honestly, it’s often a lot better than native English speakers, I’m telling you that for free. Anyway.

I’m an Arab submissive guy living in Dubai. I recently found your podcast on Spotify and it was a great and precious discovery for me. Your website is blocked here in the UAE, [laughter] (porn, dirty porn, that’s why) that’s why I never read it before and I had to use a proxy to log in and write this message to you. Basically, I am now literally breaking the law to text you, the adventures of me, right?

[laughter] Absolutely right! Thank you for breaking the law to talk to me, I appreciate that risk you’re taking.

Now, I am submissive to this lovely American woman for over three years now (you will find below why I mentioned my background and her nationality), collared for over two years. We used to stay together and now she is working elsewhere, but we meet on a regular basis and I’m planning to move back with her soon.

I will leave my kinky/BDSM questions for later messages (I’m planning to make it a habit to break the law to write you). [laughter] But for the moment, my question is about living sort of a double life. You see, living in an FLR relationship in such a country is a big challenge, but we handled it well until she moved, and I think it will be better once I follow her. The issue is that I am always like having these two identities when it comes to my family. It’s an essential part of who I am, and she respects that. It takes a lot of effort from both of us to create this different dynamic between us in front of family. It’s very stressful for me to keep up making lies, but almost everything in our life when I’m around family members or close friends. We met on CollarSpace, but in front of family we came up with totally different narrative and so on.

I’m worried that at certain point this double life might affect my relationship with my domme or my family. Any insight on that please?

Thank you so much for being the amazing and insightful person you are.

By the way, my relation with my domme, despite the challenges it faced, can be part of your [warm tone, nearly a laugh] Happy Femdom Stories you mentioned in your podcast, so please let me know if you are interested in such thing.

I’ll probably post couple of questions in an another email.

Wish you always the best,

Yours,
Maher

Oh, Maher! I would [rapidly] love, love, love your happy femdom story. Please, please, please, please break the law and, um, post it! So I can share it with people. I would love to have your happy femdom story, especially because it’s between cultures, and I know that there can be quite a bit of conflict there, and I would love to hear your story. And to share your story.

I… am going to say this first: everybody does what you’re doing. Well, not everybody. Most people do what you are doing, where they have their, um, D/s relationship between them, as a private matter, and, in front of family, they pretend it doesn’t exist.

I can well imagine that the situation with you is much exacerbated because, um, your family expects not just equality but for, perhaps, your partner to defer to you and for her to be… a good Arabic wife, I guess. Or a good Arabic partner. Which is very different from a good Western, American, or Australian partner, where there’s a lot more leeway in behaviours and relationships. And, if the woman’s a bit bossy, and… whatever, and her partner is very solicitous and caters to her, nobody is going to take offence to that or think there’s anything wrong with it.

But I imagine that that is not the case with your family, that they have quite firm expectation on gender roles and how men and women should behave. So, while, um, others probably also deal with that, I imagine it is much worse for you.

Do I have any insight?

I really don’t. I mean, saying that everybody deals with this is not helpful. And also the fact that I imagine yours is the n-th degree of this, um, makes it that much more difficult — that even if something minor leaks out, um, in your behaviours towards each other, that it might cause an issue with your family.

I would assume and hope maybe, if you are, um, moving back with her soon, as you said, does that mean to the US? In which case that problem kind of goes away, right? You may have family stay with you, or you may go and visit family, but it’s less, every weekend you have Friday-night dinner with them, or, um, that close relationship that I imagine you have with your family, where your interactions with your partner are much more scrutinised.

But, I’m afraid I do not have any useful insight on that. I can wish you luck, though. And I hope it doesn’t create too much stress in either of your relationships.

[44:43]

Dear Ferns,

[laugh] This is Maher again. As promised, another— another question.

Following up on my previous email, I would like to ask few BDSM questions, hoping you will give me your thoughts.

As mentioned earlier, I am serving my lady for over three years now. I’m her collared sub for over two years. Our FLR relationship is steady, yet always changing, relation in which the level of control she has over me changes based on our situation, more or less, but she’s always in charge. I love and adore her both as a woman and as my owner.

Oh. It’s so lovely!

Um…

One of my fantasies is being degraded and humiliated, sometimes to extreme levels, and my lady is open to the idea, partially to fulfill my fantasy, and also she finds some aspect of that appealing. The problem is I am not able to go through with that. It feels to me that I will lose her respect and, most importantly, my own self-respect if I go this way.

Before meeting her, I tried that with pros and it was awesome. But I am not able to put myself in this situation with somebody I love and want to spend my life with. I just think if she insulted me then that means I will become worthless to her.

Am I contradicting myself? Is that justified fear? Does it even make sense that I love something and my partner is open to it, and still it’s me who doesn’t want to go with it?

Another question sort of related, if you don’t mind?

No, I do not mind. You are most welcome.

I’m interested to know your thoughts on some politically incorrect, taboo degradation concepts? Two of them in particular: racial play and religious play.

These thoughts also are on one hand intriguing and appealing to me, given that I’m Arab Muslim and my lady is American Christian. But on the other hand it feels so wrong even in play set with a person I trust the most. I feel if I unleashed this monster, I might lose the amazing dynamic I already have and cherish.

What do you think, please?

I can’t thank you enough, ma’am, for your advices, which are usually what I believe in. It’s just great that you are so willing to offer your help to those in need.

Yours sincerely,
Maher

I love these questions and I love that you are self-aware enough to be able to articulate exactly what’s going on with you. I think that’s very, very important – that level of self knowledge.

I don’t think your fears are unfounded, because feelings are complicated. And… I think that relationship dynamics and relationships have— they fluctuate. And I think it’s perfectly valid to want something and feel scared of doing it with someone you love, but be perfectly okay doing it with someone you don’t really care about.

And one of the, one of the things that turns up over and over again – and actually it’s more, um, in the maledom/femsub relationships – is that, um, male doms often get to a point with their female submissives where, if they fall in love, they can no longer be sadistic towards them. Which is something that maybe they’ve even enjoyed up until that point. And maybe it’s been really harsh and, and really, you know, full on. But when these men fall in love with these women, they can no longer ‘hurt the one they love’.

And that comes up over and over in discussions, and they just cannot get over it. And I, I think a lot of that is social conditioning. And, to me, it speaks of their, um, SM coming from a pretty bad place [slight semi-laugh], to be perfectly honest: that they feel okay to hit people that they don’t like, or don’t care about… means that they see it as an act of violence, as opposed to an act of love or mutual pleasure. So I think that has a whole mess of “ick” in there, but I can understand where it comes from. And I absolutely understand that you have types of play that you think will diminish you in your partner’s eyes and… not just in your partner’s eyes, but in your own eyes.

And with all of those types of play, whether it’s degradation and humiliation, or race play, or religious play, I, I think that you are having the same kinds of feelings about that, and I think that they are perfectly valid. My suggestion to you, which you might want to try, if you’re both interested in exploring this, is to just start really mildly.

You don’t have to go full on into, you know, a whole big scene about it, where you go from zero to a hundred in one step. You can do a very short, very sort of bounded and controlled little play session where she maybe – instead of going to a hundred out of a hundred – goes to a five out of a hundred, just to see how it feels. And then you talk about it. And you see how it feels, she sees how she feels about it; and then, if it all feels good, then maybe try ten out of a hundred. And that way you can slowly get to a point, maybe, where you’re doing a full on play session with that kind of play. Or you might get to a certain point and it may not feel good to you, and that’s okay.

And if it’s something that you really want, then maybe you can negotiate going to a pro, and maybe she can go with you, to get that kind of, um, interaction. If it’s that important to you. If it’s not important to you, then maybe you can just let it go.

But, yeah, I, I suggest that you try and ease into it and see how that goes.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

[51:04]

[laughter]

What are your teddy bears named?

Oh, that’s so cute.

I, I tweeted a picture of my childhood teddy bear that I found in my Dad’s house, who I had since I was tiny— tiny little kid.

And, unimaginatively, his name was Big Ted. And I think I probably got that from Play School, I think there was a Big Ted in Play School. And my sister had a Little Ted, ’cause she had a little baby teddy and I had, like, a big teddy.

[slight laugh] Thank you for your question.

[51:47]

You type fast, don’t you?

[laugh]

Yes. Yes I do.

Thank you for noticing.

[52:00]

Oh.

[laughter]

Dear Ferns,

I hope you don’t mind me asking again before you even to reply to my previous questions. I am the Arabian sub living in Dubai who emailed you yesterday like three times.

[laugh]

I guess being an outlaw and keeping visits forbidden and dangerous places (i.e. your website, since the authorities here deemed it should be banned).

I will not hide the fact that I have been excited since I found your website and podcast. I listened to almost all your Q&As and I really admire your wise and realistic approach to every question. I also salute your fairness in saying what you believe is right without being biased to the domme’s side, being a domme lady yourself. I know this is how things are supposed to be, but surprisingly it is not. Many [slight laugh] Many ladies feel like it’s their mission to be dummy [short, loud laugh] Dummy McDommester in every moment with everybody.

[laughter, followed by an amused “Ahhh”]

Now, after the introduction, which I see now it’s so long (yes, I talk a lot in my every day life as well), I would like to ask you about an issue that bothers me sometimes in my relation with my lovely domme.

I kind of like the way how, um, people who have English as a second language often, instead of saying “relationship”, they say “relation.” And I kind of like it, I’m kind of— I’m kind of here for it.

So, “I have a relation with my domme.” Ahh. “In my relation with my dominant.” I like it.

I’m a collared sub to this wonderful and amazing lady, and we are doing great in many aspects. We are compatible, I guess, love and respect each other, and have a way and sort most of the challenges we face.

She is a sadist among many other things, and I’m not masochist. I have very high pain tolerance, but don’t enjoy the pain. We have an understanding that “beating” can be either as punishment if I fucked up (she is fair and doesn’t abuse this power), or when we are attending a kinky event outside the Middle East.

My problem is the aftercare. After she beats me, she tries to take care of me by some cuddling, or talking or briefing, depending on the circumstances. From my side, after I get beaten hard, I just want to be alone for some time. Not touching her, no talk or emotions, just want to process my mind on my own.

I did communicate that with my lady many times, but she keeps pushing for the aftercare the way she usually does it. If I insist on being alone, I feel she gets very guilty about beating me and maybe insulted or afraid she damaged the dynamic. I usually end up giving up— giving her aftercare and assurance while I’m still processing my thoughts. Seems fucked up, no?

I totally understand where she is coming from, and I don’t enjoy that per se, and that I’m doing it as a punishment or for her own pleasure. I think she believes this is the best way to show me her love and attention afterwards; but, in reality, it’s very stressful for me.

Is there a way you suggest I can tell my lady to leave me alone without me being a jerk or hurting her? Help, please!

I have to so say though, this is not a deal breaker for me by any means. I adore and worship her, and even with this annoying thing [slight laugh], I am happy being with her.

Thank you so much for you patience reading this message and looking forward to hearing back from you.

Maher

My first instinct is to say, Maher, that you– you kind of hint at it, but you don’t say outright, my first instinct is to say that, have you considered that this is aftercare for her. That she is not doing it for your benefit, that she is doing it for her benefit. You seem to think that that may be a possibility? But you don’t seem to have internalized that.

So. Dominants often need aftercare after, um, heavy play. And there’s multiple reasons for this. And one of them may be that they need reassurance that you still love them, that you are okay with what happened, that you’re happy with them for doing it, that you feel good about it, that they are not a bad person, that they haven’t overstepped or really hurt you, all of those things.

So. You seem to think, primarily, that she’s insisting on doing it for you. But it could be that she needs that for herself from you. So, rather than suggesting ways you can tell her to leave you alone, please [laugh], I would suggest that you talk to her again about what she needs after you’ve had that kind of play. Because it seems that it’s unclear about who she’s doing it for. And if she’s doing it because she needs that, maybe you haven’t quite understood that. And if you both need different things in aftercare, then you at least understand each other and have a way to negotiate what you can do going forward to make that work.

For example, if she does need… reassurance, and care, and cuddles afterwards, there’s a possibility that if she’s got friends, they may be able to give her that. So maybe after you have that play, if you– maybe you could have some sort of way of saying to her, “I love you and thank you so much for that, and I care for you so much, and that was perfect,” and then you go off and do whatever you need to do on your own. She gets care and cuddles from her friends and then, later, after you’ve both done that, then you come together and then you do the kissing, cuddling, whatever resetting that you need to do.

That way you both get what you need without interfering with each other’s needs. But, yeah, I suggest you, instead of trying to convince her to leave you alone, you have a chat to her about what she needs in aftercare, and go from there.

[58:44]

[laughter]

I say on my Ask Me form that you can tell me something sweet or you can ask a question. And this one starts with:

I opt for telling you something sweet.

Thank you so much.

You are the most wonderful, awesome, and intelligent domme, you have the most interesting ideas, and have the most intriguing voice.

I know I sound “Trumpy” [laugh] with – double quotes, “Trumpy” – with all the superlative words, but at least I am genuine. Smiley face.

But really, your willingness to take of your time to help others on a constant basis amazes me. I just hope you realise how much you help dommes, subs, slaves and confused people with this blog.

Thank you so much, that is so lovely!

I guess I have to ask you something now, even though I was just planning to praise your beauty and intelligence.

[laugh]

You didn’t have to ask me something but, absolutely, you can.

My question is: Do you believe in the concept of “breaking” the sub’s will by his domme? Shaping him, or training him, or even manipulating him for her benefit? Or any of those concepts? Or do you are believe that the dynamic set is based only on clear negotiations and can only change with another clear negotiation?

Um. I think you have introduced quite a few different concepts, and I think there’s a big grey area there. I don’t believe in the idea of “breaking” a sub’s will; I don’t think that’s a thing. I… when I think of breaking someone, what I imagine is those military, um, situations where someone is so awful and consistently stresses another person out until – like a torture scenario, where, until they will do anything for a tiny bit of kindness. And, once you’ve broken them, where they have no personality left, and they have no free will, and they have no opinions of their own, then you start to drip feed them what you want them to think.

And when people talk about breaking, I think what they mean is, “Oooohh! A hot scenario.” Not actually breaking someone. I also think… because it’s a fantasy term, [in a near whisper] nobody actually does that. [/whisper] [slight laugh] I think people talk about doing that, and people want to do that, and… women who don’t… [indecisive sound in throat]… who want to use the sexy language talk about doing that, you know. [softly] But I don’t think anybody actually does that, for real.

Um. I think shaping, training, manipulating: absolutely. For her benefit. Yes!

But that doesn’t preclude negotiation.

So… negotiation absolutely should happen.

But I have to say, for me, by the time I actually negotiate what is happening, we already are at a certain point. I only negotiate if we’re already at a point where we see this thing happening naturally between us. And the – putting it in quotes – “happening naturally between us” means that there is a natural dynamic already building. And that can be called shaping, or training, or manipulating – or just, “telling him what I want and him doing it.” It’s not negotiation, though. But, I tend to do that, because that’s how I am with everybody. [laughter]

Like, if someone does something that’s annoying to me, I’ll say, “Can you stop doing that, ’cause it’s really annoying.” And if I’m talking to a potential sub, and I say, “Can you stop doing that, because it’s really annoying,” they’re gonna stop doing that, because they know [laughing] it’s annoying.

And if they won’t stop doing that, then… it’s annoying. So I’m going to stop talking to them, right? And that— I’m not sure what you call that. To me, I say, “Here is my preference.” You can either do it or not do it. That’s your choice. But if you don’t do it, then I’m going to lose interest, because… you’re annoying me. [laughter]

And I think that kind of laying what you want on the table, and seeing if someone can step up to it is… I don’t know. Is it manipulation? I don’t know what it is. Is it manipulation if you put it right on the table? Is it training? Is it shaping? I just think it’s saying what you want clearly and upfront and they then choose to do it or not do it. And that is how I speak to potential submissives.

So I don’t know what that is.

But then, at some point, where we’re going to enter into… yes, you know— we agree, yes, this is a thing and this what we’re doing now. Then I negotiate. But by that time, what– the negotiations are really just formalising what we already know in a language that we can, I guess, formally agree on. But mostly it’s just reiterating what already exists.

So, for example, if I’ve spent however long saying, “Can you please do this?” or “Can you not do that?” or “I would like you do this thing” and they step up, and they step up, and they step up, by the time we negotiate obedience, where I say, “Okay, I expect you to be obedient in these areas,” he’s already like, [in tone of a sub bemused that the expectation needs to be stated] “Uh, well… of course!” So it’s a formality. I don’t start there. And I think a lot of people do start there. So, within a few, um, of the first contacts they say, “Alright, we’re going to negotiate what this is going to look like from this point forward.”

So, different strokes, you know? But the breaking thing is, I think, a sexy term that nobody really does. For real.

Alright. We are at… one hour and six minutes. I still have [slight laugh] quite a few left to go. And last time I went way over an hour doing all the Q&As. This time, what I’m going to do, is I’m going to finish it now.

And, I know this is a shocker to those of you who actually listen to my podcast, [surprised inhalation] I might do another podcast in a few weeks! Instead of in a few months. I know, shocker, right? [tongue click]

But, yeah, that’s my plan.

So, [slight laugh] I did ask people on Twitter if they had any last minute questions, and said, “Now’s a good time.” But clearly I lied, for I am not up to those ones yet. Sorry, folks. And I appreciate your questions, and I will answer them, and you have contributed to a more regular podcast for this quarter.

If you would like to ask me a question, there is an Ask Me link on my blog, which is W-W-W-dot-domme-chronicles-dot-com, D-O-double-M-E-dash-chronicles-dot-com. So please go there and… ask me anything.

And I appreciate you listening with me for this hour and ten minutes. And I will talk to you next time.

Bye for now.

[Outro music]