Yes, of course introvert Dommes are a thing!
Also shy Dommes, socially awkward Dommes, anxious Dommes, quiet Dommes, depressed Dommes etc. Wanting a D/s relationship isn’t contingent on being a certain type of person. On either side of the slash.
I am introverted, very.
I think people often use ‘introverted’ when they mean some of the things I mentioned above.
But that’s not what I mean by ‘introverted’.
For me, I’m talking more of a Jungian definition (think ‘MBTI tests’: I know I know, they are so yesterday :P).
That is, for me, people are energy sucks.
I do think there is an assumption that Dommes are, by nature, gregarious types. That they light up every room they walk into, hold everyone in thrall, hold court, radiating some ‘flock to me, minions’ energy, bestowing attention on the lucky ones and etc. And I think that a lot of that is reinforced by not just media representation and social media personas, but by dominant women gloriously strutting their stuff at events and play parties.
Hell, put me in my domliest-hot outfit and killer heels and I will stalk into any room with that same air, I will chat up boys I like the look of, I will be the radiator of what *looks* very much like extrovert, chat-to-everyone type energy, so I contribute to this as much as anyone. Because it’s fun and hot and this is what you do when you go into those spaces.
But I hardly ever do that, it’s not ‘in my nature’ to be like that, and the amount of mental and emotional energy it takes to get me there and that I have to cycle up to stay in it is huge.
I have to cycle up social energy to deal with people, and given the choice, I’d really rather not. I’m socially skilled, personable, good at performing in socially acceptable ways, so nobody can tell that they are sucking the life right out of me, but after I’ve expended that energy on doing it, I have to go hide in my cave and regroup.
It’s *work* to be that person, a lot of work. It can be fun for short stints, but it’s not ‘who I am’.
How does my introversion impact my dominance and relationships?
- Dating is the worst. I HATE it. Which is a problem because I AM looking for a submissive
- ‘Making nice’ doesn’t interest me: Polite chit chat and such is a tedious norm one has to perform in polite society, so okay, I do it, but it makes me want to light my own hair on fire. Entertain and challenge me with something better
- My submissive has to work to get close enough to me that he slides into my inner circle: Those who make it there give me energy and I adore it (and them for giving me that)
- I actually do just fine with extroverts. They can drag me out into the world while being my shield from it. Think ‘warrior-sub steps between his Queen and the energy-sapping vampires’ type of thing :)
- Once I have my boy, it’s ‘him and me against the world’ and I can be pretty fucking intense with it. So few make it into this space that when I find it, I can be laser-focussed on him and the joy I find in him. All the violent, passionate, rawwr energy that he feeds me is thrown back at him tenfold. This works for both of us :).
If you ever think only certain personality types are dominant, you’re making a big big mistake.
And if you, as a Domme, are shy, nervous, anxious, introverted, or have any other personality traits that you fear make you ‘less dominant’ somehow: I’m just going to shout ‘NO!’
You are valid and glorious, and you don’t have to be anyone other than who you are.
. . .
25 comments
This is very much me. People think I’m extrovert because I’m outgoing. I have no problem with public speaking. But once I reach a certain threshold I’m DONE. I need to leave, to retreat, to hibernate and recharge.
I only figure this out about myself in my mid-40s when a traumatic event left me with a very, very short window for interaction with others.
And I’m old, but I think the MBTI is valuable!
Great post.
This is entirely relatable.
We did MBTI tests forever ago at my work, and then had a bunch of sessions to figure out how to improve the workplace based on the findings.
The ‘introvert’ part for me was a fucking revelation. Not just for having a name for ‘how I am’, but for how it forced a recognition that not everyone works in the same ways. ‘How introverts work’ often means that they aren’t considered or heard in a workplace that values the quick and the loud.
Related: My boss genuinely thought that trips to exotic conferences, where the sole purpose was to network and schmooze with potential clients and partners, was some kind of huge reward for me.
My boss: ‘Ooh, look, you get to go to PARIS! :)’ *super happy face at giving me this gift*
Me: ‘No, what you mean is you want me to travel 24 hours to spend 16 hours a day in some posh hotel making endless bullshit sales-related chit-chat with arseholes in suits with no time off. Fuck no!’
So yeah, I have a huge soft spot for the impact that it had on me.
Ferns
I was trying to put a finger on this for myself and this was sooo affirming. [finger snaps]
I, too, am exhausted by chit chat. And trying to date means an endless round of chit chat when what I really want to know is: Are you my people?
I saw a greeting card once that said ‘I want to unleash a volcano of love on you’ and that’s how I feel about my particular brand of domination and how I see my intimacy. An intense volcano of … everything. But in a quiet, introverted way.
As usual, right on. It seems that BDSM people or people who talk about BDSM just have to admit that people are people. And just like Dommes are all different, it seems like the like different flavors of subs. So, subs, it turns out, come (sometimes everything is funny) in all varieties, too.
“That is, for me, people are energy sucks.”
Which is why You have to be so selective in your subs. And, the subs really need to be selective, too.
Regarding the consensus energy about how Dommes *should* be, the subs play a large role probably. And by subs, I mean anybody who claims to *want* a dominant Woman. It’s a lot of topping from the bottom, or topping from fantasy world.
Thanks again, Ms Ferns.
Barry (aka whatever)
@Barry (aka whatever :P): A big issue is that when stereotypes are loud, and there are no other models, it’s hard to get validation that ‘how you are’ is perfectly fine.
And the contributors to the noise around it are pervasive and ubiquitous.
I’m 100% sure that a lot of new dominant women take one peek into femdom spaces and back out slowly going ‘aw hell no!’
Ferns
@DeliaC: I’m so glad it was affirming, and so much YES on the dating thing.
I love that card :)).
Ferns
Fuck yes, I most certainly AM glorious!
*laugh*
And I don’t care if MBTI is ‘so yesterday’ — consider me a retro girl. I’m an INFJ and holy fuck do I find peopling to be exhausting!
So: All the YES to this post. ;)
FUCK YES YOU ARE!! :)
Ferns
I tested as an INFJ.
Looking at various D/s web sites over the years, I have occasionally come across mentions of MBTI. Don’t recall the titles off the top of my head, but I remember a few points that were made.
In one BDSM forum someone commented that there didn’t seem to be a particular correlation between MBTI type and whether an individual is dominant or submissive.
In another web site, a woman said that she is dominant and INFJ. Which might be assumed to be a contradiction, because the obvious assumption would be that a dominant woman would be an extrovert.
Located a web site I had looked at awhile back,Psychologyjunkie.com. Reread an article, “Here’s How Dominant You Are Based On Your Personality Type.”
To summarize, the author indicated that Extroverts are dominant, and Introverts are not.
I think this might apply to large groups. But not necessarily one on one, as in couples. There may be another phenomenon at work at this scale, and not necessarily tied to either MBTI type or gender.
One person (i.e. the writer of that article) having an opinion is not a valid way to assess anything,and my reassuring introverts that hell yes they can be dominant in their relationship is not the same as me somehow claiming that ‘introverts are dominant’ (or not) . I found that article very irritating.
Even without getting into the details, they were not looking at BDSM related D/s, but some kind of social dominance and low-dominance and they aren’t the same thing.
Ferns
Ferns
So good, thank you for this post. I’m very introverted and in previous D/s relationships I guarded that so carefully and felt it was such a liability, but it’s actually my current subby partner calls it my Domme SuperPower because he says it makes me more thoughtful in my approach and it keeps him on his toes. Being more able to be open with him about it has been amazing and he has (rightly!) done a lot to accommodate and embrace it and considers my social energy a lot. It’s always a challenge that the world at large sells us such narrow definitions of things, but a bit of understanding and communication goes such a long way.
I’m so glad you found someone with whom you can be up-front about it :).
I pretty much always put it on the table as something any potential should know about me, and have never considered whether it’s a liability (though on reflection, if someone thinks it is, that’s a good compatibility test for a whole bunch of reasons :)).
But yes, generally held ‘shoulds’ are often a tedious burden to carry.
Ferns
I’m yet another introverted Domme.
Just the other night I went to a slosh and hit my limit on socialising pretty quickly.
I told my friend there that I *could* introduce myself to a cute person that was there, but it was emotional work I didn’t want to bother with because I was feeling lazy.
To be honest, I use my submissive dearheart as a buffer a lot of the time.
I’ll direct him, and then let him do a lot of the heavy lifting with small talk.
Then I only interject when I feel like it.
It makes for a much more pleasant experience!
You went to the slosh and that already takes energy so I completely understand that the further step of making nice with a cute stranger was beyond what you were up for.
And big yes to the ‘buffer’ idea. I love not-introverts for not just being willing to do that, but enjoying it :).
Ferns