I’m struggling a little, let’s be honest here.
I’m still tweeting, still posting on Fetlife, I’m still producing audio porn, I even recorded a new podcast (coming soon, though an early unedited version is up on my Patreon!) but for here, for my blog, my mind is empty.
The first of the above is daily frippery, the second is direct responses to questions, the third is based on content that already exists, and the fourth was a ton of will-do–this-thing-dammit mental energy. And none are comparable to what I do here on the blog.
What I do here is share femdom-related thoughts that are swirling in my brain, and I share the personal femdommery that is going on in my life.
My mind is full, it’s over-thinking, all the time frantically buzzing away, but none of it is relevant. And there is pretty much nothing going on in my personal life because the idea of any kind of dating, or even trying to make connections, is fucking exhausting and impractical.
I’ve been keeping myself busy doing ‘things’. You know what it’s like. I’m sure you do.
Right now, I am baking cauliflower for lunch. I changed my blog theme (which, yes, it looks the same and that is a testament to my mad skillz :P), I go to pilates, I went for a bike ride yesterday, I shop for groceries, I meditate, I help my family out with tech stuff, I cook some food, I helped a friend mock up a website, I binge-watch everything, I eat garbage, I fritter away the hours on little projects that require no real brain-power, I count my blessings.
By all measures, I’m doing just fine.
But yeah, I’m struggling. I know I’m lucky. I am safe, my loved ones are well, but the world is heavy, and I haven’t wanted to bring it here. I resolved way back when to NOT bring it here.
But then what’s left?
If I try and bypass all the heft, there is still this ever-present white-noise in my brain because the weight is ever-present. It drowns out anything that requires me to cohesively organise my thoughts, to do anything with purpose, to make things happen. The smallest things require supreme effort.
We are, I think, many of us, treading water.
I listened to a meditation this morning where the speaker said she writes kindness to herself, a journalling as if she was speaking to someone who was struggling, and she writes to herself from a place of compassion and unconditional love.
“I’m right here. I’ve got you. I love you.”
Not going to lie: It hit home for me.
I have not been very kind to myself.
I’m angry with myself for not doing better, I worry endlessly about everything, real and imagined, I feel constantly guilty because I am supremely privileged and have no real hardship here, I feel self-indulgent for the fuzzy mess of mush that is my mind, tell myself off for everything, all the time, I am frustrated for not being able to kick myself back into gear, and then I feel ashamed about all of that.
I have not been very kind to myself.
I suspect many of you haven’t been so great at that either.
So let me say this, as much a message to myself as one to send outward to you, with love:
Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Be compassionate. Be loving.
You got up this morning: Go you, you’re doing great. There is not a hint of sarcasm in that. I’m serious. You’re. Doing. Great.
Don’t beat yourself up for not being productive, for not ‘getting things done with all this free time’ (write that book!, get fit!, clean the garage!, bake that bread!, learn that language!) or some similar shit. It’s garbage.
You put one foot in front of the other, and that’s enough.
I’d like to invite you, dear ones, to leave some positivity here in the comments from you, to yourself. If you were your own best friend, if you were speaking from unconditional love and compassion, if you said what you needed to hear from someone right now, what would you say? I, for one, would love to hear it.
I’m going to leave you with this because it’s fun and it made me laugh and because I gather up these small pleasures like precious gems.
And in case you missed it, I created a gentle meditation with themes of calm, self-love, self-care, and affirmations. If that sounds like something you might enjoy, go give it a listen.
33 comments
Are you alive? Are you healthy? Perfectly. These are two of the best reasons to be positive.
Yes, and yes :). Thank you.
Ferns
Thank You Ferns for such a lovely blog post. All too often, especially at times like these, it’s easy to focus on the negative and not the positive in our lives.
A note to me…”kindness and consideration to others is so important to our relationships, focus on others and how this can be personally positive and life fulfilling”
That is a wonderful note to yourself. I hope you hear it and it helps.
And you’re so welcome :).
Ferns
You’ve brought a smile to my face more times than I could recount and we’ve never even met.
Be nice to you!
Ahh, that’s so lovely to hear, thank you for telling me.
And I will try. And you be nice to you also <3.
Ferns
A very positive reminder. Helpful during a time when it’s easy to lapse into negativity.
So easy, yes. I’m glad you found it helpful.
Ferns
I’m so glad you finally blogged – I was growing concerned by your silence. As for a positive note to self, how about? ‘It’s helps to fantasise during a challenging time like this. You’re cooking comfort food for Ferns, locked down with her for an indefinite term. Each ingredient is infused with adoring, appreciative love. Every mouthful reminds her how much her words mean to the community she nourishes.’
I was growing concerned by my silence also!
Ahh, that’s a lovely positive ‘note to self’. And thank you :).
Ferns
Every single word of this I felt as if I had written it myself.
The positive side to treading water is that it’s only a deep breath and sigh away from swimming, and these days keeping your head above water is a damn heroic act. One breathe at a time is an acceptable plan…
I’m glad it resonated, even if it’s not all happiness and light.
And yes to the swimming analogy: That’s a wonderful way of looking at it :).
One breath at a time…
Ferns
A deliberate sense of tenderness towards experience has done wonders to keep me going.
Do what you can and the rest will follow. Bit by bit.
Believe in yourself. :)
Ahh, ‘a deliberate sense of tenderness’ is a wonderful way to glean positivity out of the every day. Thank you for sharing that.
Ferns
Hang in there Ferns, people you’ve never met or spoken to, other than by typed words have their lives a little better by your cool touch.
“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”―Haruki Murakami
Coug
Oh yes and drink, lots of drink
Thanks so much Coug.
I hope you’re finding positives over there in your corner of the world.
And always yes to drink :).
Ferns
My part of the world is full of people I’d happily set fire to right now, so no real change :)
Coug
I hear that :(.
One of the reasons it’s so hard to hang on to positivity.
Ferns
Sending bright sunshine from Ohio. You’ve brightened the lives of so many over the years. And I hope you feel the same coming back at you.
Finding hope, clarity, purpose and calm in these times is pretty damn hard. We’re all struggling in some way.
How about we get a new President here for a little change of pace and to cheer you up?
Hugs
An old friend
Thank you for sending the bright sunshine :). I hope you are well and safe.
And yes, that would cheer me up quite a lot, DON’T FAIL ME (and the rest of the world)!
Ferns
It feels a little tough at times to show yourself genuine kindness, I feel I wouldnt recognize the words, but the idea that if you heard a friend or family member treated that way by someone you would be quick to jump to their defense.
I’m not sure on my words but I can convey a gesture instead: wanting to let myself go slack for a bit, just letting go of whatever silly little weight I’m carrying exhaling and letting my shoulders slump , while I close my eyes resting into a gentle hug.
That would be peaceful even for a min.
We tend to treat ourselves too harshly at times a little self kindness can help do wonders.
A warm gentle hug sounds like something we could all do with, and yes, kindness to ourselves can be challenging, but at least if you try you can make some steps towards it, sometimes, on a good day :).
Ferns
Ignore the bums around you. We’re all basically treading water. To protect others from you while standing by them is the most most difficult thing ever. Because it’s really difficult.
But hell, your words mean much. I will address them tomorrow when I’m not blind drunk.
If I achieve this, I will also appear less German.**
** I love the Germans.
Life is not as easy as many would have us believe. Sensitive souls are only too aware of the injustice, the tragedy and inhumanity that occurs on the periphery of our lives. Then there is what Maslow described as “Self-Actualisation”, that allusive state that once you find it, it morphs into something new making it transient and evocative. Yet once you’ve experienced it, you crave it, it’s like a drug for sensitive and intellectual souls.
Sticking with Maslow, despite the flaws in the theory, it also highlights the role of love – ‘to love and be loved”. As we pass the various stages towards “self-actualisation”, we forget that it is our lowest unfulfilled need that troubles us the most, whether we are aware of it or not.
So many of us with BDSM needs, seem to find love just as elusive as self-actualisation. We constantly strive for perfection but find it ethereal, mist-like, unable to be grasped and sustainable.
It does weigh one down, but as you say, we put one foot in front of the other and who knows, one day we may find it all simultaneously, sustainable and fulfilling. It may be that quality that makes us human, never simply making do, striving to be better every day.
I trust this doesn’t appear preachy or self-indulgent.