Reader Q&A: Femdom Podcast #116 [Audio]

This fantastic femdom podcast Q&A includes the following:

• Post-punishment rituals
• Sweetness in my ‘Ask Me‘s! Thank you
• D/s Kissing 101, an impassioned primer
• Money is complicating my relationship: Halp!
• How many ‘great loves’ have you had?
• Can I maintain my masculinity and be submissive? (spoiler: YES!)
• And more!

The Domme Chronicles podcast is available on iTunes and Spotify: Subscribe if you want to be sure to get my audio porn delivered straight to your ear holes.

___

Want to ask me something? Pop on over to my Ask Me page and do it (though if it’s something time-critical, I suggest you ask your question pretty much anywhere else…!). It’s completely anonymous, even to me, so nobody will know it was you…

___

Full transcript after the jump…

___

[intro music] Shut up and sit down [/intro music]

[00:10]

Hello dear listener, and welcome to my podcast. My name is Sharyn Ferns, and I blog over at domme-chronicles.com, that W-W-W-dot-D-O-double-M-E-dash-chronicles-dot-com. I also produce fabulously sexy femdom audio porn over on Patreon. You can find me over there at patreon.com/DommeChronicles – no dash in that one.

This is a irregularly regular podcast. And this one is kind of like a catch up, because I was, um, surprised by the fact that I didn’t get through all the questions that I had last time. So this is going to probably be a shorter one than you’re used to. So buckle up.

[01:23]

On your last podcast, you talked about punishment, and how instead of you doling out dominant energy, it would be the responsibility of the sub to make it up to you. And you said that, after, you may cuddle and maybe do a little ritual to bring the sub back to you. What type of rituals would you do?

I’m interested because my partner and I have a similar dynamic when I fuck up. But I think we are missing a ritual like that. But it definitely seems possible. Just looking for ideas of what it might look like.

Cheers, G.

Um, well, G, for me – and for those who haven’t heard my views on punishment, I do have a punishment dynamic in my D/s relationships, but I don’t do corporal punishment, I don’t do things that look like play. So when G said I don’t dole out dominant energy, my punishments are more introspection for him, um, after we’ve already sorted out the problem.

So the way it works is that if something goes wrong, we have a discussion about it, we figure out what happened, we find ways to fix it, and we put those things, whatever strategies there are, we put those things in place, in order to prevent it happening again. And after it’s sorted, then I punish him.

And mostly, it’s – the reasons for punishment are not to make him feel bad, they’re not to correct behavior, they’re not any of those things. If my submissive has fucked up, he already feels bad. And once we’ve talked about it, we’ve already sorted out the problem. So punishments for me are about a few things.

One is penance. Because the submissive men that I’m interested in, if they fuck something up, they feel fucking bad. And they will feel fucking bad for-EV-AR. [laugh] So a punishment is a way of saying, “Right, we had this thing that happened, it wasn’t great. This is a penance that you do for me to make up for that bad thing you did.” And he gets some comfort from being able to do that.

The second thing is that it’s tangible. There’s a tangible consequence for that… transgression, whatever it was that he did wrong.

The third thing is that it resets that little glitch [with slight laugh] in the matrix, if you like. When something goes wrong, we both kind of feel it in the dynamic; that, if he didn’t do what I asked for whatever reason, It it’s a little crack in the dynamic. It’s not necessarily a big deal, some things are small and almost inconsequential. But there is a little crack that appears in the dynamic when things go wrong. And the punishment is a way to hit the reset button on the dynamic. “Right. We’ve sorted out that something went wrong. This thing now is me asserting my dominance over you and you submitting to me as a little reset.”

And the fourth thing is for closure. I don’t want these things to hang around. We need to close it and finish it. So once we’ve had the discussion, we sorted it, the punishment has a definitive end. So, “Here is a thing you must do. And when you are finished doing that thing it is over. I’m not bringing it up again, we are not revisiting it, we have sorted it out, and it’s done.” So we close it with the end of that punishment. So that’s the reasons I do it.

And the types of things I do that are not corporal punishment are things like, um, I try and make them… relevant to the transgression. So if he didn’t do a thing, like take out the garbage – I don’t know, it’s always an easy example – I will make him take out the garbage 20 times in a row. He can walk it to the curb and walk it back, and then walk it to the curb and then walk back. Do that 20 times. Um… if that’s not practical, then I often have him writing lines. And they can either be wrote lines, “I will obey my dominant owner, I will…” you know, something like that, a certain number of times. Or, if I really want him to think about it, I have him write an essay, you know, however many words. Write an essay about why this is a problem and how you’re going to prevent it happening again. Since we’ve already discussed it. It’s not like he has to make stuff up, he already knows. But it’s a reinforcement of that thing that we’ve already discussed.

So, after all, that blahdy blahdy blah [laugh] on to the question:

Um, for me, the ritual was very simple. And it was basically that he would come to me, and he would kneel. And then you have something that you say, and we didn’t have a formal thing that we would say, but you can make it formal, if that works for you. For example, I could say, “Thank you for doing that” – whatever it was that he did as punishment – “Thank you for doing that for me.” And he might say, “Thank you for allowing me to do that for you.”

Or some kind of exchange that acknowledges the dynamic. And it’s not, “Oh”, you know, it’s not… I just want to – trying to find the words for it – It’s not, “Oh, you [???] did a bad thing!” That’s not the point of the post-punishment, [slight laugh] little, reconnection. The point is to say, “Here we are in this dynamic, and we’re fine.” That’s the point of it.

For me, it’s always kissing. So he might kneel in front of me, and we have a little chat. And I ask him if he’s fine:

“Are you fine?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Ma’am.”

“Are you feeling good about it?”

“Yes, Ma’am. I’m feeling good.”

You know, you did a good job on the punishment. I’m pleased with you. You’re still my good boy. I’m still mad about you. And everything is good with me. So don’t you worry anymore, we let it go. We leave it behind us.

And for me, always the kissing, like there’s always kissing, right?

So you can make that little ritual as formal as you like, you could have wrote things that you say. And you can practice that. And there’s something nice and reassuring about doing it that way. I never did it that way, but I can, like, absolutely see that there’s value in doing that.

But really, what you’re doing is reconnecting on a level that says, “We’re good.” And whatever words you use to do that. And if you have some formal postures you might, like, she might have you kneel in some position that she really enjoys – maybe down on the ground with your palms up on your knees, or whatever. I don’t know what they’re called, there’s all these names for positions. I don’t know any of that stuff! [mock laughter] Ha ha ha, I’ve only been here five minutes. [real laughter] I’m not really into those things.

But you know what I mean, there’s a million slave positions and maybe she likes one of those. Maybe you present yourself naked and open. And she forgives you or something like that, you know? So… it doesn’t matter what, what matters is that you both feel as if you are each acknowledging, “We had this little glitch, we’ve dealt with it, and we’re good now.”

I do recommend the kissing, though. Kissing is always good. When is kissing not good? [laugh] Never, that’s when. Kissing is never not good.

[09:51]

When I read your blog, sometimes I think about Brené Brown and her Power of Vulnerability TED talk.

As a submissive masochist, I do my best to practice what I think of as radical vulnerability with my wife. Although I could admit, I often fail. Is the writing gods ever strike you, I would love to hear your thoughts some day on vulnerability, courage and kink.

Thanks for everything you do,
Oscar.

Awww, you’re welcome, Oscar.

I have already written about this a few times. I am not going to look it up now. But I have actually referenced Brené Brown, in particular, on my blog. So if you look for that, you will find at least one writing about vulnerability. If you look up vulnerability, you will find probably a few more posts. But I think, um… her TED Talk is really powerful. And I I have her book, but I haven’t read it yet.

I am not good at vulnerability, I’ll tell you that up front. I’m bad at it, and I don’t like it. And maybe I don’t like it because I’m bad. But yes, I have written about this before. So the writing gods have already struck me, Oscar. Go find it. [Vulnerability as Courage]

[11:17]

I would like to know what websites that are worth joining to meet someone interested in BDSM, which ones are free, and also the ones that cost money to join.

Thank you,
Andrew

You know what? We are fuuuuck-ed as kinksters looking for dating sites, honestly. For FetLife, there are your local groups. And your local area might have a personals page, so at least then, you know, you’re talking to people who are available and in your local area. There are many small B– BDSM-style, or focused, dating sites, or kinky dating sites, that have cropped up. Because CollarSpace is now a technological void, which I have written about, and I’m still on that site, and it’s not dead yet, believe it or not. But whether you can actually join in as a new member or not, I don’t know. The thing that makes CollarSpace still valuable – and it’s just collarspace.com, if you want to go have a look. But before you go have a look, go to my blog and look up color space in the search bar to find my writing about it, because it is a mess. And it’s been a mess for at least two years now.

And sometimes, the join up button takes you to alt.com, and sometimes it works. But in my blog post, there’s actually a, um, a [in secretive voice] secret link [end voice] that is not on their site that will take you to the join up page on there. Whether they will accept your profile or not is another question. But, the reason I’m going on about CollarSpace it is because it is the only, um, site that has decent numbers. And that makes a difference.

There’s been a lot of sites that have popped up. But man, it’s hard to get the kind of, um, numbers that make a site like that work. So for me being in Australia, like, those sites have got no Australians on them at all. So they’re useless for me. If you’re in America, you will fare better, but the numbers are so low that it’s not worth me recommending them. And I know it’s a cyclical thing, like, I don’t recommend them because they’ve got no numbers. They’ve got no numbers because nobody recommends them. But I can’t in good faith tell you to go there when I know you’re not going to find anything, so I don’t have any.

What I can say is that OkCupid at least used to – I’ve been on there for a while – used to have kink-related questions that you can answer, so that it helps with partner matching in searches, you know. You– they give you a percentage match. And that can be helpful for finding kinky partners.

The other suggestion I have on vanilla sites is that you put something in your profile that kinky people will get the hint, and vanilla people will not. And just put up a picture that doesn’t show your face, if you don’t want to have your kink identity and your face available in public to all and sundry, which is completely understandable. So I don’t have a good answer for you. Sorry about that.

I know that wasn’t very useful, was it, Andrew?

[15:03]

Hi, Ferns.

I’m a little over a year into femdom. Submissive Men and the Women Who Love Them – by the way, that’s the group I own over on FetLife, and let me just say, with more than a little pride, that is, is the biggest female dominant/male submissive discussion forum in the WORLD! Thank you very much. [laugh] Anyway, sorry. Moving on. Um… – Submissive Men and the Women Who Love Them them has been an important part of that for me, as have kink events in my community, and friends or potential partners, I found through Fet.

I’ve been going through an F/m – and F/m being female dominant, male submissive – dry spell the past few months, however. Thanks, COVID. It’s been tough feeling as if I don’t have anyone to share this with on any meaningful or visceral level. Even F/m discussion groups and blogging have sadly left me feeling cold. Then I discovered your podcast. I knew it existed, of course.

Of course you did.

But there’s a difference between knowing and discovering, of listening for the first time. I wanted to tell you it’s been a game changer for me.

That is so lovely! That is so lovely.

They haven’t left a name, but whoever you are, thank you so much.

There is something powerful in extem-por-an-e-ous…

Did you like how I said that?Extemporaneous. [in whisper] Extemporaneous. [in softer whisper still] Extemporaneous.

There’s something powerful in extemporaneous human speech that provides a sense of warmth and companionship that I haven’t been finding elsewhere, especially when so gracefully done.

[laughter]

Oh, hopeless. You heard what I just did. Just then, right? You heard that, right? Thank you, regardless. Thank you.

The isolation is still there. It still hurts. But your podcast has managed to help me feel a bit less alone in recent days.

Heartfelt thanks.

Ohhh, my heart!

Thank you so much, whoever you are. I appreciate that so much. You know, I go through periods – and I’ve said this before – I go through periods where I think I don’t know what the point is, what’s the point. Just friggin’ talking just to the void. [laughter] Talking to myself over here. So I do appreciate the positive feedback, so much. And I’m so glad that it’s helping a little bit.

Hopefully, wherever you are in the world, your area will be able to open up soon, and you’ll be back to actually, you know, interacting with real human beings. What what a – what a concept, right?

And to all of my listeners, wherever you are in the world, I hope you and yours are safe, and well. It’s tough times for everybody. So if you’ve made it through the day, you’re doing pretty good. You should pat yourself on the back and have a drink.

Speaking of which, I have one, because of course I do. I’m very predictable. I’m going to cheers the microphone… with my glass of champagne.

You ready?

I’m going to try and make it not too loud. Cheers.

[clink of champagne glass against mic, not too loud]

There we are.

Ahhhh. [said as a sigh/exhalation]

[19:03]

In every relationship I’ve ever had, my partners have always enjoyed sex more than me. Their orgasms always seemed stronger and longer than mine, and they think nothing of coming twice or more in one session. My orgasms are always weak by comparison. And once I’ve come, my penis is numb for hours. May I ask how many contractions do you have…

[breaking into laughter]

… during a typical orgasm?

I did not see that coming. [laughing] I did not see that coming. You can tell I don’t read these ahead, can’t you? Totally did not see that coming. [a bit more laughter]

May I ask how many contractions do you have during a typical orgasm and are you immediately able to go right ahead and have another? Is it actually normal for women to enjoy sex more than men? And, if so, why is it that it’s usually the men that’s so driven to have sex?

My theory is that, actually, men are pretty [laugh] crap in bed. And women get much more pleasure from masturbation than they can from men. [laugh again] I know I’ve often caught my partners playing with themselves, sometimes just after we’ve had sex, even though I know that they had reached orgasm. I’d be really interested in your thoughts on this.

Best wishes,
Mr. Inadequate.

I – I’m trying to I’m trying to figure out if you kink on this feeling of inadequacy, or if this is actually a genuine question.

I think there is something to be said for, um, women being capable of more, and more – more orgasms and more sustained orgasms than men. I think that’s a function of biology. And I– I should, I apologize for not being trans inclusive there. I should really be saying, vulva-havers, and penis-havers. So I think there is a biology there that means… that people with vulvas have [said in tone to emphasize not always] often the capability, if not actually the experience, of, um, having stronger orgasms, having long longer– longer lasting orgasms, and having multiple orgasms. I don’t think that people with penises tend to have that capability, except for maybe when they’re very young.

I don’t think that that is what makes people good or bad at sex, though. So I think… [slight frustrated sound from throat, while formulating word] correlating those two things is a [questioning tone] strange way to look at it? So what makes you good at sex is not how many orgasms you or your partner have, what makes you good at sex is being able to communicate and, through that communication, have huge amounts of pleasure. That’s what makes good sex.

And if you have an orgasm, if you have no orgasm, if you have 10 orgasms, if you have, you know, doesn’t matter. That’s – that’s a really crap way of measuring the quality [laugh] of the sex you’re having, to be honest. And I think it’s a very limiting way of looking at sex.

So, my advice, first off, is, you know: stop doing that. Because that’s not helping anybody. It’s not helping you enjoy sex is not helping your partner enjoy sex.

Um, I have mostly been a one-and-done with orgasms. Right? I always thought, you know, I know that there’s a lot of chatter everywhere all the time about people with vulvas being able to have a million orgasms, and orgasms that last half an hour, and 600 in a row, and then they squirt everywhere, and it’s great. And I don’t do any of those things.

And, I mean, I read those things and I go, [less than enthusiastically] “Oh, yeah, great for you.” And I don’t think I should do those things. And I think there is a whole culture around how women should have orgasms. But anyway, I’m moving on from that before I go into a rant.

Um, and I also don’t measure the quality of sex I’m having by… how many orgasms I have, because that’s dumb.

Um, soooo… I think the reason that, culturally – I’m gonna go back to men and women here because I suspect trans folks aren’t stuck in these traditional models – [sigh] men go after sex because every casual encounter is likely to end in an orgasm for them. So what that means is, the more sex they get, the more orgasms they get, and there is a very basic thinking around how that works.

The main reason that, um, most women don’t go gunning for sex, you know, every night of the week is because, (a) it’s not safe, and every fucking dude they bring home is a dangerous person that they don’t know – potentially dangerous person that they don’t know. And I won’t know if they’ve judged correctly until after he’s gone. And (b) casual sex is not generally one experience that women have good sex in, and by good sex there, I’m going back to what I said before: sex in which your partner is communicative and interested in your pleasure. For the most part, casual sex doesn’t work that way.

And I’m going to add there another cultural thing, and that is that women get shamed for having a whole bunch of casual sex partners, and men do not.

So this is old as the hills, right? There’s nothing new there. This is old news for everybody concerned.

I don’t think that men in general are crap in bed. Or that women get much more pleasure from masturbation, than they gain from men, which is what your theory was. I don’t think that’s true. I think partners who communicate well and who are interested and engaged with their, um, partner’s pleasure, give pleasure and are more likely to get pleasure. And that’s it. It’s not complicated.

So the whole, that whole industry that has been built around, you know, “Here’s how to get someone off with these special moves,” is bullshit. Like, it’s just rubbish. And there is still, oh my god, what year are we in, 2021, and there’s still fucking people who think, oh, there’s something wrong with her because she didn’t come from me pounding my penis into her vagina for half an hour. So she’s broken, you know, that’s not right. [in dumb voice] I’m really good at sex. [/voice] And it’s the dumbest thing because the majority of women do not get off on that.

And for men, to not know that is a shocker. And even more of a shocker is that many women don’t know that. So they, too, have been told, and believe, there’s something wrong with them if penis in vagina sex is not the zenith of their sexual experience, is not the be all and end all is not the measure by which sex is called good or not good, is not the method by which they’re going to orgasm. So there’s a lot of stuff in there. [laughter]

And there are my thoughts. So yeah. Okay, moving on.

[28:02]

Dear Ferns, you mentioned teasingly at one point that though you’re not much for niche top-skills workshops, you could teach the hell out of a course for D/s kissing.

[laughter]

That sounds very much like the kind of thing that I would say.

We can’t see you and there’s no demo bottom on hand, but might you please give the audio version of said workshop? I’d be keen for any pointers, or simply inspiration.

Warmest regards,
K (a newbie-ish domme)

[laugh]

Kind of love this question. Okay, here’s my thing:

Kissing… can run the gamut from something super soft and sweet and tender, and something very aggressive and violent and overwhelming. And that’s the beauty of it.

My, one of my subs said once that I could, I could kiss like we were in, um, bobby socks behind the bleachers, all sweet and lovely. And then I could kiss like a shark hitting a cage. And [laughing] I think that’s about right.

So, I think when you’re exploring kissing and, oh my goodness, I’m disappointed that kissing – after a certain age, kissing is no longer just for its own sake. It’s not. We leave that behind… once, I guess, we leave adolescence? You know, when you used to just make out because sex wasn’t really on the table? But once sex is on the table, kissing, becomes the gateway to doing something else. And I’m like, will forever be disappointed about that. And for me, that’s not how it works.

So, for D/s kissing, what I mean by that is that there are ways that you can control your sub in the context of kissing. So some examples, [inhalation] things I love. [laugher] Things I love! Is just, firstly, just super soft kissing – and he’s not allowed to escalate it. It’s like the kissing version of tease and denial, right? Just spend the time to taste everything about his mouth. And he’s not allowed to escalate. And you can even say, you’re not allowed to react, just don’t do anything. Just keep still, and let me explore your mouth with my tongue and with my lips. And you can touch his tongue. And even if he brings his tongue out to meet yours, you can tell him to fucking stop it; he’s just got to be still and accept your exploration. And that’s really hard, actually, for him.

So with that, you can just touch everywhere, in his mouth. And you can give little nips if you want to add a little bit of spice, little nips to his lips. But take the time to really taste what he tastes like. Because it’s yummmm. And if you want to escalate to just normal kissing, you can do all sorts of things with that, too. You can make rules, like he’s not allowed to touch you. And you can take control of his head to move it in ways that please you, if you want to tilt his head one way or the other. And I have, I don’t know, instinctually I have this kind of escalation, and it’s like waves; like, when you’re kissing, there is something that hits you just right and brings up this aggression. And I just, if I’m allowed with him, which I am, if I can go with it… It can lead to these moments that are kiss– still kissing, but more than kissing. So if you want to grab him – I’m doing it to myself, just to show you. [laughing] It’s ridiculous. – If you want to grab him under the chin, and not the chin, around the jaw. You bring his hands right up underneath his ears, and you are not pressing on his throat at all, but your hand is there, like, covering his throat, he will feel it. And you can bring him towards you, or push him away from you. And if you get into kissing where you’re both giving as much as each other, and you grab him there and you keep him away from you, he will fight you to get to your mouth.

[in a soft, almost reverent whisper] And oh my god.

It is scorching. He will choke himself on your hand to get to your mouth. And I, if that’s no hot, I don’t know what’s hot.

So there’s that. [laughter]

I also have a big thing for awkward positions when kissing, I like to put him in awkward positions so he’s uncomfortable. But he doesn’t care, right? You know it’s uncomfortable. And he’s uncomfortable, but he will go with it because he gets kissing.

So if you, for example, put his head in the crook of your arm, [voice here muffled as Ferns presumably crooks her arm and moves away from mic] so you’re kissing, you’re kind of – I’m showing you here. [laugh] Can you see it? – So in the – in your the crook of your elbow, there. And you put him there and you bring his head to you. But then you bend forward, and he is forced to bend back. And of course you have to be careful, because you’re dealing with all sorts of neck and whatever. But you make him bend back uncomfortably, and whether he’s seated, or he’s standing, or he’s kneeling, it doesn’t matter. You can bend him into some uncomfortable position and he will be grateful because he gets to kiss you. Because you get to continue with that kissing, only if he goes where you want. Again, super hot. [soft laughter, almost a pant]

And another thing, which is kind of beyond kissing – Oh my god! I could talk about this all day, seriously [laugh] – is aggressive, like, you can get aggressive and, depending how much he can tolerate, right? And I know it’s bad kissing technique, I do not give a shit, I will smash my teeth into his lips. I will smash the fuck out of them. And that is painful. And it’s hot. And it’s aggressive. And it’s [primal growl/moan sound from Ferns] AH-mazing! [laugh]

So you can do that. And the other thing is to bite his tongue if he puts it into your mouth. And there is this thing, I don’t know, maybe I’ve just had submissives who got me. But there’s this thing when you bite his tongue – and that is really painful, it can be really painful – where he will offer it to you.

So you do this thing where you bite his tongue. And then, if you want to go really hard, you can suck it into your mouth as hard as you can – not, don’t start as hard as you can, because again, it’s really painful – suck it into your mouth. And if you suck it gently, that’s just hot. That’s just blow-job-on-the tongue hot, right? Which is gorgeous and fabulous and feels good. And it can be gentle. But if you put some effort into it… it will feel like his tongue is being pulled out of his mouth by the root. And that is weird, and painful. And amazing. And you can’t do it for long; because you have to breathe, right? [laugh] But oh my god, it’s so good.

And again, obviously, not all the things work for everybody. Some people are going to hate this shit. But I have been lucky to find submissives who lean into it. And that is the hottest thing ever. The other thing which is, um – I have so many [laughter] – also super hot, is just to move around his head. If he’s lying on a bed, if he’s in tied down or something, you can move around his mouth in different positions. And a big favourite of mine is to just stay out of his reach. If you kiss really aggressively, like, with full everything-you’ve-got passionate kissing, and then you pull back and he will follow you as far as he can go. The same with, this is the same with the hand-around-the-throat thing, hand up on the jaw. He will fight whatever he has holding him back to get to your mouth. And [intake of breath] oh, [uh, uh, uh] yes, please. [laugh]

So there you go, K. I hope that helps.

I’m thinking about it now. Gah!

I haven’t had kissing for so long. I miss it sooo much. I miss it so muuuuch. [sigh]

All right. Sip of champagne.

Cheers to your kissing adventures, K.

[sound of glass being set down]

Escalation, I’m not sure I’ve talked enough about that, though. But if you go in waves, if you go in waves from gentle to aggressive, you, I dunno, something about it that fucks them up. [laugh] And it’s so good. [laugh]

Ooh-oooo-ugh! [plaintive oh, that morphs into agressive, lustful, grunt of frustration]

This is why, everybody, this is why I have had kissing dates. Where the sole purpose of the date was just to kiss, just don’t fucking talk to me, let’s just do the kissing part. And they are awesome. Would recommend. A-plus.

[40:04]

[Inhalation and long exhalation]

All right, next question:

Hello, lovely Ferns.

We spoke a bit on FetLife about my slave worries. He is extremely skittish and always coming up with excuses for not coming to see me. Of course, it wouldn’t be possible at the moment with our tier system in the UK.

My request for advice, and partly just wanting to talk to me out loud, haha…

[laugh] Good strategy!

…is regarding tributes. He came to me with a proposal of tributing money for our sessions, cam or in person. I’m a single parent with some mega mental health bullshit, so don’t work, and the tributes are helpful. He knows it’s 99% about me wanting to dominate him rather than money, it’s just money seems to complicate things if you can’t afford it. It would go against our agreement, even if I really want to dominate him.

Part of me wishes it had never been about money. However, I need it. Anyway, I’m not sure there’s a question in there, and I’m aware money is not a thing in your relationships, but I hope you understand.

Lexy

I do. I do understand. I, I think money– you’re right, money can and does complicate things. But I think, in your situation, it complicates things because you don’t then, I guess, want to set a precedent that, well, I want to play, therefore I’m not going to demand a pr– a tribute.

I’m– I have no clear answer for you. Because I do understand what you’re saying. If you just say, “Hey, I want to play now,” then you’re breaking the agreement. And the chances are that next time he’ll go, “Well, I don’t want to pay you.” So what I suggest – well, look, I said I had no suggestions, but I do, actually, have a suggestion [laugh] – what I suggest is that you have a chat to him about this. And you put a clause in the agreement where you explicitly say – and you can use the dommeliest language you want here – that, if you want to use him for your pleasure, then you are free to do so. And if he cannot afford the tribute, then you, as his dominant, will make a decision about whether that’s acceptable or not. And you can frame it in such a way that… the norm is still whatever you agreed with tributes, but that he has the privilege sometimes and on your direction to come and give you whatever it is you want without a tribute being part of the deal.

And if you’re just upfront about it, and say that this is solely for when I deem it so, then maybe it’s manageable? So he doesn’t get to say, “Oh, well, you did it before, so I’m not going to do that anymore.” I think, I think, um, you have to know whether or not he will run with that. Because I assume that whatever tribute arrangement you made, it’s a mutually agreed thing, and he gets something out of that. However, if he is treating you like a paid dominant, and he’s not that happy about it – this versus him getting something out of paying tribute – then I think that’s a lot more tricky.

Because if you’re actually treating it as a purely transactional arrangement, if you both are, then once you break that transactional arrangement, I think there’s likely to be a stoush about, “Well, I didn’t pay you that time. So why would I pay you this time?”

Ughh! Yeah, it’s tricky.

Good luck with it. I hope it goes okay for you. And for him.

[44:33]

How many great loves would you say you’ve had? Substantial relationships where you shared a deep connection and imagined you could be together for the rest of your lives?

I have had – and I want to be able to bring this number up immediately, but I have to count them out loud:

One, two… three, four. Four great loves.

And I’m not sure I define great loves [laughing a bit] the way you define them… “imagined you will be together for the rest of your lives” is not necessarily a criteria for great loves for me. Great love, for me, is I was all in. I was all in, and my heart was sunk. That’s a great love, to me. Where I wasn’t holding anything back, where I wasn’t relying on his emotion to carry us forward. Which I did do a lot, especially in my younger years.

But I was all in and my heart was done. So yeah, four.

[46:16]

Oh, Mistress, they do say careful what you wish for. And I now know exactly what they mean. I’ve always been obsessed with ballbusting, from before it was even a thing.

[laughter] Is there a before it was even a thing? [skeptically amused] Is there really? I don’t know about that.

Over the years, I’ve watched just about every bit of ballbusting porn, and there is masses of it. My wife caught me masturbating in front of the computer and demanded to know what I was watching that was getting me so aroused. She was disgusted when I explained about my fetish, but said she would do her best to participate.

Now, several times a week, she’ll kick, punch, knee or squeeze my balls, sometimes in a prearranged session, often suddenly out of the blue. She will do it to get me aroused for sex. But she will also do it when she’s not in the mood. At those times, she will put me in so much agony that I’m not able to perform. Trouble is, I never know in advance which to expect.

Any thoughts on what I can do to get out of this situation? I’m pretty sure she enjoys it too much now to stop.

[laugh] Look, [more lauhter] I have a sneaking suspicion, I mean, you know, I can’t be sure, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is like a humble brag kind of question.

I… don’t think you really want to get out of that situation? [tongue click] But, well, you know, I’m gonna treat it on its face:

You sit down with your wife and you say this is not fun for me anymore, and I do not want to do it.

Yeah, done. You’re welcome. [slight laugh]

[48:21]

Oh.

Hello Miss,

Apologies for the intrusion. Are you still looking for a submissive man. I’m a submissive 55 male in London, friendly and obedient. Outside kink, I’m independent, have a stable job, slim, 175 centimeters tall, but can bend down as much as you want in your presence. I would love to serve and be dominated by a superior strong and beautiful woman.

Many thanks.

What if I’m not beautiful?

[pained laughter, turning into a whimper, retuning to laughter]

Okay.

[Sigh] He– [small sigh] I just, I don’t know what is happening here. [laughter]

Uh, I, to, I. Yes.

So, to anyone who wants to do this kind of thing… You are much better off engaging me in an actual conversation. Like, “Oh, hey, I read this thing you wrote about blah. And I think this about it. Does that resonate with you?”

Or something like, “Anyway, you’ve got a lot of content out there and I had a look through it. And one of the things I really liked was this. I could really relate, because I’m uh, uh, uh uhm.”

Something that shows me that you’ve – and, I mean, he knows I’ve got a podcast. So he knows some of my content. He knows where my blog is. My FetLife account is linked there, I have so much content out there to engage with. And saying, are you looking? Here’s three sentences about me, is not a great way to start a conversation. Because, what do I do with that?

Like, um, do I expect too much? I don’t think so. Just start a conversation like a normal person.

[long sigh]

Yeah.

[51:03]

I am sensually submissive to powerful females, I especially revere tall and large women who physically can overpower me if the need arises. I’m a heterosexual man and very competitive with [slight laugh] other men.

I don’t really know why that’s relevant. Okay.

Should I become the pet and companion of a giantess? Can I mentally retain my masculinity and competitive with– competitiveness with men?

[sigh]

I think, I mean, yes: Of course you can.

I think there is this idea, and it’s not just about giantess fantasies, there is this idea that submissive men somehow have to be submissive to everybody in the world. You are who you are. And I don’t like the term “masculinity.” [in deep, dumb masculine voice] I’m so masculine out in the world. I’m so alpha out in the world. [/voice] I don’t like it. I think it’s meaningless. And I think it’s unhelpful.

Are you a captain of industry? Mmm, are you CEO of some multinational corporation? Are you a social leader in your group? Are you the person who… tells everyone they’re [mate???]? You know, what’s going to happen next? Are you a shy little thing? Who is a good follower? Are you, you know, someone who’s in a service industry? Are you, doesn’t matter.

You are who you are. Out in the world, you do you. It’s all good. You be the awesome human being that you are. How you want to have a relationship with your significant other has no bearing on that. But there is a pervasive view, where – which I don’t know why it’s still around, but it is – where submissive men go, “I’m submissive, but I’m still a manly man, really.”

I’m just like, shut up. Stop it. [laughter] Because in doing that, they’re perpetuating the stereotype that submissive men are a certain type of man, and that just doesn’t gel. Submissive men run the gamut. Like, your mate down the road might be submissive. Your boss at work might be submissive. Your server at Dominos might be submissive. You don’t know. Like, anybody could be submissive. It’s got nothing to do with their personality and how they interact out in the world. It has to do with their personal interest in relationship dynamics.

So, my answer is, if you can find that giantess, you go become the pet and companion that she so richly deserves. And out in the world, you continue doing whatever you’ve been doing, because that’s perfectly fine.

[54:36]

And here we are, at the end. It wasn’t as short as I thought it would be.

Thank you for following along. And being here with me. If you’d like to ask me a question, you will find the submission box – See what I did there? – the submission box over on my blog in the menu under Ask Me page. I know, original, right?

My blog is at www.domme-chronicles.com. And I have my audio porn – femdom audio porn, c’mon! – over at – I mean, you heard me talking about kissing just now, right? – over at www.patreon.com/DommeChronicles. There is no dash in that one, D-O-doube-M-E-Chronicles.

Thank you so much for being with me for this, my latest podcast. I hope you’re well with you and yours dealing with still the ongoing Coronavirus situation. Stay safe everybody. Thank you for listening. Bye for now.

[Outro music]